If you’re one of those fortunate individuals who gets laid consistently, well congratulations, consider yourself lucky. You must be having sex, and doing it in exhilarating fashion. Your in bedroom experience resembles a Michael Bay movie. There are explosions and a lot of flashiness in the form of acrobatic, borderline unrealistic stunts that would leave Kama Sutra makers baffled. You must be excessively confident about your abilities, and very capable of backing that self-assurance up. When you make a booty call, picture yourself as Liam Neeson in Taken, poised as can be, explaining in detail what’s about to go down. Say it with me:
I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. If you agree to sex off the bat, we can get it done. I won’t pretend it’s a date. I won’t take you out to dinner. But if you don’t, I will ask if you want to come watch some Netflix, I will get frisky 20 minutes into the movie, and I will bang you.
There are multiple types of laughable sex lives. One features your miserable, failed attempts to convince somebody to hookup with you. Your efforts always go so awry that it resembles a scene written by Judd Apatow. Or two, you make it to the bedroom and the things that happen in there would be hilarious, if they weren’t happening to YOU. You slip, you trip, you burp, you fart, you miscalculate the location of holes, you fall off the bed, you do some type of involuntary, premature release and it’s the unsexy combination of awkward and humiliating. You may laugh, but it’s only to keep from crying. If these normally embarrassing things occur in the comfort of a long-term relationship, well your sex life is a romantic comedy.
You are rated PG, so you don’t have actual sex, but you stiffly kiss your partner (with NO tongue), then fade to black for a second before waking up next to each other in the morning.
It’s okay, we’ve all been there – hell, many of us are in the midst of fiction, fantasy sex lives right this very second. Look at the positives; you have a terrific imagination and in the make-believe world you’ve created, anything is possible with anyone. There are no leagues or risks, only ingenious scenarios that always end with you banging whoever you so deeply desire.
In Pirates of the Caribbean, we see the story of a daring search for booty, and if that description is also fitting of your sex life, well it most definitely belongs under the genre of adventure. Maybe there aren’t sword fights and large bodies of water involved in your sexcapades, but then again maybe there are in which case you deserve a $450 million budget to share your stories with the world. The tales of your experiences are the sex life equivalent of a friggin’ Batman flick, and I’d seriously love to hear ‘em. Now, I can’t offer you millions of dollars, but I’ll buy you a double cheeseburger if you tell me how you got those scars.
Basically the same description as comedy, but with blood.
While your partners may not be the best in bed, your performance has them thinking otherwise. You really sell every moan and groan, exaggerating the entire time in a performance worthy of an award. You are an actor so the “oohs” becomes “OHAHHHHHRRRHHHs!” and the “ahhs” becomes “AHHHRRRRGHHHHs!” When you catch yourself reciting forced, unoriginal, amplified phrases and sounds, your sex life is officially a drama.
You knock boots with all of the former members of your high school’s glee club, wannabe rappers and local singers in your town? Just to be clear, that was a question because I’m not exactly sure how breaking out in song and dance is relatable to a sex life. Anyone want to help? I need somebody. Help. Not just anybody. Help! You know, I need someone, help! *Cue spirit finger dance*
Oh, it’s just ALL ABOUT YOU, isn’t it? Well la-di-da. More often than not, you’re the receiver of pleasure instead of the giver. It’s not selfish – this isn’t an autobiography, you didn’t make it about you, your partner did, so embrace and indulge the special treatment.
You make sex tapes.