Have you ever felt most loved by a man when you were doing things to help him?
Have you done a chore or taken on a task that you know was his responsibility?
Have you ever reminded a man to do something several times because you were convinced he would forget?
There’s one relationship ruining habit most women are guilty of that kills his passion for you and leaves you wondering years later ‘why am I no longer attracted to this man?’.
Worse, men love it when you do it, and without knowing, they encourage you in this behaviour.
Being His Mother, Instead Of His Lover
What is Mothering?
Mothering is taking on roles and responsibilities in your man’s life that his mother would have partaken in. These might include…
- Reminding him of appointments on his schedule or things he must do
- Picking up after him
- Doing household chores or other tasks that are his responsibility
- Talking down to him or scalding him
- Any other action that resembles something his mother would do
Why does it happen?
Mothering starts with the best of intentions. You don’t want him to leave the house looking unkempt, so you iron his shirt. You want to keep the place clean, so you pick up his clothes. You’re convinced he’ll forget to book the restaurant, so you remind him constantly, or worse, go ahead and book it for him.
Neither partner at the time realises how toxic to passion these actions can be. He feels loved and cared for, and tells you “You’re amazing. Where would I be without you?!?!”.
You feel great. He feels great. Everyone feels great! So, it keeps happening. You pick up after him or take care of business again, he thanks you again.
What’s the problem then?
It’s all very happy and loving. Until you realise something.
He’s getting more and more incompetent.
By doing tasks he should be doing, by picking up after him, by constantly assuming he’ll forget and treating him like a child, he’s slowly but surely becoming one.
Bit by bit, your desire to feel ‘needed’ and his desire to feel ‘cared for’ has created a dynamic more reminiscent of mother and son than man and woman.
Essentially, your actions of constant intervention communicate one thing. ‘I don’t have faith in you to sort this yourself’.
In other words, “You’re incompetent.”
When you tell a man “You’re incompetent” on a regular enough basis, slowly but surely, he starts to believe you. He loses faith in himself and becomes reliant on you. This feels good at first, because it makes you feel irreplaceable. The problem is, soon you’ve completely untrained him in day to day competencies. Not only does a man who feels incompetent at his core make a terrible lover, but the person he’s least likely to feel attraction for is anyone resembling his mother.
The situation is no better on your side, when you realise, after another day of nagging your now incompetent man, you no longer feel the slightest bit of sexual attraction for him. The polarities have dissolved, neither of you is happy, and you’re left wondering why – despite acting with the best of intentions – you’re no longer attracted to this man.
What’s the solution?
Kill the mothering habit by communicating to him, through both your words and actions, that you have faith and trust in his competency as a man. Resist the temptation to jump in and do things for him a mother would do. For example:
He doesn’t take out the garbage?
That’s fine. Let it build up. When the house is a mess, he’ll remember.
He forgets to buy groceries?
That’s fine. Ya’ll are eating noodles for dinner.
He doesn’t iron his shirt?
That’s fine. He’s a grown man. He can make the time or go to work with an unironed shirt.
He forgets his physio appointment?
That’s fine. When he has a sore back, he’ll clue on and buy a diary.
He doesn’t book your anniversary dinner?
That’s fine. When he realises his mistake, he’ll arrange alternative plans.
I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t want to let the house get that messy mark!” or “but I WANT a nice anniversary dinner mark!”.
If you’ve already partially trained your man in incompetency, that’s the bullet you’re going to have to take to set things right again. You must give your man the room to fail.
Jumping in to save him from himself makes you feel good temporarily, but robs him of a vital lesson in competency that he needs if the two of you are to stay polarized and attracted. Letting him fail is hard – but finding yourself partnered with an incompetent, adopted son that you feel zero attraction for is a whole lot harder.