Thought Catalog

I Wonder If I’ll Ever Stop Loving The Wrong People

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apricotberlin

I wonder if I’ll ever stop falling for wits and charms that sweep me off my feet with no intention of carrying me. If I’ll continue to fall for words I want to hear that are not backed by actions. If I’ll continue to believe that maybe this time it’s different when it’s exactly the same.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop giving chances to people who already ruined their first few ones. If I’ll finally close the door without giving them the keys, if I’ll just realize that if they can’t get it right from the first two times, they probably never will.

I wonder if I’ll keep trying to fix all the people who are already unfixable. I wonder if I’ll keep cutting myself trying to put their shattered pieces together. I wonder if I’ll ever learn that they won’t stop me from bleeding when they are the ones who keep slashing my veins.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop believing even if the odds are against me. Even if everyone is telling me to forget it, even if everyone is telling me it’s not right. I wonder if I’ll keep blindly following my heart without ever stopping to ask it where it’s taking me.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop falling for those who have too many options to pick only one. For those who want to explore more than love, who want to wander more than commit, who want to run away more than belong. I wonder if I’ll ever realize that everything with them will be short, sweet and temporary.

I wonder if I’ll stop getting attached to those who are only in my life for themselves not for me. I wonder if I’ll stop thinking that maybe I can change their minds, maybe I can move them, maybe I can inspire them and I wonder if I’ll ever stop extending my hand to those who don’t want to hold it.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop trusting the wrong people with my secrets, with my stories, with my issues and with myself. I wonder how many of them even remember what I said and I wonder how many of them were even listening. I wonder if I’ll ever stop sharing my life with those who are stingy with theirs.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop being the good friend when I want more. When the thought of them with another person hurts, when my head is hurting from banging on the wall they built, when my eyes are tired of looking at them when I’m invisible to them and I wonder if I’ll ever have the courage to abandon the last drops of hope I have of keeping the connection alive.

I wonder if we’ll ever be on the same page. Or will I always meet them at the wrong place or the wrong time. If I’ll always meet them when they’re still hurting from a love they lost or closing their hearts off because they’re scared. I wonder if I’ll ever meet them when they’re ready and I wonder if I’m just destined to keep throwing my heart to people who are not willing to catch it.  TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing. Living. Loving. Dreaming. Healing. Evolving.

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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