Why The Guys You Want Don’t Want You

Ever notice that the guys you really want don’t seem to want you at the same level… and yet you easily and effortlessly attract the guys you don’t really want? It’s confusing and frustrating. Clearly, you have redeeming qualities because there are some guys who want to date you… it just doesn’t seem to be the ones that you really want. Why?

I asked this question to myself a lot when I was single and dating in my twenties. It was so confusing because at first, the guys seemed super into me. It seemed like once I reciprocated that things went off the rails and suddenly I was desperate and chasing instead of being pursued.

This is something many, many women have experienced as well. Let’s look at it a little deeper…

It really comes down to your vibe. What does that mean? Your vibe is your energy essentially, and this is created based on the thoughts you think and your overall mindset. And most people can intuitively pick up on someone’s vibe. You know when you’re in the presence of an anxious, insecure person. You also know when you’re in the presence of a confident, happy person.

Being positive is a vibe; it’s an energy that comes across. You can be saying all the right things, but if you feel negative inside, it will still come across. Our vibe attracts people or drives them away. This is why women often encounter the phenomenon of easily attracting guys they aren’t super into… and repelling the guys who they do really like. 

When I posted about this on my Tik Tok, a lot of people in the comments said that if the guys you want don’t want you it’s because you’re going for guys “out of your league.” First, I don’t believe in leagues. I think those can easily be transcended and your “league” is more a state of mind than anything else, which can be changed. But I’m not talking about wanting a guy from afar who doesn’t notice you. I’m talking about a guy who was genuinely interested in you to start, and then it suddenly seemed to shift.

Now sometimes it’s because it wasn’t a match. But if you notice this only happens with guys you really like and really want to get serious with, well then it’s probably something else.

Why does this happen? Well, in a nutshell, with the guys you don’t want, or the guys you’re on the fence about, it’s easy to be happy and positive and uncensored because you don’t have much at stake. You don’t let worries or fears or insecurities enter the picture because you’re not so attached to the outcome. Instead, you just enjoy your interactions with this other person, and if it works out, great. If it doesn’t, then that’s fine, too—you weren’t so into it anyway.

Now with the guys you do want there is more at stake. You really want things to work out, and this activates your fears … specifically, your fear that it won’t work. This leads you to think negative thoughts … you think about all the guys you’ve liked in the past and how it didn’t work out with them, you dwell on your negative characteristics and worry that they will prevent you from getting the love you want, you worry obsessively that you will do something to cause this guy to lose interest.

This worry leads you to feel upset, and this can take several forms: feeling angry, nervous, self-conscious, paranoid, bitter, jealous, unworthy, foolish, unlovable, etc. All of this comes from stressing over the relationship. 

When you’re in this state of mind, it’s impossible to form a genuine connection because you’re not there. You aren’t present in your interactions with him, you’re interacting with the worried thoughts in your own mind, not with the person in front of you.

A lot of the time when we like someone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate, it triggers something in us and we mistake this feeling of being triggered for being in love. Maybe it brings up old childhood wounds, maybe it activates your subconscious fears of not being good enough, of never finding love. You have to step out of the emotional whirlpool of your own thoughts and look at what’s really happening inside of you and why.

Over 90% of communication is non-verbal, so it doesn’t matter what you say, how you truly feel speaks louder. The most important thing to focus on is getting to the right place internally. You need to get a handle on your thoughts and start challenging the ones that don’t serve you.

Start by noticing your thoughts throughout the day. Then look at the thought. Let’s say you think, “This guy didn’t text me back… he must be losing interest. Why does this always happen to me?” Stop. Notice the thought. Then ask yourself: does this thought serve me well? Does this take me where I want to go?

If it’s bringing up feelings of fear, insecurity, anxiety, negativity, and so on, then the answer is no. It’s not serving you well. Recognize that and then shift your mind to something more positive and productive.

Do this throughout the day. It may feel odd at first, but you’ll get used to it and then it will become like second nature. And you’ll notice that it becomes more natural and you feel lighter and calmer.

When you start worrying about things falling apart, shift your focus and ask: “What if everything works out?”

Sometimes it’s that simple. When you take power away from these negative, frenzied thoughts, it puts you in a lighter, more positive headspace and this will make you magnetic. This is essentially the crux of manifestation. It’s getting to that place of inner peace and calm and knowing things will work out … and when you’re in this space, they usually do.

Sabrina Bendory is a writer and entrepreneur. She is the author of You’re Overthinking It, a definitive book on dating and self-love.

Keep up with Sabrina on Instagram, Twitter, Amazon, TikTok and linktr.ee