Latest Articles

On Hipster Masculinity: An Original Gangster Stole My Girlfriend

I had spent a long time, consciously and unconsciously I suppose, cultivating a certain look and participating in a certain culture. A part of this was definitely motivated by the fact that I wanted to bang hipster girls and, as with Amber, maybe date them. But if Amber could just as easily sleep with an original gangster as with me, what sense was there to it all?

A Brief Retrospective of The Pine-Sol Lady

I love the Pine-Sol black lady. I understand that commercials about household cleaning products are deeply problematic and that women don’t actually receive joy or sexual pleasure from products or having to use them. At least they don’t most of the time. The Pine-Sol lady has a name, Diane Amos. She has been the Pine-Sol lady since I was a teenager, 1993, in fact.

A Recipe For Quitting

Start with 4 scoops of I Hate Myself (you can buy this at your local grocery store for $6.66). Have something in your life—a relationship, drugs, chocolate cake—that you must get rid of. It has begun to impact your life negatively, you’re doing it to excess, you wake up every morning disliking yourself because of it. It’s just no good.

Foodie Pride

Food, especially in conversations like this, is often compared with sex–and rightfully so. Like sex, it is something that ties us together as humans and is a collective itch we all must scratch. We take immense pleasure from these things because, if done right, they not only fill their base requirements but stimulate the very colors of life itself.

What Body Are We Breeding?

The obligations of the day blind us. We focus on waking up and getting ready, getting where we need to go, negotiating work and family and love and bills and traffic and taxes. It’s not often that we afford ourselves the opportunity to survey the world, its mechanics and mode of operation.

The Horror and Unintentional Hilarity of Sex Education

What was your sex ed class like? I went to an Episcopalian middle school, which meant that our sex ed class consisted of a single day of gender-segregated classes in which my closeted lesbian gym teacher taught the girls about periods, and my goofy science teacher told the boys about the hair we might grow on our balls.

Lessons That I Learned From Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Everything that I need to know in life, I learned from repeated viewings of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (With the exception of a few things that I picked up from The Empire Strikes Back.) I have watched Star Trek II approximately 2,703 times; I can quote even the boring parts — like the part where they’re flying the ship out of space-dock. …And today, I would like to share some of the important lessons I have learned from this movie.

I Have Finally Come To Understand The Plot of Mouse Hunt

I have come, finally, to understand the plot of the film Mouse Hunt, in which Nathan Lane loses his mind chasing after a furry little creature with whom the audience empathizes. When I saw the kiddie mainstay, I was in its target demographic, and, of course, rooted for the mouse. It was so cute! Now, I am rooting for Nathan Lane—which is more or less rooting for myself.

The Problem With Having A Serious Discussion on the Internet

And this is TL;DR in action, sort of, and it’s also why humanity is funny. Perhaps this is why ‘discussion’ on the internet can turn into 20,000 comment-long threads full of misunderstanding, nitpicking, semantic call-outs, and accusations of not being intellectual enough. Because no one actually knows what they’re talking about, so in essence, everyone’s posturing (which is one of the most satisfying things to accuse someone of)!

Why We Love Hackers

In the case of the PS3, users understand the idea of punishing a hardware giant for trying to interfere in its users’ sense of individual ownership, and while they may not support organized crime, while they might feel super totally bad about people’s credit cards being compromised, they can assume that identity theft is only a side effect of the reckoning to which Sony is now being called.

On Buscemeyes

These funny looking eyes adorning our most heralded sex icons and female celebrities are so enjoyable, surreal, and uncanny —  exposing the artifice of their sheen into some internal sleep-deprived struggle, as portrayed by these sunken post-manic Buscemi eyes.

A Teenager In Love

Knowing that you like boys when you’re a boy is one thing but actively trying to love them is quite another. Because even though you’re turned on by men, even though you know that’s all you could ever want and there is no other option, there’s still a pit of fear and shame that exists deep inside your belly.

Glass House & Iron Vault

I’m saying that we have to start thinking differently about what public and private mean.  The net result of this transparency is a kind of honesty that shouldn’t make us reform our lives— it should make us reform our vision of what a responsible life is all about.  Responsible people get drunk, they rant, they have and think about sex, they doubt themselves, they change their opinions, sometimes they’re assholes, sometimes they’re naive.

What To Do On A Gloomy Day

You wake up, and you feel gloomy. Things haven’t been going exactly the way you’d have liked, and you’re stressed about typical coming-of-age, college-student crap, and the weather’s nondescript, and your apartment is empty, and you wish you could just fast-forward through the whole day.

A Guide To Telling a Story About Getting Bullied

Bullying resists metaphor and comparing it to almost anything usually obscures more than it illuminates.  Yet getting bullied remains a lot of a people’s first explicitly political experience, their first brush with indifferent power.  Am I projecting?  Never mind how the bully feels, or that we have all been bullies ourselves at some point in our lives.  Power appears hazy and vague to those who wield it.

BREAKING NEWS: Our President Is Probably Not a Kenyan Splinter-Cell Terrorist

Today, President Barack Hussein Obama released his long-form birth certificate. This binding legal document proves, once and for all, that our President was born in America, and not in Kenya or Indonesia. Other places where our President was not born include the following: Soviet Russia, France, Switzerland, Freedonia, Shangri-La, and the lost continent of Atlantis.

Why Jersey Shore Needs To Just Die

The mayor of Florence, Matteo Renzi, has squashed any hopes of a ratings bonanza by enforcing a set of rules that the cast must follow while filming in Italy. The rules, which include banning the gang from being filmed in places that serve alcohol, prevent Jersey Shore from behaving like Jersey Shore, which is permanently drunk.

What It Feels Like To Be Eaten Out

I hate it when a guy asks me to “Tell me what you want.” while we’re hooking up. That’s a dumb fucking question. For future reference, men of the world, I only want one thing, and that is your tongue on my clitoris.

A “Sad” Girl’s Reflection After a “Funny” YouTube Video

I have been thinking about my face lately. When I was younger, I was at dinner with my mother and relaxing my face when she snapped at me. “Why does your face look like that? You look miserable.” She pouted and squished her face in mockery. I don’t know if I was miserable even then or if I was resting my face as I had claimed.

How to Win Post-Graduation

Count up all the graduation money your family members sent you in the hope that it might ease your transition into adulthood. Then slowly spend the majority on fancy coffee drinks from Starbucks and organic vegan granola bars from Whole Foods. Spend the rest on a stylish Chinese lantern with an orange flower design around the edge you ordered off the internet.

A Personal Timeline of Sexual Self-Discovery

Age 12: I am informed by my parents that God kills kittens every time a boy masturbates. My parents decide it’s funny to make dying cat noises when they walk past my room on their way to bed. Masturbation is suddenly less fun.

10 Truths About Grief

Grief can make you impulsive, because you realize just how precious life is. For short, powerful bursts of time, you think “fuck it” and book trips to Thailand. Grief can make you a walking tempest, a ball of pure rage. You hate everything. You compare everyone. You begin to resent friends who are alive for not being the ones who are dead.

How to Have A Twitter

Don’t even follow members of your own family. They probably only have something like ten followers and make tweets like “@@mybeautifulson miss u honey!!! how do i use this thing?” or “used great coupons at Target today!”

The Worst Date of My Life

Either way, I’ve enjoyed my single life here and never really felt any overwhelming pressure to find a boyfriend. It wasn’t until a few solid weeks of encouragement and guarantees that this guy was Prince Charming incarnate that I agreed to the date. My friend assured me many times that I met this guy once at a house party, something I still contest (much more vigorously after having met him).

My First Brazilian Wax

It began growing when I was about thirteen. I have no memory of when the hair sprouted – only that it was not there the year before. It was soft and downy, glossy and black. I used to tug at it in the bathtub. One day I had the impulse to trim it. I had forgotten what I looked like without hair, and I was curious to see myself again. In the bathtub, I used scissors – a razor seemed drastic.

San Francisco Hosts First Ever IRL Mario Kart Race

Anyways, the real story behind this video is that it’s footage from the extremely fun-looking Bring Your Own Big Wheel (BYOBW) 2011 on Easter Sunday, a race where the colorful citizens of San Francisco race down the city’s hills – in this case, Potrero Hill – on big wheels they most likely stole from their kids.

OMG, Man Dances On Rollerskates!

If you live in New York, you should not be watching this video. You should be outside playing in the sun and praying for a sunburn. You should be far far away from anything that’s indoors. I swear, if you are looking at this video, I command you to X out of it. Do it. Now! It’s just not worth the viewing. Outside > This video.

Sofia Vergara’s Diet Pepsi Commercials Misunderstand the Internet

Therein, a Tweet from the ABC sitcom star reading “At the pier… just saw #DavidBeckham!” clears an entire beach of girls searching for the British soccer star David Beckham, freeing Ms. Vergara to go buy a Diet Pepsi, unencumbered by David Beckham fans who happen to read her Twitter feed and/or subscribe to the hashtag “#DavidBeckham.” Which is everyone. Or no one!

10 Films to Make You Cry

Some people don’t cry during movies, but if you’re the type who isn’t opposed to a good cry, and you’re moved by the power of cinema, these films will likely have you shedding at least a tear or two. Some will have you reaching for a tissue simply because they’re so unbelievably sad, while others are more likely to overwhelm because their combination of images and sounds matched with a sad subject matter.

Internet Rapper Rapping About Weed Passes Out After Hitting Joint

This internet rapper appears to be on both the path to fame and an aneurysm via this video he recorded of himself, which, for some reason, he decided to upload to the internet. In the video, we see the dude talking large and boastful – as is the tradition of freestyle rap – about money, street savvy, and the ability to fuck “niggas” up. But all that soon comes to an end. Video inside.

Remembering Full House via Musical Moments

Gotta Dance – Stephanie takes up professional dancing. She busts her ass, struggles with practice, and thinks about quitting several times. When she hears that her group performance of ‘Motown Philly’ might land her an entire summer of dancing boot camp, she throws the performance on purpose and busts out some cray cray dance moves. All of her fellow dancers are like, “Homie, what?”

5 Activities To Do On Ambien That Don’t Involve Sleeping

Ambien is a fatass. It puts weed munchies to shame. You could have eaten a huge dinner and it still wouldn’t matter because when the Ambien hits, a ravenous hunger takes over you and you begin to crave strange things like hard boiled eggs, spaghetti and meatballs, and an entire box of Wheat Thins.

I Am a Person, Remade Every Moment. I Am Not a Worst Case Scenario.

There are certain truths we cannot see because we have internalized clichés that mask them with a superficial similarity. I had always shied away from “positive affirmations” – italics here are representative of a knowing cynicism – because I imagined that they were intended to make me “like” myself, and that once I “liked” myself all of my problems would evaporate.

Photo Essay Explores What It Would Be Like To Live At Ikea

In this awesome photo essay, aptly titled “What If You Lived At Ikea,” photographer Christian Gideon and his friends clandestinely explored—wait for it—what it would be like to live at Ikea. I guess it would be pretty much the same as living in my apartment, except with furniture that has all its screws and isn’t at risk of collapsing every time you open a drawer or set a plate down.

Empowerment Fantasies and the Superhero Movie

I think there’s an insatiable national hunger for Empowerment Fantasies. The stock market crash disempowered people, made them feel their destinies were in the hands of mysterious market forces rather than their own. Then they watched all these Wall Street Lex Luthor types avoid punishment, and instead receive gigantic cash bailouts.

My First Real Internet Love

We flooded the message board with personal flirty messages that redefined the word corny. We called each other husband, and wrote big public posts of longing and missing. After two weeks we had enough of the distance (Death Cab’s Transatlanticism was our theme song.) and decided to meet up.

What It Feels Like To Get Your D Sucked

I’m just saying that giving someone a blowjob is an amazing gift. It’s better than paying for dinner at Buca di Beppo, it’s better than filling someone’s gas tank up, it’s better than paying for the movie and popcorn.

When The Redhead Turned Orange

On my way home, I noticed I was dripping beads of tan and had to be at my cousins wedding in less than an hour. On the remainder of the drive, I traveled with my head out of the window, (an appropriate action for a dog, but very dangerous for a person.) I kept reminding myself, “pain is beauty” or in this case, a possible decapitation.

The Business Suit Is Liberating

The business suit — a pain in the ass, no doubt, and rarely attractive — marks a clear line between home and work. It is a uniform that declares: “This is me at work. There is another me that is, frankly, none of your business.” In the old days, you couldn’t get a job if your hair was long, your nose pierced, and tattoos covered your arms.

I Don’t Care About The Royal Wedding

The Royal Wedding. What is it? Why is it here? Why is it taking up space on my favorite blogs? Here’s what I’ve been able to deduce so far from this whole shitshow of an event. Some balding British guy who peaked when he was 16 (#dark) is marrying a woman named Kate Middleton.

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