As we all know, men are complex, nuanced, deer-like creatures who startle easily at the slightest conversational miscue. If you want to get and KEEP your man, there are things you should never talk about with him, EVER. If you talk about these things with a man, you will be cast into the outer darkness, with great weeping, and gnashing of teeth. So just have no opinion on the following five things. Ever. …Capiche?
Men love sports: they love all sports indiscriminately — the biathlon, foxy boxing, baseball-hitting-and-throwing, plus football sports. Sports rule and all men love them… except some men don’t actually love sports, but are scared to reveal this, due to the patriarchal nature of our blah blah society. So if you dare to discuss sports with “your man,” you may in fact be putting him under undue pressure where he will in fact freak the fuck out.
So don’t say something like, “So whaddya think? Should the Lakers amnesty Kobe; free up all that cap space, after all, no SG is ever the same after an Achilles’ rapture like that, right? And while they’re at it, maybe they should flip D’Antoni for Jackson, go back to the triangle, because the run-and-gun is never gonna work with Howard, duh.” If you make the mistake of saying something like this, your secretly non-sports loving man may panic and scream something like: “ME LOVE THE BALL GAME, YES FOR REAL I DO NOT LIE, RRRRARRGH!!!” and then tear his shirt in fear like a reverse Incredible Hulk or something. So just don’t do it! Ever.
Men are forced from an early age to play with G.I. Joe and Transformers action figures, and thus think that war is great, and mostly consists of laser gun shooting where no one ever actually gets injured or killed ever. So if you dare to say that war might not be the greatest thing ever, and might lead to death n’ stuff, your man will — again — panic, and jump out the window in confusion, thereby injuring himself rather badly. Therefore, YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO DISCUSS WAR WITH “YOUR MAN.”
Men are forbidden from talking about most aspects of girls’ lives: the fact that they look pretty without make up; the fact that all women are beautiful in their own unique way. So do not talk about anything related to women and women’s rights around your man. If you do, his brain will lock up in fear, and he will have an aneurysm, and fall over, while foaming at the mouth. SO DON’T DO IT, LADIEZ!
If you say something like, “That Matthew McConaughey — what a hottie-pattotie, amirite?” or, “Ryan Gosling sure can rock a pair of skinny jeans, yum!” — if you say anything like this, your man will be struck by an inferiority complex, and once again will fall over with an aneurysm. So also don’t talk about anything having to do with men.
5. Barack Obama
…You just don’t want to talk about Obama, because all men are actually secretly Birthers. (It’s a little-known fact.) So don’t talk about this, unless you want to have a really stupid conversation involving Kenya and long-form birth certificates, which will suck for all involved. Don’t talk about Barack, ladies!
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…And there you have it! So, as long as you avoid discussing men, women, sports, politics, or anything else that “your fella” might be interested in, your conversations will go smoothly and fine!!! On second thought, it’s probably easier if the two of you just always stay in separate rooms, and communicate via an intricate system of coded knocks. So just do that, ladiez!!!!
images – Muramasa, 1984 (DVD)