My daughter's Christmas concert is today! I'm not going because she is ugly.
— Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) December 11, 2014
i can only save one pic.twitter.com/5fXddCJ3eL
— wint (@dril) December 11, 2014
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can't see!
*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
— Cory Mise, PharmD (@RxitWounds) December 2, 2014
[ME] and i want diapers that don't leak
[SANTA] get out of my lap
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 11, 2014
"Son sit down, we don't know how to say this… We think you might be a three toed sloth"
*son takes 15 minutes to sit down*
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) December 8, 2014
[2 gators hanging out on a river bank]
"Remind me again, Carl. Are we crocodiles or–"
We're alligators, Gary. Jesus Christ.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 4, 2014
Playing Outside, Yelp Reviews:
"1 out of 5 stars," said one kid
"The wifi is horrendous." Took an hour just to post this," said another
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) November 27, 2014
88% of Canadian relationships begin with a lost glove
— Stats Canada (@stats_canada) December 11, 2014
Barista in Starbucks just said "Here's your grande, thanks a latte." Now I'm really, really pissed.
— Eric Stangel (@EricStangel) December 11, 2014
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying "there's lemons" and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
— leon (@leyawn) December 11, 2014
[me and police reviewing security tape of robbery at my store]
cop: oh dear god no
me: sorry, I put in planet of the apes by mistake
— brent (@murrman5) December 11, 2014
thanks to candle magic and protection spells i dont need health insurance, car insurance, or to look where i am going
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) December 11, 2014
Most of the punishments in hell are fire-related but man, do I have some fun water-based activities planned for Dick Cheney.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) December 11, 2014
“Wow you’re a poet and you don’t even realize it”
Haha you mean “know it”
“Poems don’t have to rhyme, Karen"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 15, 2014