Thought Catalog

I Hate Myself For Loving You

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Veronika Balasyuk

It’s late at night. Another sleepless night filled with thoughts and weary eyes. As months pass by, the communication grows more nonexistent. You would think over time I would be over this.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, but I can’t seem to quit you.

I cannot fathom love and the feelings it gives me. I am beyond ecstatic on one end, yet crumbling to pieces on the other. My day lights up with you, but is darker than a city wide blackout when I’m without you.

Yet, even without you, I cannot help but love your absence. Being alone can be so wonderful at times because I get too suffocated. Too sucked into the idea of you. Drown in the quicksand that is our differences. Sometimes, I believe we need a step back to regain our balance.

Maybe we didn’t step back enough.

How can I still love someone who left me at my worst? Someone who couldn’t overlook my past, yet had more skeletons in their closet than I ever will? A person who made time for things when they “felt like it”?

Because beyond those obstacles, our time was precious. Every minute we spent was sparklingly perfect. Not a flaw, not a grey area, no confusion. We were comfortable. I’ll always treasure the laughs, the plans we spoke of, and the touches.

Never will I understand how if things are good, they can’t just stay good.

I hate that you didn’t stay. I hate how we don’t speak to each other, not even casually catch up. I hate how you just “weren’t ready” for a relationship. Mostly, I hate not catching myself before falling into your spell. TC mark

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