Latest Articles

The Curious Things People Say

The translation, of course, is “You’re fired because you’re incompetent,” but what “Not a good fit” manages to do here is transform the feeling into something that’s much less personal. You may argue that this is good, but I would argue that it’s bad; I’d rather receive the information in a comprehensible way that doesn’t end up making him feel empty and confused afterward.

Adorable Dog Sentenced To Death By Stoning

ADORABLE! DOG! SENTENCED TO DEATH! BY STONING! …Well, we’re assuming that the dog is question is adorable, because most dogs are. But you never know. It could be one of those annoying small yappy dogs. Or, god forbid, even a disgusting poodle or something like that. Mostly, we just called the dog “adorable” to get you to click on this article.

Welcome To A Supersized Dear Gay Dude!

Did you miss me? I apologize for leaving you high and dry there but Gay Dude was too busy caring about himself to care about other people’s problems. Just kidding! Not kidding. To make it up to you though, I’m going to give you a supersize edition of Dear Gay Dude by answering a handful of your questions instead of just one.

5 Texts I Wish I’d Never Sent

On June 4, 2002, Avril Lavigne, the soon-to-be epitome of all things awesome and angsty, released the album Let Go. It was credited as one of the top pop albums of 2002, which leads me to believe a lot of girls, like myself, heard it and adopted various lyrics to use as life mantras throughout middle school, high school, and yes, ok, college.

A Love Letter To A Friend

I was sitting in a cafe today and was about to order a coffee, and I saw these two girls a few tables over, laughing and smiling and touching each other’s shoulders when they said something particularly witty. I thought of you, and I ordered a tea instead.

5 Things People Like To Do When They’re Angry

A lot of anger is unexplainable, a lot of is irrational, and a lot of it feels just plain silly. So you cry when you have nowhere else to go with it. “I don’t know what to do so I’m going to just cry tears of rage. I’m going to cry for everything bad that I feel inside of me right now.”

The Filthiest Place On Earth, Otherwise Known As The Women’s Bathroom

We’d all crowd into the bathroom and look at the poop glaring up at us from the tiled floor. If it was in the open we’d crowd around it and scream and point. If it was in a cubicle we’d take turns looking at it through the door or stand on the toilets in the adjoining cubicles peering over the top of the cubicle wall, screaming and pointing.

The Five Worst Smells I’ve Ever Smelled

I ask my dad what he is “cooking,” he is frying; eggs and grated parmesan cheese with butter and liquor. Yes, that’s effing right. The smell made me dry-heave, and vomit within a minute of each other. I go in the kitchen to see what this mess is and it is a green pile that my boyfriend is now consuming with a smile.

Things That Prove To Be Not As Good Of An Idea As You Once Thought

You only at that bowl of tortilla chips because you walked by the kitchen en route from the toilet. You don’t even like them that much, anyway (unless you’re making those magical microwave nachos using the taco cheese your sister buys in bulk). But you thought you could use something spicy and you still had half a can of diet coke next to your bed. Waste not, want not.

Why I’d Still Bang Tom Cruise

I know, I know, this isn’t 1988 (even if the hipsters are still dressing like it is), and Tommy’s been through the wringer in recent years. He got heat for jumping on Oprah’s couch (whatever, I like an unstable man), and every other Perez Hilton entry mentions his homosexual tendencies (bisexual men exist, people). But let’s get real here. Tom Cruise would be great in bed.

Comic Books For People Who Hate Comic Books: Transmetropolitan

Spider Jerusalem, a drug-addled gonzo journalist of the future is forced out of seclusion by his publishers. Armed only with his laptop, a pair of camera-glasses and a ray-gun called “the bowel disruptor” (which does pretty much what it sounds like) Jerusalem proceeds to rampage all over the dystopian city of the future, culminating in a battle of words with two corrupt presidents…

The Dalai Lama Is Not Cool

Sure, the Dalai Lama is a being of infinite wisdom and compassion who is the living reincarnation of the Buddha. But does he get jokes? Hells no he doesn’t. Here he is being interviewed on the Australian “Today Show.” Anchor Karl Stefanovic starts telling the following joke to Mr. Lama — “So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop…” he says. Cue a completely baffled reaction by the spiritual leader…

The Dos And Don’ts Of Taking Drugs?

Andy Cohen is your God, genius, and savior. What will that cute little Jewish leprechaun come up with next?!? What’s better than watching a bunch of crazy people on the same drugs that you’re on, driving around in nice cars and fighting with each other?

Samuel L. Jackson Reads ‘Children’s’ Book Titled Go The F**k To Sleep

Well, the book was released this week, and what a better way to welcome it to the public with a hilarious reading of it by none other than Samuel L. Jackson! Yesterday I heard that legendary director Werner Herzog was going to do the audio for it – which would have been equally delightful – but I guess Sam Jackson got to it first! Please enjoy, and perhaps play for your own children.

I Hate Your Sleepovers, And Especially Your Mom

Thanks so much for inviting me to sleep at your house. I never would’ve been able to fall asleep at my own house what with the comfortable and familiar bed, the lack of snoring, and the wholly reassuring thought that my own parents would be sleeping a few rooms over and would protect me if sex-offenders picked our locks or if ghouls arrived and tried to eat my bones.

Top 10 Bruce Willis Movie Quotes

Once I wrote this list I realized I’d missed a lot of amazing Bruce movies—Twelve Monkeys, Mercury Rising, The Jackal, Hudson Hawk, Blind Date, Striking Distance, The Whole Nine Yards—and I almost hate myself a little bit for not being more discriminating with my choices. But then I asked myself, WWBD?

5 More Things You Can Do To Make A Quiet Person Feel Bad

If you want to make a quiet person feel bad, tell her to smile more, as there’s nothing like being passively shamed into not meeting the American culture’s daily smile quota. The American nation is indeed one of fake laughs, put-on smiles and objectively erratic behavior to fill silences that have somehow come to mean awkwardness.

Four Vignettes From Bonnaroo

The band started and intense sighs were released. They were good. Really good. Way better than I expected, even. For an hour the tent was a rippling mass, all fist pumps and body spasms.

Books I Want To Bang

This is by no means a complete list of things I’ve read or even enjoyed, and the sad fact of the matter is that I know that I’m leaving out a ton of great books for the sake of time, simplicity, and the fact that I can no longer remember their titles (I’m such a book-slut). But these are the ones that stood out.

How To Sign Someone’s Yearbook

Oh my god, was there anything worse than “Have a great summer?” You might as well have written “Piss off and die, you social pariah!” Whenever someone would write that in my yearbook, I would basically weep in the corner and be like, “Why does this person hate me so much? I thought we were friends!”

Why You’ll Love The Voice

You will begin to really care about these people, these exceptions to the rule. Not only talented, they’re so likeable. You love them before they’ve even performed. And then they perform! It is an amazing thing to see a person redeemed. You may cry at parts.

A Lesson In Text Message Etiquette

2 hours passed, then 4 hours. I did the usual: deleted his number, swore I was over the whole thing, realized I wasn’t, Facebook stalked until I found a group he’d joined where someone had dropped their phone in a pool and needed numbers (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about), got his number from there, and decided to send the dreaded DOUBLE text.

Get Back To Nature, But Get Too Drunk To Remember It

The cottage/ camping/ vacation weekend – a theoretically relaxing “break” from the real world – is in fact the mentally defective brainchild of the residual borderline alcoholic and self destructive “experimenter” in every newly “socially productive” postgraduate. It almost always plays out something like this.

A Guide To Making Bad Decisions: Shoplifting

We don’t condone shoplifting because it’s illegal, embarrassing, and so 2002. But if you’re really jonesing to channel your inner Winona, here are some tips you should follow to avoid being arrested and taken to Shame Spiral Jail.

5 Things You Can Do To Make A Quiet Person Feel Bad

By introducing a quiet person to a group as a “quiet person,” the quiet person is instantly a) categorized without having input, perhaps ruining any chance of making their own first impression and b) denied the option of being seen as a normal social individual, in the case that today is one of the days that the quiet person is going to try to enhance his conversational output to “normal.”

Notes On Living With My Ex-Boyfriend For Eight Months

This was not how it was supposed to work. I never set out to be half of that couple you hear about. The ones that because of high rents or long leases or the great dysfunction are forced to live with each other long after their relationship has expired. Yet here I am. Freshly twenty-seven and living with my ex-boyfriend.

WTF: Charlie Sheen Negotiating To Star In New Sitcom

I can’t believe this, but according to NY Daily News, Charlie Sheen is apparently in negotiations to star in another television sitcom, which could start as early as January. Sources say the show will air on broadcast television, but that Chuck Lorre – producer of Two and a Half Men – will not be involved.

It’s Time To Calm Down About Bradley Cooper’s French

He’s revealed himself as some sort of sexual demigod, capable of being modest, funny, charming and face-meltingly handsome at the same time, all while speaking French while we had our backs turned. You could practically feel the internet become a little… humid… as women (and gay men) passed the video fervently amongst each other, sharing the glory.

Times I Felt Superior To Other People

Every time I go to the gym and everyone else is fatter than I am: As I currently live in one of the tubbiest states in the nation and work out at a very small gym, this is the primary source of superiority feelings at this particular point in my life.

My Week With Dan: Part One, The First Encounter

We went back outside to the table where everyone was sitting, and there I was, between Dan and my boyfriend, with my ex and my secret sexual fantasy sitting directly across from us. Dan and I talked. He showed me his Flip and being the giant nerd that I am I thought it was really cool and it made me like him more. We talked and we told jokes and we picked on each other and flirted inappropriately.

When Cinema Lies: College Movies

College. A time of growth and learning. A chance to broaden horizons and sew wild oats. Having experienced life almost entirely through the medium of DVD, this is what I expected the experience to be like, and oh, how wrong was I.

7 Things You Do At A Video Game Conference

In fact, so many normal people and casual fans of video games have asked me, with an air of morbid curiosity, ‘what is E3 like,’ that I have decided to present this helpful primer about things that you do at a video game conference so that you will feel like you have been there. Except your feet won’t hurt and your blood will not be half-liquor and you will not be exhausted. Lucky you.

Songs From An Empty Room

The single grainy black and white photo of Marianne, half obscured by her own shadow, bestows her with beauty, for she is nothing more than an idea of what she is, a personal vessel of fantasy.

How To Live In Berlin

Start partying as it gets warmer. Get to the club at 3am and don’t leave until midday the following day. Wonder how you’ll ever keep up with this sort of party lifestyle. Go to Berghain at least once. Get a bar job in an illegal club and start going to underground parties where the walls sweat and people like Dan Deacon play for free. Start to genuinely love electro music.

Consuming Bodily Fluids

We all know what it feels like to want to be so close to someone that merely pressing yourself up against their body is not enough, and the only way to achieve the desired level of closeness would be to literally cut them open and crawl inside their ribcage, submerge yourself in all the weird junk that lives beneath their skin.

Here’s Your Video Of The Drunkest Person Of All Time

I’ve gotten fairly drunk in the course of my lifetime, but never quite as drunk as this particular English gentleman, who falls into a wall, tumbles down some stairs, then flips backward over the railing, landing upside-down directly on his neck, while avoiding killing himself… somehow or other.

How To Eat Vegemite Like An Aussie (Fair Dinkum!)

Recently my American housemate sampled some of my Vegemite while I was out of the house and she hated it. When I quizzed her about how she had eaten it I was horrified to hear that she didn’t layer it with margarine, nor did she toast her bread. “That’s not how you do it!” I screamed at her, cheeks turning rosy (rosy, not red, because I’m a happy little Vegemite, as bright as bright can be!).

An Open Letter To Everyone On JDate

I mean fine, whatever; my standards aren’t really that high after a few gin and tonics anyway. I can sift through the rest of the Jews in the five boroughs. Actually, make that four. I wouldn’t date anyone from Staten Island. Queens is pushing it, too. And the Bronx, well, odd numbers bother me, so let’s just make it two: Manhattan and Brooklyn.

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