1. Not Texting Back Is Genius
Best way to gain power over someone is to ignore them. It’s a tried-and-true method. But damn is it ruthless.
2. Don’t Be Afraid To Double Text
So you send out a text message and get no response. Big fucking deal. Happens to the best of us.
There’s no reason you can’t text again. Expedite the process a bit, make them feel pressured to answer. You can do this in the form of a question mark or also in the form of multiple question marks.
3. Writing ‘K’ Is A Power Move And Is Encouraged
Since when is writing ‘k’ frowned upon? Back in my day,* this was a fine way to acknowledge that you understood what the person said and did not have a problem with it.
Nowadays, if you write ‘k’ you’re labeled a texter without any morals. A savage with no regard for the texter on the opposite end. Because we all need to feel important, a one letter answer is not sufficient.
4. When Spittin’ Text Game, Throw In A Few Emojis
But don’t go crazy. Keep the emojis simple. I mostly stick with the beer emoji and the smiling face. It’s a cause and effect relationship.
5. Mess With People By Waiting The Exact Amount of Time It Took Them To Respond
This is actually a great trick. You send someone a text at 3:43 and they respond back at 4:11. Well then (if you’re not terrible at math) you can calculate that they took 28 minutes to respond back and you need to answer at exactly 4:39.
If you do this numerous times in a row, they will begin to suspect it, which will lead them to think they’re crazy. Perfect plan.
6. Don’t Text While Writing An Article On Text Etiquette
Dammit, Zach. Focus.
7. Don’t Invite Your Friend Who Doesn’t Have an iPhone To An All-iPhone Group Chat
Even the most hilarious of group chats can be ruined by that one friend whose texts won’t send in blue font. You know the type. Guy probably also won’t buy in on poker night and orders the apple pie when everyone’s going cheesecake.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with not having an iPhone. It’s just that damn blue font is so beautiful.
8. The Lol/Haha Debate Doesn’t Matter
Some experts claim that using ‘lol’ with girls is a bad move and that ‘haha’ is the way to go. I say it’s more confident to just not care.
9. Reading Other People’s Texts Is Chill
Hey listen, I’m only human. I catch a whiff of my friend having an interesting text conversation and I gotta know.
A casual over-the-shoulder look won’t hurt. At the very least you’ll see who they’re texting (unless they change the name of the person in their phone, which is diabolical).
10. In General, People Like Receiving Text Essays From Exes
Nah, they don’t. Just keeping you on your toes.
11. Don’t Be That Guy Who Comments On Grammar
Once you’re taking a shot at someone’s use of “your” vs “you’re” in the text world, you’ve lost the argument. Unless your using it ironically, then yore in the clear.
12. But Don’t Be The Guy Who Can’t Spell Simple Words
My friend just returned from a year in Europe and she can’t spell for shit anymore. Don’t know what happened but she’s basically incoherent.
13. Always Text-In Food Orders
An underutilized tool in society. Texting in a pickup order allows you to just show up and cut the line.
But you won’t be able to cut the line anymore if everyone reads this and takes my advice. Shit, didn’t think of that.
14. If You Get Invited To Something By A Random Number, Just Say Yes
Who are you kidding, you probably don’t have plans anyway.
P.S- You’re definitely gonna Google the area code of the random number to see if you can figure out who it is. We all do it.
15. If You Don’t Recognize A Number, Don’t Ask Who It Is Because It’s Probably That Weird Guy Jimmy Whose Number You Deleted Last Month
It’s always a problem when someone has your number but you don’t have theirs. The classic “uneven friendship.” Patent pending.