1. What’s the difference between a wife and a job?
After 10 years, a job still sucks.
2. What do wives and hurricanes have in common?
On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
3. What’s the secret to a happy marriage?
Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.
4. What’s the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A wife accepts credit cards.
5. What’s the best way to love thy neighbor?
When her husband’s away on business.
6. How is a wife like bacon?
They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
7. What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”?
A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.
8 Dude: My wife left me for my best friend.
Dude’s buddy: I thought I was your best friend.
Dude: Now he is, obviously.
9. What’s the difference between men and women?
Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake their entire marriage.
10. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
11. Wife: “I love you.”
Husband: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “It’s me. Talking to the wine.”
12. How is a wife like a freezer?
It takes hours of defrosting to get either really wet.
13. What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
14. I’ve spent five years searching for my husband’s killer.
Still can’t find anyone to do it.
15. Husband: “Just once I wish you’d admit I’m right!
Wife: “Just once, I wish you’d admit you’re wrong!
Husband: “Fine! I’m wrong!”
Wife: “Finally, something you’re right about!”
16. How are marriages like fat people?
Most of them don’t work out.
17. What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream. Marriage is more of a nightmare.
18. What does every heterosexual man realize ten years into marriage?
Why “gay” also means happy.
19. Which one of your kids will never grow up and move out of the house?
20. What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be?
A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.
23. How does a man really satisfy his wife in bed?
By sleeping on the sofa.
24. Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end?
She told him never to interrupt.
25. Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife.
So do most married men.
26. Wife [in front of the mirror]: “I feel ugly. Give me a compliment to make me feel better.”
Husband: “Your vision is absolutely perfect.”
27. Husband [in front of the mirror]: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and bald?”
Wife: “I do.”
28. Husband: “I wanna know when you orgasm next.”
Wife: “I’d rather not interrupt you at work.”
29. Wife: “Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?”
Husband: “Why don’t you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?”
Wife: “I don’t get it.”
Husband: “Worked on your ass, didn’t it?”
30. Some people say their wedding was the best day of their lives.
I’m guessing they’ve never had two candy bars fall out of the vending machine simultaneously.