Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m just too sensitive. Maybe I just can’t forget or maybe you were just that important. Maybe I wanted a lot more than this. A lot more than just small talk.
But I just can’t see you and pretend like we’re normal. I can’t see you and pretend like it’s all good.
I can’t see you and pretend that you didn’t hurt me.
I can’t see you and not think about all the things I wanted to talk to you about instead of talking about work and the weather. All the secrets I wanted to share with you and all the stories I wish you had told me. I can’t see you and pretend like I don’t wonder what could have been or why you had to disappear too soon.
I can’t pretend like I don’t know about her. I can’t pretend like I don’t know you’re giving her your attention, your time and your love. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me every time I see you and think that you picked her and I still don’t understand why.
I can’t get over how quickly things have ended, how quickly they collapsed. I can’t get over how you didn’t say a word and how I didn’t ask you a single question. I can’t get over this silence or how quickly you replaced me. I just can’t.
Part of me just wants to be honest with you and tell you everything, tell you that next time you see me, pretend like you didn’t because I’m already invisible to you. Part of me just wants to tell you that you don’t have to be nice or cordial because it all doesn’t matter now. It’s all the same to me. You’re not mine and until you are, there’s nothing you can do that will fix it.
But I can’t get myself to tell you anything because I don’t know if you’ll ever understand. I don’t know if you’ll ever feel it. I don’t know if you even know how much you meant to me.
But part of me also believes that maybe you know exactly what happened, maybe you know exactly what I’m going through or how I’m feeling. Maybe you know everything I heard about you and her and you’re still choosing to ignore it. You’re still choosing to act like it’s not a big deal. You’re still choosing to disregard my feelings and that’s just something I can’t forgive. That’s just something I can’t forget.
I can’t see you and treat you like a stranger or a friend. I can’t see you and pretend like I don’t want to touch you or tell you that I miss you. I can’t see you and pretend like it’s over because for me, it’s not. For me, it didn’t even start. For me, it still doesn’t make any sense. For me, it still feels like a nightmare that I’ll eventually wake up from.