To My Future Love, I Am Done Searching For You

Larisa Birta

“I am so ecstatic to meet you, to know you, to love you, and to maybe even marry you, but for now, I can wait.”

I’ll start off by saying that I love being independent.

It’s so empowering to sit alone in complete solitude, and listen to my inner voice. Being alone really isn’t so bad; I’d say it’s refreshing to know that I don’t have anyone to answer to.

After spending my entire life being fiercely selfless, I had to force myself to become a little selfish. Selfish meaning, that if I didn’t want to go out, I wouldn’t. If I wanted to take the day off from work, I called in sick. If I felt the need to just drive, I’d get in my car and drive.

I listened to myself, I listened to my instincts scream what it wanted me to do in that very moment.

I’ll also be very honest; I don’t like a big crowd, unless I’m drunk. Investing in solely myself meant knowing that saying no to going out, didn’t mean I was a bad person. The nights that I did want to go out, though, I went all out. The hours spent in front of the mirror, before heading to a bar, perfecting my mascara with one hand and holding a glass of cheap wine in the other. Those nights were the best nights. Well, most of the time.

Sometimes, I wish you could hold me close. Sometimes, I wish you could just be here, so I can call mine. I love the intimacy of being close. It’s all the tingles and the flutters that will sink in when I first touch your fingertips. It’s the warmness that will flush my cheeks when you first move the hair away from my face. I crave closeness, the physical closeness of you and I being wrist-to-wrist, toe-to-toe, and nose-to-nose.

With all that said, I am done searching for you.

If you’re out there somewhere in this world, please, be good to you. I so desperately hope you’re out there making your life worthwhile, but honestly, I am done searching for you.

I spent countless hours swiping on tinder, thinking I’d eventually swipe right to you. I downloaded and deleted that app more times then I could even tell you.

My blurred vision searched for you in the crowds of people at bars. I got lost a few times, in the one’s that would approach me. That false hope I infatuated myself with that you’d be the one buying me a drink.

I aimlessly watched guys in my gym, and wondered if you were there. I wondered if you were an early gym guy, or if you were the type that needed the extra hour of sleep so you’d go at night.

On my annual flight to California, I would think about you ironically getting the seat next to me.

When the time is right, I know you will be here.

When the universe, or God, or whatever has control over this world is ready, you’ll appear in my life. I imagine it will be an explosion of emotion. I will warn you now; I might be standoffish at first. Overtime though, I will allow my walls to drop down more and more.

After the feelings set in, and after our hearts beat to the same rhythm, I promise that I will love you to the ends of the earth.

This kind of love will be the type of love that will never need validation, the type that neither one of us will ever feel unwanted. I want to strip you of any uncertainty. I want to build you up, and make you feel like the most important person in the entire world.

Until then, I will be here. I will not search for you in crowds, I will not search for you on an app, I will not search for you at the gym, or even on a plane. I will look inward, and I will focus on becoming the best version of myself, and will spend the remaining time preparing myself to be yours, fully.

With so much love,

Your future someone. TC mark

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