I’m slowly learning that my feelings don’t always make the right decisions or feel the right emotions. Sometimes they feel things out of loneliness, out of a certain need or just living out a fantasy in my head. I’m slowly learning that my gut can sometimes be deceitful.
I’m slowly learning that my heart can be fickle. Longing for a sweet word, enamored by a simple gesture or chasing things for temporary happiness. I’m slowly learning that when it comes to love, my heart still can’t tell when it’s right. My heart still doesn’t know how to fully trust. My heart is still healing and sometimes the fear of being broken again stops my heart from feeling anything at all.
I’m slowly learning that my feelings change. I wake up every day a different person. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m guarded. Sometimes I wake up with the urge to give and take care of everyone I love and sometimes I wake up with a need to feel loved and taken care of. Sometimes I feel like I’m ready for love and sometimes I feel like I still have a lot of things to figure out about myself first. Sometimes I know what I want for sure and sometimes I have no idea.
Which is why I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from overthinking and trying to figure out what everything means. I’m tired of reading too much into the signs and trying to understand what the universe is trying to tell me. I’m tired of asking myself too many questions I’ll never have the answers to. But thankfully, I have someone to lean on. I have someone to trust. I have someone who handles everything I can’t. I have God.
And I’m slowly learning how to trust him over my feelings. I’m slowly learning how to follow him over my heart. Because my feelings shouldn’t be all over the place and my heart shouldn’t feel heavy or uneasy. My gut shouldn’t be dishonest and I shouldn’t be so confused if something is meant to be. Maybe the problem is I’m still getting attached to things that are not meant for me and God is still trying to teach me how to let go.
I’m slowly learning how to live beyond my feelings, beyond the life that I know, beyond the lessons I’ve learned. I’m slowly learning that my feelings can be transient because they’re always attached to how I’m feeling at a certain moment, they’re always dependent on my current state of my mind and I’m learning that if I want to have a calm and stable life, I can’t give in to my feelings, I have to surrender to God, his plans and his timing. I have to trust him more than I trust my feelings. I have to trust his destination even if I don’t know how he’s going to take me there.