I woke up one day and felt the heaviness of all the unspoken words between us. How can emptiness be so heavy? How is it possible to feel nothing and everything at the same time?
When you left me hanging with no words other than, “I’m sorry,” it was not forgiveness I gave but hatred. I hated you with every part of my being, with every nerve, with every crevices in my brain.
I replayed that scene again and again until I memorized every blink of your eye, every emotion on your face, and every sound of your breath. I replayed that moment, hoping that after a thousand times of reminiscing, something would change.
I hated you that much because I loved you so much. I invested more than I could ever give and that was why when you left, I had nothing but scratches, bruises, and pain.
You asked for nothing, you gave nothing. It was only then that I realized nothing can bring so much pain. Because nothing stays, nothing grows, and nothing kills.
You let me hope for that nothing to turn into everything. You let me believe that your silence meant something. You let me fall into the trap of thinking as long as I keep on fighting you would meet me halfway to carry the burden.
You left me with nothing. The emptiness silenced my screams and hollowed out my existence.
But it is also in that nothing where I found solace.
I found myself in the darkness and it was there where I healed and fixed my broken wings.
It turned out, nothing was the best thing you could ever give. The nothing inside me created enough space for something to grow — love. But this time, it’s the love for myself; for who I was, who I am, and who I can become.
With and in that nothing, I found the love I kept on wishing you would give. And somehow, you did. But not in the way I expected.