My phone is ringing for the third time and I am just staring at it as it displays your name on the screen. I am not doing anything, but I somehow wish I have an excuse to not answer your call.
I thought of all the past reasons I have been using lately to avoid you. I started to wonder how something that I used to look forward to everyday suddenly suffocates me. And just like a wakeup call, a pang of guilt hits me for not even being bothered by how things are going between us.
I remember how the sight of you used to paint a smile on my face… how a tiring day becomes a lot better with just one hug from you. You were my sunshine, my happy pill. I did not even know what my life would be like without your presence in it. I imagined it would make me feel hollow, empty… but then I kind of crave for it right now.
Am I selfish to want a day or two without having to deal with you? Without having to think about you?
I am slowly pulling away… and the weird thing is, the willingness to leave, to be alone, it does not even scare me. I know in my heart it’s about to end.
Saying “I love you” became a reminder of how I should feel rather than an assurance of what I really feel. Kissing you is close to waving a hand at a friend I saw on my way home, something I’ll normally do because it’s expected. Asking you how your day was felt like a routine instead of a conversation I’m actually interested about. Your hands became too cold against my skin, your arms around me made me feel uneasy. I stopped looking forward to dinner dates with you and I no longer keep track of how long we have been together. There are even days when I cannot even point out the exact thing that made me fall in love with you in the first place.
I wish there was a way to prepare both of us for this. To somehow anticipate that this will happen and figure out how we could have saved the love, to avoid everything from going down the drain.
I’ve thought about this a lot, more than usual than someone should. I kept convincing myself that maybe this is just a passing phase. That maybe I am just being the unreasonable girl that I often am… because you are my world.
I want to stop thinking that you WERE my world.
It breaks my heart to be in this situation with you, to be this way towards you because all you did was genuinely love me. And I want to make it work again, to be that girl again who was head over heels, back flips and barrel rolls in love with you. But I can’t lie to myself and I can’t drag this relationship any further. I know in my heart, I no longer love you.
I woke up one day and I couldn’t even see you in my future, you faded and became a distant memory. I stared at your face intently and I didn’t even feel the need to touch you, to feel your warmth that I used to find comforting.
I said your name a couple of times and all I got were inaudible whispers of a feeling that once was there.
So as the ringing came to a stop, I’m picking up my phone to return your call. I’m doing us a favor before we both end up in so much pain and hatred towards each other. You will always be one of the best things that have walked my way… and I’m sorry for this is how long I can only love you.