I asked a few of my friends to share their most traumatizing roommate experiences with me and, along with a few of my own, here’s what came out of those conversations:
1. This girl lived with me for a few months and I always noticed a weird smell coming out of her room. Eventually I found out that it was because she would take a pack of uncooked hot dogs, cut them up into slices, and dump them in a bag of generic bbq chips. She would shake up the bag and start eating them. The worst part is that she didn’t refrigerate them so she would have hot dogs sitting out at room temperature for days.
2. I was fairly certain my roommate wasn’t brushing his teeth because his mouth smelled like an open sewer. I didn’t want to be rude, but it was repulsive and hard to even be in the same room as him. I asked him about it a few times and he would always insist that he regularly brushed them. I know it sounds crazy, but when he was gone I went in his bathroom and positioned his toothbrush at an odd angle that wouldn’t naturally be recreated. Two weeks later it was still in the exact same position. He had gone at least two weeks without brushing his teeth.
3. I came home on multiple occasions and saw my adult male roommate sitting inches away from the television in sweaty, gross clothes eating baked beans out of the can and intently watching episodes of Hannah Montana. What do you possibly say to that?
4. One time I had a roommate named Robin that was repulsive. She used to take a frozen piece of chicken, put it in the microwave for a few minutes, then take it out and start eating it. It would be uncooked in the middle and the sound she made eating it made me nauseous. Honestly I don’t know how it didn’t make her horribly sick.
5. Before everyone had a laptop, I lived with four guys in a house where the only computer was my Gateway desktop. I let everyone use it with the only request being that they don’t download a bunch of junk onto it. Not only did one of my roommates download Kazaa, the old file sharing program, but I found out months later when I moved out that he had created a hidden folder of porn. Not just regular porn, but stuff that had titles suggesting it was underage girls as well as animals. I was beyond horrified.
6. I had a roommate who was very overweight and wasn’t hygienic in the least. Apparently she didn’t wear pads because she got up from the cloth recliner my parents had given me for the apartment and there was a puddle of period blood already soaked into the fabric. I was furious and she refused to acknowledge that it was her. I had to throw it out because for weeks our living room smelled like Captain D’s and a thousand staplers.
7. When I was in college my creepy roommate woke me up on three different occasions crying hysterically and yelling that demons were flying above his bed and laughing at him. What do you say to that?
8. I love my old roommate and she’s still a great friend, but I was mortified the time I walked in her room and saw a cork board with used condoms pinned all over it. They had names written above each one like Dexter’s blood slides. You just can’t unsee some things.
9. I walked in on my roommate having sex in the living room on my couch. All I could see was him naked from behind and covered in sweat. Then the girl turned around and I saw something that will haunt my dreams forever; he was having sex with my sister.
10. I always had a container of Vaseline that I mixed with sugar to use as a lip scrub. If you’ve never tried that, you should. It’s awesome! Anyway, I had a male roommate which had never been a problem until I got off work early one day and caught him masturbating with my Vaseline. He wasn’t scooping it out and using it, he was thrusting into the jar. The same jar that I used daily on my lips.
11. I woke up several times and saw my roommate sitting in the floor staring at me and whispering something I couldn’t understand. The next day when I would ask him about it he would say he didn’t know what I was talking about and I must have dreamed it.
12. After college I lived with a few guys that I was either friends with or we had gotten from Craigslist. One of my roommates named Chris always kept to himself and his room was always closed off. I didn’t think much about it because he always paid his rent on time so that was all I cared about. I got a text from him one day asking if I could please open the window in his room immediately. Since he had never asked me for anything I quickly went into his room. I walked in and the room was completely empty except a mattress lying on the floor, a bunch of dog food, and a camcorder sitting on a tripod. He didn’t have a dog either. I never asked about it because I honestly didn’t want to know the answer.
13. My college roommate played James Blunt’s song “You’re Beautiful” on repeat every morning FOR A YEAR.