I Need You To Promise To Hold On To Me


Hold on.

I’m just starting to discover me, while I discover us. I’m a beginner in all of this. I don’t know how to be. And I don’t know how you want me to be. Don’t tell me to just be myself – you can count on it that I will not masquerade as anyone else. I’m not afraid of you seeing who I am – if you don’t like me, then I know I’m meant for somebody else. But I will admit I am afraid of showing you too soon. I’m afraid. Because you’re the first one who hasn’t left. People leave; and that’s okay. Sometimes they’re just not meant to go the full distance with you. Sometimes, you have to fly solo. Sometimes, they will point you away from where they’re headed, and into your right direction. And you’ll thank them much, much later.

Just hold on.

Hold on to me.

There are times when I want to grab your face with both of my hands and kiss the hell out of you. But I don’t. I can’t seem to make my body do what my heart is feeding it. My lips now touch yours with much more thought and caution than they did before. Because I didn’t really care then. I guess what I’m saying is that now I do. I do care. I want to keep kissing you. And I want you to keep kissing me.

When you reach for my hand, you hold it with your heart. I can feel it. And I love that. But it also makes me nervous. I’m nervous to touch you, because my hands are so very new to this. I’m nervous that I might do it wrong. Or that I might do it too right, and make you want more than I can give you right now. I want to feel like I can be naked with you, in every sense of the word. I want you to know that I want that. Know that I really do want that.

Please hold on.

Hold on to me, because I’m a little unsteady.

There are also times when I am so very unsure. They say that when it’s right, you won’t have to question ‘are they the one?’, because you’ll just know. But will we? Is that the truth? Does anyone ever really know? Because I sure as hell don’t. I promised myself I would never be a girl who settled for a mediocre kind of love. They say it’s about loving someone’s flaws. Loving someone because they are a painting of beautifully unique imperfections. But when do you finally hear that their heart is the one that beats in harmony with yours?

Just hold on.

Hold on to me.

‘Cos I’m a little unsteady.

I want you to feel like home. That’s all I really want. I want to feel safe with you. I want it to be thundering it down with storms of rain all around us, and to be encircled in your arms, and not really notice or mind about all the rain. When it’s dark out, and we’re walking home, I want you to pull me in a little closer to you, and to know that you’ve got me. I want us to feel like family. The way I felt as a kid in my house growing up. No matter how hard of a day I had, I would step through that garden green door, and it was all okay for a little while at least. Until the next day when I had to walk back out again. Because through that door, I’d find people who I could count on for anything. A pep talk before a really big day. People who would listen to me, even when I was being melodramatic or whiney. A caring hand to wipe away my runaway tears. People who would always have my back, no matter what. Someone to say goodnight to; and someone to greet in the morning. People who I knew loved me; for ever and for always.

Will you love me like that? That’s all I really need to know. Because I promise to never love you any less than that.

I will be your home.

Just hold on.

Hold on to me. Because right now, I’m a little unsteady. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Shani Jayawardena

I hold a mirror to your soul, so you can see how beautiful you are

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