5 Unhealthy Thoughts Girls (And Guys!) Have

Girls are strange, mystical creatures — like unicorns with boobs. It’s cool if dudes don’t understand us, but it’s a problem when we don’t even understand ourselves. For our own peace of mind (and for the general safety of others), let’s all — guy or girl — consider banning the following five inner dialogues from wreaking havoc on our already busy minds.

“Ryan Gosling is the perfect man. I must have him. Should I tragically not obtain him, however, I suppose I will settle for his real-life clone, who is inevitably out there somewhere.”

Obsessing over every character Ryan Gosling and his abs have ever played is just so unfair to the variety of dudes who walk this earth. No man can simultaneously have the romantic sensibilities of Noah Calhoun, the sexual appeal and prowess of Jacob Palmer, and the relentlessly badass aura of “The Driver.” That would be like asking me to be Megan Fox, Tina Fey, and Karen O all rolled into one (which some guys still do), when I’m just me.

Similarly, real-life dudes are just as awesome in spite of maybe not stealing a ton of cars and penning hand-written love notes every day. We need to accept this before we doom ourselves to lives filled with too many pets and multiple kinds of yogurt.

“I’m totally untagging this picture. Are my arms really that fat? And is my face usually that shiny? I never want to see this photo ever again.”

Back away from the computer, take a calming stroll around your bedroom, and then listen to my words: it’s just a picture. If roughly half of the pictures on your Facebook are attractive and the other half aren’t, no one’s going to decide you are ugly and useless.

Instead, they will know that you are both a babe and a totally normal person who gets droopy eyes and forehead sweat after consuming too much alcohol. No one expects you to be a Barbie (and Barbies are boring, anyhow.)

“My wedding is going to take place on the island of Curacao and my dress is going to have a lacy sweetheart top with a creamy tiered cupcake bottom and my fourteen bridesmaids will be…

I realize I’m making a controversial statement here, but I really think we need to stop planning our weddings years before marriage is on the horizon. I’m not just saying this because expensive-looking invitations scare me and I hate sitting down in dresses. I’m saying it because I don’t want all of our dreams to be collectively crushed.

I mean, what if you’re planning the perfect napkins for your tropical destination wedding but your mother-in-law insists on a church ceremony in New England? What if half of your set-in-stone bridesmaids turn out to be total lying b-tches? And what if (gasp) your fiancé wants a say in how the whole wedding thing goes down too? It might be more practical and less painful for us to cross the elaborate, floral, lemon-tasting marriage bridge when we actually get to it.

“I should not eat that sandwich. That sandwich has bread. Bread has carbs. Carbs are the Judas of the food world; They will surely betray me.

EAT THAT GOD DAMN SANDWICH. I totally acknowledge that we all want to feel good about ourselves, but listen: find an exercise you like, do it, then eat ALL OF THE PIZZA at 3 in the morning. There is something so pathetically sad about living life in fear of food.

“I shouldn’t text him first, right? No way, I’m not gonna text him first. I mean, if he wants to see me, he should text me. Right?”

Sometimes right, but often wrong. Instances in which this is correct: you’ve texted him three times in the past two days and have gotten no response. You don’t remember his face and have him logged into your phone as “Guy mEt at PiananOs bar.” You don’t actually give a crap about him but are in need of something to do.

If none of these are true, grab the man-bull by the dating-horns and TEXT HIM. I see so many girls remain single because neither them nor the guy they want to date is willing to make the first (miniscule, harmless, “hey what are you doing tonight?”) move. Take heed: you may have accidentally found yourselves on another direct path to pets and yogurt. TC mark

image – Suslik1983


More From Thought Catalog

  • A.

    I didn’t even read this but “like unicorns with boobs” is the best phrase ever??

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506498512 Leah Cox


  • mrb

    All of the food stereotypes about girls caring about carbs piss me the fuck off. I’m a girl and I will eat that goddamn sandwich every time. 

    • Anonymous

      Yes. and girls that shame themselves verbally in front of me make ME feel horrible for eating the sammich happily. I still eat it, so whatevs but I’d rather do so without having to listen to someone else’s self flagellation. 

  • Anonymous


  • Sophia

    It annoys me so much when people untag photos. There’s no such thing as a bad picture; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.

  • Anonymous

    THIS. Thank you. 

  • rgar

    Yup. As a guy, I find a lot of truth in these. Time to go scratch my balls now.

  • http://twitter.com/cjohnson319 Clarence Johnson

    “If only he/she would do everything I say, the way I say it, and give me all their passwords, and only hang out with the people I approve of, or none at all, if I think that’s best, then I finally I could get over this insecurity. It’s not about me trusting, it’s about him/her earning that trust. I can trust. They just have to earn it. Now give me that fucking slimjim, I see his phone in there, we’re going to break into this car, and read his text messages.”

    • Asdf

      Okay dokey, then.

  • frananalalalala

    GUILTY of all of the above. and i’m gonna try to change that.

    starting today with a massive sandwich.

  • Asdf

    “I’m totally untagging these mindsets. Am I really this superficial? Do my decisions really factor in these metrics? I never want to think these things ever again.”

  • Anonymous

    I’ll admit I’m guilty of the 2nd and 3rd thought. I do have ugly pictures of myself, but sometimes that double-chin is just not that attractive. 
    This article is so true though

    Sincerely, a unicorn with boobs.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jenniferalyce Jenn Murray

    This is brilliant, thanks for keeping us all accountable. 

  • Anonymous

    I hate when girls deny themselves bread. Like what am I supposed to munch on before my double cheeseburger shows up!?

  • Michaelwg

    After all the tacit abuse of Barbie over the years, i’m sure she’s enrolled in Women’s Studies by now w/ a minor in Political Science. “I’ll show them all!”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    I’ve only untagged myself once; not because I thought I was “ugly”, but becuase it was obvious in the picture that I was drunk as fuck.

  • http://imlikecocaine.wordpress.com/ Ana

    There is something so pathetically sad about living life in fear of food.The truth has been spoken!

  • guest

    you have clearly never been over-weight. there is absolutely nothing pathetic about trying to exhibit some self control in order to live a healthier life. 

    “[She] is one of those young ladies who seek to recommend themselves to the other sex by undervaluing their own, and with many men, I dare say, it succeeds.”
    Pride and Prejudice

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QAEK5MDE7OIWSJVWW5MO3RRYXM WotcherTonks

       She said “living in fear” and there’s a huge difference in exhibiting self control for health reasons and making yourself completely miserable and sick by compulsively counting and analyzing and destroying yourself over every little thing you eat. That’s not healthy.

    • AI

      I must reveal this quote is out of context for the point you want to make. You quoted Caroline Bingley criticizing Lizzie Bennet for honestly wondering that any woman fitting all of Caroline’s (and Mr. Darcy’s) definition of “an accomplished young lady” existed at all. Caroline is attempting to fit the notion of an “accomplished lady” to her personality, claiming to know many such ladies  in her social circle while Darcy admits to knowing “not half a dozen” women fitting his definition of the term. Lizzie then replies that given their requirements, she wonders that they actually know any such woman and that she herself has never met such a creature. The quote you used here in context refers to Caroline’s displeasure with the implication that Lizzie and more specifically Mr. Darcy would not brand her an accomplished young lady even with the standards she gave herself, and thus Caroline reasons that Lizzie must be seeking to recommend herself to Mr. Darcy at her expense.

      The irony of this quote, however, lies in the context because Caroline spends much of the novel negatively criticizing Lizzie openly in front of Mr. Darcy due in most part to jealously and also in a fruitless attempt at recommending herself to Mr. Darcy by pointing out any real or perceived flaw in Lizzie to him, even forcing Darcy to admit near the end of the novel that Lizzie was one of the handsomest young ladies of his acquaintance after another one of Caroline’s long speeches about how little beauty she believed Lizzie to posses. Jane Austen also makes a point of noting that such a confession by Darcy caused no one in the room pain but Caroline.

      Essentially what you expressed by using this quote is anger that the author of this article (a woman you are jealous of, because the quote in context is built on Caroline’s jealousy of Lizzie) presents women in what you believe to be  negative light (perhaps by noting a few things you are guilty of, though the author is expressing an honest opinion independent of you) so that men will find her more attractive (though this article seems to direct itself to a group the author herself belongs to rather than one she would have find her attractive). Figured you might want to see how a person who has read P&P closely would interpret your response since this analysis of it seems to negate the point I’m assuming you wanted to make.

      For the record, I’m a young woman, and while I’m not guilty of any of the listed unhealthy thoughts, I do have plenty of thoughts that that would fall into a similar category. However, my experience with my own gender has taught me that I am an odd exception quite often when it comes to generalizations of femininity, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t at least partially true.

      • http://profile.yahoo.com/EFOMW25VTRALGRXFWKT4OX3PBI Aus


      • Guest

        Yeah… I studied literature, too, and right now you just sound like a smart-ass. Quotes used outside of the context of the literary studies classroom DON’T need to be analysed in the context of the whole book. Your pseudo-psychoanlaltyical literary interpretation of something TOTALLY UNRELATED is just annoying. Get a life.

  • Bunjygum_44

    The fifth unhealthy thought depends on the culture. I’m Asian. Asian men do not like aggression, and a simple invite from a female friend like “wanna eat out?” is aggression already. I know it’s lame; that’s why some women here are single because even if they make the first move, the Asian men sees it in a negative way.

    • Nick

       Have fun never getting laid because your culture is stupid.

      • Anonymous

        To all those who say there’s no room for empathy on Thought Catalog … I say this… I completely understand how you’re feeling.

      • Anonymous

        …aggression is not the solution!

        But seriously, it’s not just Asians. All kinds of guys get weird if you try to make a first move. I think a lot of men preach about female forwardness in theoretical terms, but don’t even admire or appreciate the gesture in actuality unless it’s coming from a woman they’ve already made up their mind about.

      • A classy lady

        If a man would be less interested in me because I took the indicative to go after what I want, he is not the kind of man I would want. America really needs to get past the weird gendered views on relationships.

      • http://robvincent.net Rob T Firefly

         THANK you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/umaly Boo Umaly


  • http://livinginfairyland.wordpress.com/ Rose

    Original! I like the one about asking guys for coffee. I wouldn’t, but that’s cause I’m chicken. I think girls totally SHOULD.

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  • Suzanne_khambata

    I like it :)

  • hezekiah715

    Got a great idea for you fatties and smokers and OCD/crazy/whatever types. Stop. Stop eating so much, stop smoking, stop obsessing over everything. It’s really kind of easy. If you lack the courage to actually carry out these suggestions, then STFU. That’s easy too. The reason women have so many problems concerning men, is that Logic is foreign to them. If you want to text him, do it. If you want to eat the damned sandwich, eat it. If you wish to remain thin, or better shaped, or healthier, get some exercise, and don’t eat so much. If you have some fairy-tail, fantasy, nigh impossible dreams about your wedding, try to achieve it, and don’t be suprised when most everyone thinks you’re insane. There are millions of nutso women wandering around this country, waiting for the SHTF to eliminate them from the gene pool. Along with the metrosexual men.

    • Lady

      …..I’m not sure how this article solicited a rant against “fatties” or “smokers” or people with “OCD” or “metrosexuals” or, well, all women.

  • SnigSnog

    wat if my friends post shit pics of me bc they’re jealzy? is it cool to untag then? 

  • Tabris

    What’s wrong with pets and yoghurts? I like pets and yoghurts. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    Welp, Sydny’s never read “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

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