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The translation, of course, is “You’re fired because you’re incompetent,” but what “Not a good fit” manages to do here is transform the feeling into something that’s much less personal. You may argue that this is good, but I would argue that it’s bad; I’d rather receive the information in a comprehensible way that doesn’t end up making him feel empty and confused afterward.
ADORABLE! DOG! SENTENCED TO DEATH! BY STONING! …Well, we’re assuming that the dog is question is adorable, because most dogs are. But you never know. It could be one of those annoying small yappy dogs. Or, god forbid, even a disgusting poodle or something like that. Mostly, we just called the dog “adorable” to get you to click on this article.
Did you miss me? I apologize for leaving you high and dry there but Gay Dude was too busy caring about himself to care about other people’s problems. Just kidding! Not kidding. To make it up to you though, I’m going to give you a supersize edition of Dear Gay Dude by answering a handful of your questions instead of just one.
Vancouver is ethnically diverse, but everyone shares the Canucks. Indeed, during Game 5, the arena seemed less of a sporting venue than a mega-church. And on the streets afterwards, you could hardly move – it was a roiling, animal energy.
On June 4, 2002, Avril Lavigne, the soon-to-be epitome of all things awesome and angsty, released the album Let Go. It was credited as one of the top pop albums of 2002, which leads me to believe a lot of girls, like myself, heard it and adopted various lyrics to use as life mantras throughout middle school, high school, and yes, ok, college.
If you find yourself inside a generic hipster clothing store, chances are you aren’t happy about it. The last time you were there, you blacked out and spent $400 on a pair of fringe boots. When you came to, you saw the boots hidden in your closet and screamed bloody murder. So why are you here again?
I was sitting in a cafe today and was about to order a coffee, and I saw these two girls a few tables over, laughing and smiling and touching each other’s shoulders when they said something particularly witty. I thought of you, and I ordered a tea instead.
A lot of anger is unexplainable, a lot of is irrational, and a lot of it feels just plain silly. So you cry when you have nowhere else to go with it. “I don’t know what to do so I’m going to just cry tears of rage. I’m going to cry for everything bad that I feel inside of me right now.”
We’d all crowd into the bathroom and look at the poop glaring up at us from the tiled floor. If it was in the open we’d crowd around it and scream and point. If it was in a cubicle we’d take turns looking at it through the door or stand on the toilets in the adjoining cubicles peering over the top of the cubicle wall, screaming and pointing.
I ask my dad what he is “cooking,” he is frying; eggs and grated parmesan cheese with butter and liquor. Yes, that’s effing right. The smell made me dry-heave, and vomit within a minute of each other. I go in the kitchen to see what this mess is and it is a green pile that my boyfriend is now consuming with a smile.
You only at that bowl of tortilla chips because you walked by the kitchen en route from the toilet. You don’t even like them that much, anyway (unless you’re making those magical microwave nachos using the taco cheese your sister buys in bulk). But you thought you could use something spicy and you still had half a can of diet coke next to your bed. Waste not, want not.
I know, I know, this isn’t 1988 (even if the hipsters are still dressing like it is), and Tommy’s been through the wringer in recent years. He got heat for jumping on Oprah’s couch (whatever, I like an unstable man), and every other Perez Hilton entry mentions his homosexual tendencies (bisexual men exist, people). But let’s get real here. Tom Cruise would be great in bed.
Spider Jerusalem, a drug-addled gonzo journalist of the future is forced out of seclusion by his publishers. Armed only with his laptop, a pair of camera-glasses and a ray-gun called “the bowel disruptor” (which does pretty much what it sounds like) Jerusalem proceeds to rampage all over the dystopian city of the future, culminating in a battle of words with two corrupt presidents…
Sure, the Dalai Lama is a being of infinite wisdom and compassion who is the living reincarnation of the Buddha. But does he get jokes? Hells no he doesn’t. Here he is being interviewed on the Australian “Today Show.” Anchor Karl Stefanovic starts telling the following joke to Mr. Lama — “So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop…” he says. Cue a completely baffled reaction by the spiritual leader…
Here featured are characters from Woody Allen films, which are actually just, you know, Woody Allen, edited into screenplay dialogue. With it’s categories (“Stammering,” “Intellectual Profession,” “Highbrow Reference,” “Bon Mot,” etc.) FILMDRUNK – the website that ran the retrospective – is spot on. Good job dudes.
Andy Cohen is your God, genius, and savior. What will that cute little Jewish leprechaun come up with next?!? What’s better than watching a bunch of crazy people on the same drugs that you’re on, driving around in nice cars and fighting with each other?
I am descendant from apes, this is true, but I am nogorilla, and in that light I admit I am the descendant of religious folk but am no longer a believer. Religion is my coccyx bone, and the fact that its residual echoes choose to surface during moments of passion is something I have come—pardon the pun—to relish.
A recent survey done by Trojan condoms has revealed that residents of D.C. have the most sex out of anyone in the U.S.. 75% say they have sex on the regular (LIARS!) and 70% are down to have even more. I guess this sort of makes sense considering it’s where our nation’s politics reside.
Well, the book was released this week, and what a better way to welcome it to the public with a hilarious reading of it by none other than Samuel L. Jackson! Yesterday I heard that legendary director Werner Herzog was going to do the audio for it – which would have been equally delightful – but I guess Sam Jackson got to it first! Please enjoy, and perhaps play for your own children.
Thanks so much for inviting me to sleep at your house. I never would’ve been able to fall asleep at my own house what with the comfortable and familiar bed, the lack of snoring, and the wholly reassuring thought that my own parents would be sleeping a few rooms over and would protect me if sex-offenders picked our locks or if ghouls arrived and tried to eat my bones.
Once I wrote this list I realized I’d missed a lot of amazing Bruce movies—Twelve Monkeys, Mercury Rising, The Jackal, Hudson Hawk, Blind Date, Striking Distance, The Whole Nine Yards—and I almost hate myself a little bit for not being more discriminating with my choices. But then I asked myself, WWBD?
If you want to make a quiet person feel bad, tell her to smile more, as there’s nothing like being passively shamed into not meeting the American culture’s daily smile quota. The American nation is indeed one of fake laughs, put-on smiles and objectively erratic behavior to fill silences that have somehow come to mean awkwardness.
For men, the goal is to look like you’re a 45 year old corporate executive on the weekend. Wear collared shirts at all times, either polo or button up (sleeves rolled up, of course, and never unbutton more than the first button). Wear khakis—rarely jeans, never cargo pants.
The band started and intense sighs were released. They were good. Really good. Way better than I expected, even. For an hour the tent was a rippling mass, all fist pumps and body spasms.
This is by no means a complete list of things I’ve read or even enjoyed, and the sad fact of the matter is that I know that I’m leaving out a ton of great books for the sake of time, simplicity, and the fact that I can no longer remember their titles (I’m such a book-slut). But these are the ones that stood out.
Oh my god, was there anything worse than “Have a great summer?” You might as well have written “Piss off and die, you social pariah!” Whenever someone would write that in my yearbook, I would basically weep in the corner and be like, “Why does this person hate me so much? I thought we were friends!”
She is nobody except Kendra Wilkinson. While this means she’s clumsy and that she apparently can’t grocery shop (Oh, the pilot episode of Kendra! How I love you!), it doesn’t mean she has no self-awareness. In fact, she has a complicated view of her identity.
You will begin to really care about these people, these exceptions to the rule. Not only talented, they’re so likeable. You love them before they’ve even performed. And then they perform! It is an amazing thing to see a person redeemed. You may cry at parts.
2 hours passed, then 4 hours. I did the usual: deleted his number, swore I was over the whole thing, realized I wasn’t, Facebook stalked until I found a group he’d joined where someone had dropped their phone in a pool and needed numbers (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about), got his number from there, and decided to send the dreaded DOUBLE text.
The cottage/ camping/ vacation weekend – a theoretically relaxing “break” from the real world – is in fact the mentally defective brainchild of the residual borderline alcoholic and self destructive “experimenter” in every newly “socially productive” postgraduate. It almost always plays out something like this.
We don’t condone shoplifting because it’s illegal, embarrassing, and so 2002. But if you’re really jonesing to channel your inner Winona, here are some tips you should follow to avoid being arrested and taken to Shame Spiral Jail.
By introducing a quiet person to a group as a “quiet person,” the quiet person is instantly a) categorized without having input, perhaps ruining any chance of making their own first impression and b) denied the option of being seen as a normal social individual, in the case that today is one of the days that the quiet person is going to try to enhance his conversational output to “normal.”
This was not how it was supposed to work. I never set out to be half of that couple you hear about. The ones that because of high rents or long leases or the great dysfunction are forced to live with each other long after their relationship has expired. Yet here I am. Freshly twenty-seven and living with my ex-boyfriend.
I can’t believe this, but according to NY Daily News, Charlie Sheen is apparently in negotiations to star in another television sitcom, which could start as early as January. Sources say the show will air on broadcast television, but that Chuck Lorre – producer of Two and a Half Men – will not be involved.
He’s revealed himself as some sort of sexual demigod, capable of being modest, funny, charming and face-meltingly handsome at the same time, all while speaking French while we had our backs turned. You could practically feel the internet become a little… humid… as women (and gay men) passed the video fervently amongst each other, sharing the glory.
Oh okay, this is my best friend from middle school. It’s weird to see him kissing some girl and being all grown up. because I know him best with dirt on his face and skinned knees. Looking at his Facebook makes me feel old or distant or both.
Every time I go to the gym and everyone else is fatter than I am: As I currently live in one of the tubbiest states in the nation and work out at a very small gym, this is the primary source of superiority feelings at this particular point in my life.
After achieving the rank of the #1 dirtiest city in the country last year, New York City appears to have cleaned up slightly – it’s now only the 5th filthy city in the US. The Big Apple now ranks behind New Orleans, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Memphis.
We went back outside to the table where everyone was sitting, and there I was, between Dan and my boyfriend, with my ex and my secret sexual fantasy sitting directly across from us. Dan and I talked. He showed me his Flip and being the giant nerd that I am I thought it was really cool and it made me like him more. We talked and we told jokes and we picked on each other and flirted inappropriately.
College. A time of growth and learning. A chance to broaden horizons and sew wild oats. Having experienced life almost entirely through the medium of DVD, this is what I expected the experience to be like, and oh, how wrong was I.
Even the people who don’t have style at a liberal arts college know at the very least to wear Doc Martens and a floral dress. The worst dressed person at a school like NYU or Sarah Lawrence is the best dressed person at a place like Michigan State.
In fact, so many normal people and casual fans of video games have asked me, with an air of morbid curiosity, ‘what is E3 like,’ that I have decided to present this helpful primer about things that you do at a video game conference so that you will feel like you have been there. Except your feet won’t hurt and your blood will not be half-liquor and you will not be exhausted. Lucky you.
Lindsay wakes up still drunk from last night, clutching a copy of The Parent Trap. She immediately starts hearing voices in her head so she takes two morphine pills leftover from her “wisdom teeth surgery” to dull the noise.
The single grainy black and white photo of Marianne, half obscured by her own shadow, bestows her with beauty, for she is nothing more than an idea of what she is, a personal vessel of fantasy.
Start partying as it gets warmer. Get to the club at 3am and don’t leave until midday the following day. Wonder how you’ll ever keep up with this sort of party lifestyle. Go to Berghain at least once. Get a bar job in an illegal club and start going to underground parties where the walls sweat and people like Dan Deacon play for free. Start to genuinely love electro music.
Ideologies are fantasies that support our relationships with each other and these false pictures give us our very identities. In fact, we don’t really fantasize about the world, but rather we are the fantasy. Our relationships and thus our very identities are not backed up by anything.
We all know what it feels like to want to be so close to someone that merely pressing yourself up against their body is not enough, and the only way to achieve the desired level of closeness would be to literally cut them open and crawl inside their ribcage, submerge yourself in all the weird junk that lives beneath their skin.
I’ve gotten fairly drunk in the course of my lifetime, but never quite as drunk as this particular English gentleman, who falls into a wall, tumbles down some stairs, then flips backward over the railing, landing upside-down directly on his neck, while avoiding killing himself… somehow or other.
Recently my American housemate sampled some of my Vegemite while I was out of the house and she hated it. When I quizzed her about how she had eaten it I was horrified to hear that she didn’t layer it with margarine, nor did she toast her bread. “That’s not how you do it!” I screamed at her, cheeks turning rosy (rosy, not red, because I’m a happy little Vegemite, as bright as bright can be!).
I mean fine, whatever; my standards aren’t really that high after a few gin and tonics anyway. I can sift through the rest of the Jews in the five boroughs. Actually, make that four. I wouldn’t date anyone from Staten Island. Queens is pushing it, too. And the Bronx, well, odd numbers bother me, so let’s just make it two: Manhattan and Brooklyn.
