I Found Myself When I Lost You

jakestrongphotog
jakestrongphotog

I found my voice when I lost your opinions.

I found my own truth, my own words, my certainty and my sanity. I found the freedom in expressing myself – I fell in love with my words again, when I took out your snide comments and your sharp looks, when I left your corrections and your reservations, when I remembered how much I loved talking nonsense or blabbing whatever comes to my mind. I remembered how much others loved my words, how others waited for me to utter one word and I finally started using them with all the right people. My words started having meaning when I stopped talking to you.

I found my passion when I lost your logic.

I found what my heart really beats for; I didn’t care if it’s right or wrong, if it’s safe or dangerous, if it’s what everyone is doing or what no one is doing, I just followed my heart until it found its home. My life started being much more than just a boring routine you set, much more than a set of rules you enforced and much more than just watching the news in the morning and watching movies at night. I found my heart when I kicked you out of it.

I found my friends when I lost your peers.

I found my people, the ones who get my wandering soul, the singers, the dancers, the story tellers and the rebels. The ones who appreciate the beauty of just sitting in silence watching the sunset or having conversations about the moon and the stars or anything that you thought was ‘useless.’ The most ‘useless’ I’ve ever felt was with you. I found my purpose when I pushed you out of my way. 

I found my identity when I lost your title.

I figured out what I want and what I don’t want. I figured out who I want to be and where I want to live. I figured out that I like my style even if you didn’t, I like how my clothes don’t have to match and my hair doesn’t have to be perfectly straight, I realized that I love being messy, I like chaos, I like things that don’t have to be spectacular as long as they mesmerize me. I realized that I don’t have to like things that sparkle because I found a way to shine anyway. I found my light when I left your darkness.

I found my path when I lost your direction.

I found my journey, the one that represents me, the one that reflects who I really am, the one that guides me to something more. It may not be the right way or the best way, but it is where I need to go, it’s where I need to disappear and it’s where I need to escape to find myself. Maybe your road is smoother and safer but my road inspires me, it makes me stop and ponder everything along the way, it makes me question myself and my life, it challenges me to find answers and disclose secrets. It makes me meet a lot of people who enlighten me, people who make me cry, people who make me laugh, people who betray me and people who would take a bullet for me.

My road is filled with adventure, your road will eventually hit a dead-end that leads to nowhere, but mine is full of side roads, shortcuts and highways, it’s endless. My road is not easy but it’s vibrant – my road is full of life. I finally found my life when I lost yours. TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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