1. Over 100 people liked her picture?! Wow. I am shamefully unpopular.
2. Thanks for the like, Grandma; now please get off my Facebook. Now. Forever.
3. Privatized account? Damnit. But… but… I really want to look at her pictures. Maybe I can maneuver around here and figure out some secret way to overcome this whole private thing. Without sending a friend request. Definitely not sending a friend request.
4. Ok so… I only have two likes on the picture at this point. Should I delete it? Would people notice if I deleted it? Which is more embarrassing: having a pathetically low number of likes or getting rid of it altogether…?
5. They posted their engagement an hour ago and already have how many likes?
6. I wonder how many people would like it if I got engaged…
7. Aw, a baby! Look at her bow! Maybe it’d be cool to have a baby. I mean, I could dress it up real cute and post pictures constantly and stuff…
8. I want a dog, damnit.
9. How many people wished her a happy birthday…
10. She lost a lot of weight. She doesn’t even look like the same person! If she can do it, I can do it. Only salads this week. Only salads.
11. Please – for the love of God – limit your “We’re engaged!” posts to a max of five. Congrats and all but it’s getting obnoxious.
12. It’s her birthday today! But should I wish her a happy birthday? Maybe that’d be weird… She doesn’t know that I know it’s her birthday… so I think I’ll just ignore the fact that it’s her birthday.
13. Who even is this person? I have no recollection of her whatsoever.
14. Another engagement…. Another wedding… blah, blah, blah. My life sucks and you’re happily in love. I GET IT. OK!?
15. (Clicking to page of very distant hot-girl acquaintance) Considering I haven’t talked to this chick in like… five years… It’s pretty weird how often I find myself looking through her pictures.
16. I’m so glad she can’t see how often I’m on here. The day Facebook adopts a LinkedIn “this is who viewed your page” feature is definitely the day I delete my profile.
17. Whoa I totally forgot about him. Let’s see what he’s up to…
18. She’s making the same face in every picture and it is not cute.
19. A notification! Yay! Oh, hold up. It’s just a Candy Crush Saga invite from that person I haven’t talked to since middle school. Third invite today. God, she’s getting worse…
20. I should really delete her from my friends. It’s not like we talk. But maybe she’d notice? I don’t want to hurt her feelings or anything…
21. Since when do hashtags work on Facebook?
22. How many people have wished me a happy birthday… it may have gone up in the last five minutes…
23. I don’t want to seem shallow, but I need to delete that picture she tagged me in. Immediately. I look absolutely heinous.
24. How do I stop these ads from popping up in my feed cause they’re reminding me how broke I am and it’s annoying.
25. She’s posting literally every 27 minutes. I know “hate” is a strong word, but I’m starting to feel very strongly about her posts.
26. I sincerely hope your dad has a happy birthday but plz. He’s not the coolest/best/most amazing dad in the world. Mine is. So shut up.
27. Dominican Republic… Hawaii… Barbados?? How is she affording this shit?!
28. I wonder who pissed her off today…
29. WHAT AM I SEEING RIGHT NOW – NO! – FACEBOOK CHANGED FORMATS AGAIN. I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO THE OLD ONE.
30. It’s midnight already? Shit I’ve been on here for three hours! I told myself I wasn’t going to let this happen again…