Latest Articles

Adderall Shortage Has Privileged White People Scrambling

“Oh gosh, I don’t know how I would function,” said Becky, a 52-year-old from Oshkosh, Wis., who’s been taking generic Adderall XR. “It helps me get up in the morning and get going. If I didn’t have it, I probably wouldn’t get up out of bed. I’d be so confused and my mind would be racing.”

Everything I Know About Werner Herzog

Every time a Waka Flocka Flame song plays, whether the listener is aware of it or not, they will experience two to eight thoughts Werner Herzog has thought. Every time a Waka Flocka Flame plays around Werner Herzog he feels uncomfortable but doesn’t know why. Immediately after viewing Herzog’s Land of Silence and Darkness, Waka Flocka Flame retreated to his room for a week and denies seeing the film to this day.

“Batman” Is Arrested in Michigan

A 31-year-old man dressed as Batman was arrested in Michigan on Wednesday. Police found him hanging helplessly from the side of an office building, which is great, because it gives us a chance to make fun of him. Insert “Holy ______, Batman!” joke here.

The Pros and Cons of Deleting Your Facebook

Facebook has no influence on the relationships that actually matter to me. It’s the people on the periphery who get to stick around past their expiration date. If I deleted it, those are the kinds of people who would become casualties.

How to be Temporarily Homeless After Moving Across The Country

Get strong from hauling everything you own up and down the subway stairs on a regular basis. Apply for jobs, look at apartment listings, and charge your phone at ugly internet cafes. Stay in random restaurants and bars for hours when it rains because you have nowhere else to go. Feel intensely grateful every time somebody offers you a towel to shower with.

Study Shows 85% of New College Grads Move Back in With Parents

Fresh new unemployment numbers and an extremely crappy economy are causing all the new college grads to move back in with mom and dad. Time reported on Tuesday that according to a poll conducted by consulting firm Twentysomething Inc., some 85% of new college grads are going back home not long after their cap and gown ceremony.

Why Do We Tolerate The DJ?

Our girlfriend is wearing a most dramatic black dress that’s cut well above the knee and glistens even in the velvet glow of the club. She looks so hot. She’s dancing to music she hates, but you’d never know it. Someone tells her she looks like Mila Kunis. You look like a gutless teacher’s assistant on his night out.

Dear Gay Dude: I Think I Might Be Gay

I’m a straight dude who has been curious for quite a while about hooking up with a gay dude. However, I want said gay dude to be sweet, and I’d like to get to know him first. What should straight-until-now dudes know about meeting and subsequently trying to take gay dudes out on dates? We are sketched out by Craigslist and would prefer to avoid it.

How To Go Out With Your Tax Preparer

You finally make the very adult decision that this year you’ll just pay someone to wrangle the government for you. You ask your good friend, where are you doing your taxes? And she’s all, well, I know a dude. He’s cheap, and seems real down-to-earth. You think, worth a shot right? Friends don’t let friends screw up their taxes.

Bedding Complexities Explained

Necessity was the mother of invention, now consumerism is. A recent trip to Bed Bath & Beyond overwhelmed me so much, I did some subsequent research and have compiled the ultimate guide to bedding.

Rocks

He sits back in his chair to admire his taste. He tells me something about you. He says he cannot see you from my words, that you do not truly exist. He says loving without returns is like a parched tongue in the desert. The more time passes, the more you want water.

The Symbiopsychotaxiplasm of Adam Sandler’s Click

Over the last forty years the recursion Greaves employs in Symbiopsychotaxiplasm has become a Hollywood trope. The Simulacrum film (movies like the Truman Show or The Matrix) has become commonplace. And the power of this kind of film – the alienating affect that recursion and virtuality necessarily stimulates – has been diluted.

How Social Networking is Like Being Back in Grade School

Being an involved member of the interweb, oftentimes to a ridiculous extent thanks to the amour-propre of Twitter, inflections of a past era arise when stepping back and realizing that there was once a place that exuded the same feelings of acceptance, amicability, general dislike, identity frustration, and obscure curiosity.

27 Questions From a 27-Year-Old

Do I have a career right now? Will I refer to this time as part of my career later? When am I going to have a career? Is this a career? Is this life, or is life going to happen later? Is everyone still getting married and settling down? Is that something everyone’s eventually going to do? Or did everyone stop doing that? Like, you know how everyone’s parents got married and then got divorced? Is that our destiny?

Five Types Of Guys You Should Have Sex With

Hot people are overrated. Even they will admit it and say, “Yeah. I’m not that great but my face is awesome. Wanna look at it a little bit more?” Ugly guys, however, know what they’re working with. They know they have a face and/or body only a mother could love so they make the best of it by being great sexual partners.

10 Albums For Depressed People

Comprised mostly of minimal instrumental tracks by music ventures from The Cure to Squarepusher, the feeling of the album is that of subtle sadness, hope, and overarching, nostalgic beauty. The mood set by this part of the soundtrack is so heavy and light at the same time that you could easily spend an entire day listening to it on repeat, looking out the window at the sun shining down.

Excerpts From My Fantasy Life

Analysis: …These fantasies are fixated on failure, endings, or disaster. The patient exhibits a dangerously high level of narcissism combined with an annoying level of overwroughtnesss. …Recommend that he be confined to a mental ward immediately.

A Tale of Two Proms

Next year at prom, we rolled up in James’ mom’s minivan and I avoided the bong being passed around in the backseat. This year it was at an auditorium by a lake, where they used to hold our dances in junior high. There was a smoke machine. We danced this year. Frank would do this thing where he’d pick me up and spin me around and throw me across the room.

The Perfect Summer Mix Tape: Side B

So I know reggae is sort of an embarrassing musical genre that has been overrun by frat stoner bros, but there are still some major gems to be heard. Reggae is like a nice added spice. You don’t want too much of it, but a little can be just what the summer doctor ordered.

5 Things Wrong with NBC’s The Event

There’s a scene where she says something to the effect of, “Despite my reluctance, we’re going to have to kill all the humans,” and I thought, ‘That is the only way to fix this show.’ If they actually murdered all the humans on network TV, I would finally become engaged.

The Impossibility of Hanging Out Sober

Someone would cry, someone would be put in a headlock, some nights I’d be the only one in the car bawling my eyes out to Bruce Springsteen and thinking about the time I wandered off with a stranger at the grocery store because the wore the same brand of stone washed jeans my father did.

Queens Woman Leaves Newborn Infant in Hospital Trash Can

Stories of abandoned infants found in dumpsters or other unfortunate places are fairly common, but in an event that took place yesterday, a woman from Queens, NY brought it to a new level of WTF. When Dawa Lama, 23, gave birth to a baby yesterday at Elmhurst Hospital Center and didn’t feel like keeping it, she dropped it in a trash can outside of the emergency room.

How To Love Yourself

You like yourself. You think you’re good company. You go to lunch by yourself, catch the occasional movie all by your lonesome, and are content in spending a solo star night in. You would hang out with you. Sure. Why not?

Dating: Melbourne vs. New York

You might make out, you might not, but you will exchange numbers. You’ll know that you really like each other when you’re in a cab going home alone at the end of the night and you’re sending and receiving super cute, incredibly loaded text messages to each other. The next day you’ll probably hang out again—one of you will inevitably invite the other to a group picnic or to see the latest indie film at the coolest indie cinema with some awesome indie friends.

Things That Suck About Summer

Leather in the summertime is enough to make me join PETA; it makes me want to pour red paint on every leather surface I encounter. I want to look the leather-owner straight in the eye afterward. My stare would say, “You ridiculous cow murderer. A fie on you (but should you offer, I would love to go on a car ride with you come winter. Your car is really sweet.)”

6 Things I Learned From Sleep Away Camp

Sleep away camp is like high school, only it happens sooner and is more visceral in nature. Instead of worrying about where you sit at lunchtime, you must worry about which cabin you have been assigned. In other words, it’s not who you eat with, but who you sleep with that determines whether or not you are cool.

In Defense of Sex

I have never lost sight of the fact that sex is something free, amazing and primal.  You should do it with confidence and love.  But keep in mind that love is not always going to be for the other person.  That love should always, first and foremost, be for you.  I took time on my own (and eventually with others) to determine what I liked. 

Arsenal Fan Freaks Out During Match

It’s NBA playoff season, which means basketball fans around the world are obsessing inconsequentially about their teams. But as much as Lakers fans may grate at your soul or Knicks devotees may strike you as the most pathetic fans in the league, devoted in fandom in England and the rest of the soccer-watching world is on another level of intensity, as evidenced by this video of an Arsenal fan freaking out.

What I Learned from a Porn Star

In a way, Oprah and Marianne Williamson are as insidious and harmful as supermodels and June Cleaver to collective lady consciousness; as success objects, they represent a synthetic enlightenment that I just can’t reach — conceptually they inhabit an odorless, exquisitely decorated, taupe universe that seems inconceivable in any three dimensional reality.

Texas Man Airlifted To Hospital After Fight With Cat

CLEVELAND, TX. – Last Friday afternoon, a Cleveland man was airlifted to a Houston hospital after reportedly getting in a fight with a cat. The wounds he sustained were serious enough that he required specialized attention that wasn’t offered at the Cleveland Regional Medical Center, where he was first driven via ambulance.

Telling Your Parents You Got A Tattoo

Live in Bushwick, think to self “eff this I will TOTALLY tell them next time I see them.” Come home occasionally, wear cardigans and refuse to go to the beach. Don’t try on cute sundresses in front of your mom, even if they were birthday gifts. Act self-conscious and defensive when your dad comments about the hot weather.

The Perfect Summer Mix Tape: Side A

You’re getting out of your sandy clothes with the person you’ve been sleeping with. They’re naked, you’re naked, and you’re about to be naked together. The sunlight is peeking through your window and the song is making you feel stoned and horny. Get hypnotized by the lazy smooth beat and roll around in the sheets for a few hours.

I Suck At Breaking Up With Girls

I’m really bad at breaking up with girls. No one is good at breaking up with people, but I’m particularly bad at it, because I think I’m doing a good job at it every time. Every time I think I’ve figured it out, that I’ve spent the weekend running recon missions in my head, mapping it out like a raid on Abbottabad.

I Seriously Thought Justin Bieber Was a Girl at First

I was driving with my friend Ryan and he came on the radio with the voice of a developed woman, singing, “When I met ya girl, my heart went knock-knock…” I realized the lyrics said, “girl,” and since I was under the impression the song was sung by a girl, I thought we were listening to a lesbian. “This is so progressive!” I yelled over the song.  “A lesbian pop-artist on the air, unbelievable!”

WTF, NYC? Racist Man on Subway Flips Out, Gets Naked, and Attacks Passersby

Last week I wrote about why I wouldn’t want to live in NYC, and if I had seen this video, I may have included “crazy naked subway racists on PCP and cops who don’t do shit while they attack random passersby.” I’m assuming the policeman held off on doing anything until after the enraged guy attacked two or three people because he… didn’t have back up?

Five Types of Guys You Should Not Make Out With

He’s got an exotic accent that makes you feel worldly and cultured and a charm that makes you feel like you’re in a Jane Austen book. He doesn’t quite understand America (or English, for that matter), and that makes him just adorable enough for you to want to put your non-European lips all over him. He’s perfect. But he’s really not.

A Guide To Getting Cast On The Real World

The Real World allows one gay person on per season so this could be your chance! But by agreeing to participate in the show, you acknowledge that you’ll have to be celibate the entire season and be denied any kind of identity other than The Gay Guy Who Isn’t Allowed To Hook-up Because America Isn’t Ready For It.

Sophomore Year of Real Life

In every life stage, I’ve always loved sophomore year. Hopefully I didn’t already lose you because obviously, senior year’s inherent assumption of the proverbial throne, junior year’s ascent into the upper caste and even freshman year’s Holden Caulfield-like age of innocence are all notable in their own right.

An Open Letter To Birth Control

Screw you, HBC, for making me feel that way. Screw you for making me irrational, hairless, enraged and depressed. Screw you for making me bleed like a stuck pig and curl into a fetal position from such exquisite pain. Screw  you for messing with my beautiful skin.

A Copywriter Takes On the After-School Program

Only rising stars can master their own universe. That sentence, for instance, is a perfect example my capabilities as a poet.  One who was quite well compensated for his wordsmithage, don’t forget.  But money and power are not enough for some people, meaning me. 

Lit: A Column About Good Books (May)

Each month, I’m going to recommend my favorite new books. Why should you trust my suggestions? I read a lot of books. I edit Omnivoracious, the book blog of Amazon.com, and The Bygone Bureau. But mostly, I’m extremely optimistic about the current state of books. I believe the best literature is being written right now.

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