1.She heard you the other night when you were drunk and mumbled “I think I love you” under your breath before you vomited all over her roommate’s very valuable rug.
2. She decided that multitasking is stupid and decided she wouldn’t breathe and text you at the same time anymore. (And she’s a slow typist with subpar lung capacity.)
3. She works for either NSA or Anonymous, went through your digital records, and saw that AIM away message you posted in the eighth grade saying that if you were able to vote you would definitely cast one for George W. Bush.
4. In an unexpected turn of events, her ex-boyfriend reentered her life when he realized that he, like you, will likely never get to make out with someone as pretty as her again for as long as he will live.
5. Your performance in the sack was dismal. Too much tongue in the kissing, not enough tongue in the oral, too much crying during actual intercourse, not enough crying during the postcoital viewing of The Notebook, etc.
6. She met someone she likes more than you, and would prefer slowly seguing her way out of your life sans explanation to actually confronting you about it and having to see all of the Taking Back Sunday lyrics you post on your Facebook for the next fiscal quarter.
She’s friends with a woman you slighted in the past. They recently watched “John Tucker Must Die,” and now she’s fucking with you in a more passive way than actually murdering you or whatever the girls in that movie decide to do. (I don’t know because I totally haven’t seen it and by the way, what ever happened to Ashanti?)
8. She knows what you did last summer. And what you did last summer is contract genital herpes, even though it’s not technically your fault – the condom snapped and you didn’t notice.
9. You came on way too strong too quickly and freaked her the fuck out.
10. She was at a bar and told some dude to relax when he was ranting really loudly about the injustice of Chad Kroeger getting to have sex with Avril Lavigne. He did not take kindly to her reprimand, and chucked her phone across the room into a brick wall, breaking it into many pieces and rendering it inoperable. She has not yet reacquired your contact information.
11. Her friends warned her about you after they saw #hunglikealightswitch on one of your Lulu reviews.
12. She realized she was happier alone when one evening she opened a bottle of red wine and tried to listen to Adele, only to discover it didn’t resonate with her now that she had found a potential suitor. Men go away all the time, but 21 will be there for her FOREVER.
13. She’s, like, totally swamped at work.
14. Since work has been, like, so totally crazy, she has lost touch with all things pop culture. This past weekend she was catching up on “Game of Thrones,” and her head exploded when she saw how the Red Wedding worked out.
15. Her Twitter campaign to win a date with Tad Hamilton actually worked.
16. She was browsing Tinder, landed on you, and decided it was better to sever all ties than to call you out on using Tinder, since you would obviously ask why she was also using it.
17. Because she read the thing you wrote somewhere once where you agreed with your ex-girlfriend’s assertion that you “couldn’t commit to a pair of socks.”
18. She has become a zombie.
19. She has become a nun.
20. She’s won a spot on the forthcoming season of “The Bachelor.”
21. She had a big fight with her dad and decided to exact her vengeance by cutting all ties with her former life and moving to Los Angeles to become a porn star.
22. She took it very literally when you posted a photo on Instagram of street art that read “Love No 1.”
23. You fucked up the whole “your” “you’re” thing one too many goddamn times.
24. Like a goddamn idiot, you accidentally let spill that you’ve been having discussions with your mom about this girl you just met but THINK MIGHT BE THE ONE.
25. The beautiful British man she works with, who happens to be her White Whale, has told her over tea that he and his wife are unofficially separated. Now she must focus all of her wiles in one direction. (Can’t fault her for that – you can’t compete with a British accent and you know it.)
26. She put your claim that you “wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers” to the test, and you asked her what the hell she was doing then told her she better clean that shit up.
27. You’re still a fan of Chris Brown and don’t even try to hide it or apologize for it.
28. You don’t own “Cool Runnings,” but you do own “Caddy Shack 2.”
29. Your emoticon game was so weak that she finally snapped and deleted your number.
30. She was a figment of your imagination. In fact, none of this is real.
31. You’re still trying to make fetch happen.
32. You habitually wear socks during sex.
33. She has mistaken your earnest comments re: life betterment as the “negging” pickup approach. Because of this, she thought you were hitting on her friend when you told her she was way overpaying for a studio in Fort Green.
34. She found out about the hookers.
35. You always have coffee breath.
36. You talk too much about your guy friends. And you hug them too often, and for too long.
37. You will not stop dropping subtle hints about wanting to 69, and you do so in very inappropriate places, like yoga class and mass.
38. You frontloaded everything interesting about yourself and quickly became insufferably boring.
39. Because shit happens, man.
40. Sometimes it’s easier to vanish into thin air than to explain oneself.