Thought Catalog

I Never Wanted To Let You Go But You Never Wanted To Stay

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Chad Madden

I’ll admit, I was sad.

Like really sad.

For a second there it felt like my world had been ripped out from under me.

You asked for time, so I gave it to you. But what I didn’t consider was that maybe I needed time as well.

See that was a problem. Throughout the course of our relationship I gave my self very little consideration. But in the time you asked for, and I so graciously gave, I began to realize that amongst other things.

I was holding on to a possibility you didn’t believe in. You knew me. Better than anyone. I let you see me at my worst and most vulnerable and also at my best and most powerful. And because of that I wanted to continue to have the opportunity to see the same from you. Because let’s face it, you’re a good guy. Not perfect of course, but definitely worth the work.

But so was I.

I treated you so delicately. Like someone I was afraid to lose. And though you acknowledged my rarity, you knew my whole soul, it wasn’t enough for you. I think part of you wanted it to be, I saw the ways you tried. But you were never able to fully commit.

And I knew.

I didn’t have to check your phone or snoop through social media. The signs were clear. You weren’t willing to bet it all on me. Just the smallest portions that could get you by for the time being. You were waiting for a miracle, but I was the miracle.

I was sad for a few days. I mourned you as if you were the greatest thing to walk this earth, but that was me, I was the gift. I didn’t lose, I learned.

You acknowledged it was you, the changes that were needed were your own, but then you asked ME for solutions, should they not have come from you? Should you not have been honest enough to tell me what you were willing to do, capable of doing, and ask for whatever else you needed to help you get to that point?

You said you never wanted to lose me, you never wanted it to end, but you left.

A walking, talking, contradiction and that is why I was finally able to let you go. When the chips began falling into place I was able to really see, it didn’t matter how much you said you loved me if you weren’t willing to do a damned thing about it. I remember the day you threw me the line. I was hopeful. You said you had been selfish, that you realized it wasn’t all about you, and I thought it was a step. A step towards a deeper lover and communication, and then you pulled it back. You decided it wasn’t worth it. And it crushed me, crushed me that you wouldn’t walk through fire for me the way I foolishly would have for you.

But then I realized, where were you going to find someone like me?

I’VE been looking for someone like me my whole life.

I was sent to make you better. To make you want bigger things for yourself.

While I was looking for possibilities you were fixated on our limitations and it killed us, like a cancer, eating up all the good parts. And though I want to be upset at you I feel like maybe deep down you knew this, and this is why you set me free. You knew you’d only taint me so you broke me instead knowing I could repair myself and I’d be better for it.

So I can let you go now that I understand that this wasn’t my fault, this wasn’t some evidence that I’m unworthy of love.

I can let you go knowing that I tried, and I would keep trying if you hadn’t stopped that from happening.

I can let you go knowing my love for you doesn’t have to stop. I will always love you and hope for you best. I will pray that you can find yourself and that you don’t settle for the life you have lived thus far, guarded.

I can let you go knowing I gave you my all and hope the little things I said and did are enough to fill you up for a lifetime.

I can let you go knowing we’ll be okay. We’ll grow from this and be better for having gone through it.

I can let you go knowing that if I ever saw you again, I could smile and remember only the good and not all of the wasted possibilities. TC mark

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