1. You get to appreciate the adorableness of your friends’ kids for a set amount of time (a few hours, max) and then ditch them altogether for piece and quiet, grandparents style.
2. You can sleep in on weekends without worrying about your face being poked by the tiny finger of a child desperate to play “princess” or “superheroes” circa 6AM.
3. You rarely find yourself costumed or face-painted midday, and you never accidentally leave the house wearing a cape, a tiara, or a ridiculous hat.
4. You can get wasted and wallow in the pain of your hangover the next day without caring for anyone other than yourself.
5. Your boobs are still perky because pregnancy and breast-feeding haven’t sent them to Sagville.
6. Your vagina is just as tight as it’s always been because you haven’t pushed a watermelon-sized human out of a canal more well suited to a cucumber.
7. You can discuss things like heaven, hell, death, and homosexuality without being met by a slew of simple yet shockingly difficult-to-answer questions like “What’s hell?”
8. You’re not yet fluent in baby talk, thank God. You speak in full sentences, in your regular voice, sometimes employing unnecessarily big words like “lugubrious” just for the fuck of it.
9. You can curse your face off without being accused of saying a “bad word” or being forced to put a dollar in some stupid jar.
10. You get to attend R-rated movies whenever the hell you want.
11. When you feel like eating out, your options aren’t limited to “kid friendly” restaurants famous for their overpriced chicken fingers and fries.
12. You never have to fret over potential public embarrassment by a mini-me who lacks any sense of etiquette.
13. You have no idea who the latest Disney star of the moment is.
14. You can’t name the hottest boy band or tween pop star, either.
15. You can flip through an issue of US Weekly and proudly cite your inability to identify any of the famous tweens featured because you’re a respectable adult with grown-up tastes in bad reality TV shows, not pint-sized celebs with momagers.
16. You don’t have to take detours to avoid passing storefronts showcasing candy or toys or any other establishment guaranteed to inspire a kid to whine and moan until you buy them some shitty treat or trinket.
17. Every penny of your disposable income is yours to spend, wisely or recklessly, as you please.
18. Paying for someone to go to college isn’t a terrifying thought you have to entertain at all.
19. Every inch of your house is devoted to grown-up stuff. There are no unsightly toys crowding the living room, and no rogue Legos on the bedroom floor waiting for you to step on them in the middle of the night on your way to the bathroom.
20. You don’t have to know what the mommy wars are, let alone have an opinion on public breast feeding if you don’t feel like it.
21. You can say truthful things like “children are idiots” and then laugh without feeling at all guilty.
22. You don’t have to waste any time wondering if you’re ruining your kid’s life by spoiling them rotten or by setting a bad example.
23. You get to live entirely through your own existence, and not vicariously through some miniature human who doesn’t even understand how whack the world really is.