1. Scheduling an obscenely early workout.
Who are you at noon, after a good night’s sleep? Some might say you’re the best version of yourself. I say you’re the worst version of yourself. The Hyde to your Jeckyll, who tactfully places booby traps at every corner, with the hopes of ensnaring your 9pm self. I love Pilates, but how many 8am classes is it going to take for my noon self to realize that I would always, always, always rather spend that time sleeping? Sadly, it seems there is no number of 8am classes that will successfully dismantle the eerie optimism of one’s mid-day self.
2. Stopping at Duane Reade on your way home.
It’s only your optimistic noon self who would have the gall to expect you to stop at Duane Reade on your way home. Duane Reade: I bet it sounds perfectly reasonable after a nice lunch in the sun, doesn’t it? But by nightfall, the thought of trekking those six blocks is enough to convince you that toilet paper really doesn’t matter all that much; that you actually kind of enjoy wiping with swabs of paper towels!
3. Agreeing to go to a party.
At noon, you’re some kind of manic party hopper; you RSVP “yes” to everything – e-cards, Facebook invites, casual get-togethers, you name it. At that hour, “no” is simply not part of your vocabulary; there’s nothing that can stop you from attending nine parties. Not even the fact that four of them are all during the same one-hour timeframe. And while such a level of enthusiasm might feel wonderful at the time – benevolent, even – it’s important to remember that these feelings are all one big ruse and that you, at your most freakishly optimistic, are your own worst enemy. A traitor to yourself, whose sole objective is to make you look bad.
4. Promising yourself that you’ll lay off your vice of choice.
It’s funny; at noon, you truly are perilously delusional. Not only do you believe that you have the capability to physically be at more than one party at once, you also believe that, throughout your entire nine-party extravaganza, you’ll be able to summon the superpowers needed to resist any free alcohol that might come your way. Not because you have the support of an AA sponsor, or because you’ve been going to a hypnotherapist twice a week, but because you want to!
5. Finishing the rest of your work tonight.
It sounds easy enough when you’ve been awake for only three and a half hours; when it’s still a “new day,” in which anything is still “possible.” But it’s important to remind yourself that, above all else, you’re still half asleep and, by extension, not to be trusted. Don’t go out of your way to make promises that you know you’ll be incapable of keeping — especially if you’re making this promise to your boss.
6. Finally reading those magazines that are piling up at home.
At this colorful hour, you are nothing but a collection of delusions. Track records, in theory, might ring true but at noon they don’t even register into your consciousness. As such, the thought of an eight-foot stack of magazines doesn’t have the dreaded, crippling, anxiety-producing effect it tends to have around 9pm. Somehow, this thought is welcomed with open arms and for no other reason than you haven’t yet seen another unsuccessful day to completion.
7. Googling some basic facts that have been nagging at you and holding you back for awhile now.
“Tonight,” you tell yourself, “tonight will be the night that I will finally Google Ed Sheeran and find out who this pesky character is.” As if tonight will somehow be different from every other night since that fateful day you heard the name “Ed Sheeran” for the first time. As if tonight will be the night when investigating something you’ve never cared less about wins over every other alternative: watching reruns of the Kardashians, mindlessly scrolling through your Instagram feed, getting lost in a Subreddit on the theories of Tupac’s whereabouts, etc. But yeah, go ahead; keep telling yourself that tonight will be the night – I’m sure that’ll make it happen!
8. Taking out the trash.
Sometimes you think your noon self exists for no other purpose than to betray the person you are nine hours later. Sure, it’s possible that you’ll return home after a long day of work with a second wind – a surge of energy that nearly carries your trash for you. But it’s a lot more likely that the trash chute in your basement maintains that same chilling, murderer-dwelling-cave aura it has always had around 9pm. What your noon self fails to realize is that, while taking out your trash may seem easy enough, stuffing your trash to its very brim – something you didn’t consider – is actually far easier.
9. Getting a manicure.
The optimism you possess around noon hasn’t even the capacity to imagine that something as self-indulgent as a manicure could, a mere hours later, seem like a chore to you. You know that it’s this precise fact that’s led you to skip pedicures for years at a time. Yet somehow, you still believe that today your perseverance will finally prevail. Well, a little something to consider? Think again.