Closure is bullshit. We know when a relationship has ended. We feel anxious, knowing something has changed but we stay waiting for them to confirm our worst fears. We wait patiently in our limbo and our misery, holding our breath for the “truth” so that we may move on and finally exhale. In the meantime, we accept less than we deserve, knowing damn well that we are not loved, or even considered. But we stay like dogs waiting for our owner’s next command, wagging our tails and licking our wounds like fools.
Closure is nothing more than an excuse not to leave a situation because we are attached and too afraid to leave of our own free will.
Closure is asking permission to leave the table when you were not being fed, you can remain famished while waiting for answers or you can excuse yourself. More often than not, you already know the answer. If your partner barely returns your texts, shows minimal affection, has little to no interest in your daily activities, and almost never considers your feelings, do you really need them to verbally state that they do not care for you? Life does not always come with neon signs pointing you in the correct direction, sometimes you actually have to be slightly intuitive. I’m certain that the relationship has given you more than enough evidence to warrant reasonable doubt
“I just wish he would tell me the truth instead of making up excuses.”
Let me explain a few actualities about the truth: 1. You don’t really want to hear the truth, 2. Your partner will more than likely never tell you the real truth, 3. The truth will likely further damage you more than you already are and 4. THE TRUTH IS NOT NECESSARY. Sometimes, people do not have the self-awareness to articulate why they no longer care for you. You expect your inconsiderate, fuckboy partner to somehow have an epiphany in which he realizes his inner-workings and can verbalize his values, preferences, and expectations for a partner?
The truth is simple: you are no longer working for him.
Maybe you expect more than he is willing to give, maybe he wants more of a let’s -get-together-once-a-week-to-bang kind of gal rather than a sleepover-every-night-and-snuggle gal. Maybe your partner wanted something different initially and then changed their mind or maybe the infatuation just worse off.
None of the aforementioned possibilities matter. The truth is that for whatever reason, they no longer wish to put forth the effort that you require and you are responsible for leaving the relationship with or without closure.
I am a perfect example of the person that will never tell you the truth. The truth is often cruel and people in love are often not accepting of it. I will likely say something to the effect of: “I just don’t feel like you are ambitious enough.” The truth? I feel like you lack the core characteristics needed for success and I have no interest in carrying dead weight and straining myself for the remainder of my life like a hospice provider for your potential, nursing your dreams until their demise. My partner will then become defensive and give countless examples of how my sentiments are “wrong,” which will do little to change my opinion on the matter. I could then point out several other reasons that the future of the relationship is futile, all of which will also then be debated and eviscerated by the other party that is not ready for the relationship to end. The truth is that I just do not want to try anymore and I was done two months before the conversation even started.
“If he doesn’t care about me, then why does he stay?”
Because you have sex with him and he can text you whenever he does want a warm body next to him to watch The Big Bang Theory. You are an escort that he can pay with cheap pizza and a good ol’ cuddle and since you accept far less than you deserve, you’re dependable as well! You get five Yelp stars for being desperate and accommodating.
The real question is: Why do you stay? The answer: fear and attachment.
He stays because the situation is perfect, even if only for him. He will likely tolerate you for as long as your low self-esteem allows him to. Because he is content, he will likely let the relationship carry on until you develop a spine and walk away.
Closure is an internal process that does not require external information or validation. We have to decide when our needs are not being met and we have to make the decision to leave.
Accepting less than what you require will always negatively impact your self-worth. Staying in a relationship in which you are not valued teaches you to value yourself less and trains you to tolerate future instances of unworthiness.
Closure is a decision that comes from a place of empowerment not one of acquiescence.