1. The Ominous, David Lynch Status Update
You know what I’m talking about. Someone you vaguely remember adding as a friend posts a status so vague, yet creepy that you seriously have a moment where you wonder if it’s actually about you. It’ll usually be something like, “I know what you did and even if it causes every tree to become unearthed I will seek your repentance in the wrongdoings that have come about. Nevermore.” WHAT??
2. The Obvious Con
I can’t believe this is still an issue, but there’s no such thing as a premium Facebook account. If a picture says that if you share it with 30 friends you’ll be able to see your ex-girlfriend’s inbox, it’s a lie. Also Jesus won’t send you a harp if you share a picture of him on the cross with 20 co-workers. I’m looking at you, everyone’s aunt.
3. The Dirty Laundry
If you break up on bad terms, just unfriend each other and move on. Nothing makes you look dumber than a giant, public separation via passive aggressive status updates. “Lol well looks like I finally got rid of that extra weight! #SoLongJames #ICanDoBetter #IKnowAboutTampa #Beyonce #KellyClarksonStronger #Hashtags!”
4. The Post-Breakup Crop Pic
If you had a split that didn’t take place on Facebook, I commend you. However, don’t try to keep that picture of you and your ex by awkwardly cropping him out. I know your hair looks great, but that phantom, floating arm behind your back tells much more of a story than if you just left him in the picture. Let it go. You’re beautiful.
My god, if you post a spoiler to a popular TV show while the show is on you are a monster. Especially if you’re on the East Coast and watching it hours before the rest of the country. Please don’t be a monster.
6. Not Technically Spoilers, But Spoilers Nonetheless
Let me explain. If you post “OH MY GOD THAT GAME OF THRONES ENDING WAS INSANE!” you didn’t technically post a spoiler, but now I’m not going to be shocked by that crazy ending, I’m going to be expecting it. It’s like the M. Night Shyamalan curse. A twist is never a twist when you know it’s coming.
7. The 5-Point Photo Share
If you take a great picture, or have a hilarious status, that’s great. We love it. However, that doesn’t mean you need to post the exact same thing on your Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram. Linkedin is completely acceptable.
8. The Anti-Facebook Facebook
Why do you have a Facebook if the only thing you use it for is to get on and tell everyone how much you hate Facebook? Just delete it. No one is thinking, “Oh man I hope he stays. I don’t know how I’ll make it through each day without reading his status about how all of us are consumerists selling a part of our soul with each status update.”
9. Significant Other Love Letters
I’m thrilled that you found a great partner, but if you want to tell them how much you love them, you know you can just walk into the next door and do it, right? You don’t have to constantly be posting “I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found my perfect match <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.” It’s bad when it’s a married couple, but it’s even worse when it’s a person that is in a different relationship every two weeks and each time they post, “I’VE FOUND THE ONE!” No you didn’t. Not even close. And definitely not at the club on $2 shot night.
10. The Mass Meme Tag
If you find a meme that reminds you of someone then send it to them or post it or print it out and mail it to them via certified mail. For the love of everything holy, please don’t post a meme and tag 600 of your closest friends in it. Now I have 376 notifications because two of your cousins decided to have a conversation in the comment section of that picture. Now I hate you, the picture, your cousins, your aunt and uncle for creating your cousins, and Mark Zuckerberg for creating their platform. Thanks a lot!