22 Straight People Ask What They’ve Always Wanted To Know About Gay People (And 22 Gay People Answer)

Stanley Dai
Found on AskReddit.


“Lesbians who are multiple orgasmers, how do you know when to stop?”

“Honestly, we usually stop when one of us is falling asleep.”


“What does ‘queer’ mean, exactly? I always thought it just meant gay, but apparently not. Anyone who identifies as queer/knows someone who identifies as queer want to answer this?”

“It’s a catch-all term for ‘not straight.’ Some people use it as a synonym for LGBT, because it rolls off the tongue more easily. Others use it as an identity in and of itself, if they find more traditional labels too narrow.”


“How do you cope with your sexual orientation, so basically your nature, being generally frowned upon? I know we’re kinda progressing into the right direction, but I think there’s at least 50 or more years of work before general opinion changes.”

I’ve learned to stop giving a twirly fuck about what others think. It doesn’t affect them in the slightest and anyone who voices any sort of disapproval is quickly told that their approval is not required. I don’t live my life for anyone else but me.”


“So most people have a distinct accent based on what part of the country they are from. (I’m only referring to the US for this question.) Why do many (not all) gay people have the same campy accent regardless of where they are from?”

There’s a documentary on Netflix (or it used to be, anyway) called Do I Sound Gay? where they were trying to figure that out. I haven’t seen it, but if I recall correctly it’s the same reason any other accent exists: Because you associate with a small-ish group of people. Even fairly recently (and currently in some places), gay people have been ostracized to the edges of society. The typical effeminate accent developed out of these groups in conjunction with media portrayals of gay characters.”


“Why are most gay people I meet so nice? They have all the reason in the world to feel bitter over the way they’ve been treated, but 98% of the gay people I know are really sweet people, to the point where it’s as if they go out of their way to be so. Not that I’m complaining, though. Keep doing what you’re doing, LGBT folks, and congrats on all the progress you’ve made.”

I’ve wondered this myself as a gay guy and I think part of the reason is we’ve had to deal with so many issues, self-doubt, and insecurity that it’s easier for us to empathize with other people and their struggles. When you’ve gotten the shorter stick out of life you tend to just understand other people’s problems more and try to be helpful. I could be wrong, but that’s how I rationalize it. Also when people are automatically accepting and kind I feel embraced so some of my guards come down.”


“Why is ‘partner’ the preferred term for a significant other, as opposed to ‘boyfriend/girlfriend,’ etc.?”

It’s gender-neutral and less likely to trigger people who don’t want to hear about how you’re gay. Also, once you’ve been dating for a while, boy/girlfriend can get childish.”


“Why do y’all seem to like Subarus so much? I mean, they’re perfectly fine cars, but still.”

In part because Subaru has been very supportive of our community—donating to GLBT causes, funding HIV/AIDS research, etc.”


“Straight woman here, why do lesbians move in together so quickly?”

In general, women are faster than men to form emotional attachments to their partners. When two women are involved in a relationship, they both begin producing heightened amounts of the hormone oxytocin, which promotes a stronger bond/attachment. Straight women have the exact same experience, but the difference is that for gay women, it’s happening for both of us at the same time, which makes it really difficult to resist moving forward in the relationship too quickly.”


“Real question: If you’re a transgender person, and you’re attracted to the sex you once were, are you gay or straight? As in, if you’re a trans-man attracted to women, do you refer to yourself as straight?”

If you’re a transman attracted to a woman, you’re straight. Transmen are men. Transwomen are women.”


“How the hell do gay people find themselves partners? There’s relatively few gay people, how do you manage to find someone who is not only also gay, but interested in you as well? Seems like very small odds to me. Do you just keep trying until it works? I guess this is why gay bars exist…”

It’s hard to find someone who wants a serious relationship. That can be really sad and isolating. It’s relatively easy to find sex, the guy-guy thing means that there are usually always guys being…well, guys, and DTF at a moment’s notice. But that’s not the same thing as a partner…”


“Does poo get everywhere with (I assume) constant butt stuff?”

Nope, not unless you’re doing something wrong. My boyfriend will generally use a douche or something to clean up first, and you watch your diet, too (no Chipotle for bottoms). Shit happens sometimes, but rarely more than a tiny bit, and if you’re an adult you clean up and move on.”


“If a MtF transgender likes women, does that classify them as lesbian?”

They’re a woman who’s exclusively attracted to women, so yes.”


“How do you deal with being attracted to your straight friends? Is it easier to get over unrequited love when you can tell yourself that it’s not you, it’s different sexual orientation? Or is it just as painful as when it’s someone who is of your own sexual orientation, but just isn’t interested in you?”

It’s the same feeling of soul crushing unrequited love :’) you basically just have to crush those feelings down because you’ll end up heartbroken either way.”


“Towards trans people, why did you change your gender (or desire to change your gender)? I’m not too good with this stuff, but from what I understand, it all has to do with gender stereotypes, like a woman feels more masculine or a man more feminine. But why did you change your gender to match these stereotypes, instead of just being a masculine woman or a feminine man?

I just don’t get it, but clearly, it’s beyond me when people have apparently attempted suicide over this. So, enlighten me, please. I’m hoping that an answer from a trans person will make me understand easier.”

SO: let’s try a thought experiment: a baby boy is born. when they’re circumcising him, the knife slips, and most of his junk is totally wrecked.

along comes a doctor who has a great new idea: listen, he tells the parents, gender is all about how other people treat you. let’s just make his outie bits into innie bits, you call him a girl name and raise him as a girl, and you’ll have a totally rad daughter instead of a messed-up son with sad junk!

the parents want their kid to be happy, so they go with it, and they try their hardest, and the kid seems to be doing okay, and the doctor publishes a bunch of stuff talking about how his theories were totally right and this little girl proves it.

the sad thing is, this happened, and that little boy was still a little boy who grew up into a man, and it fucked him up so bad he ended up killing himself. his name was David Reimer. I told the story in a colloquial way bc I can’t remember most of the details off the top of my head, but I definitely recommend reading up on it. his case was an absolute tragedy.

so: a trans person is basically the opposite case: you get a ‘normal baby boy,’ but instead of a medical accident, something we really don’t understand scientifically yet results in that person knowing they are a girl. and everyone around her calls her a boy name and expects her to act like a boy and treats her like a boy.

transitioning isn’t about ‘changing genders’ any more than David Reimer calling himself David & living as a man was ‘changing.’ it’s about saying ‘this is my gender, and I need to feel comfortable and happy with how my body reflects that and how other people treat me.’ there are medical aspects to that transition, and social aspects, but at the end of the day none of it is done with the goal to change. it’s done to get closer to the innate internal gender that everyone feels. maybe you haven’t ever thought about how yours feels—and most people don’t, since being trans (or having a doctor conduct a really unethical experiment on you post-accident as a baby) is relatively uncommon—but if you were forced into a life where you had to live as the gender you’re not, I promise you’d have a much better understanding.

finally, “masculine” & “feminine” traits exist in literally everyone, and those concepts are to some extent mutable depending on culture/era/etc. this is a whole other thing I’m happy to dive into if you want, but I’ve rambled enough for right now—hopefully this has been helpful!”


“How do you know your sexuality? I like how both genders look, but the idea of sex with either doesn’t seem appealing. I would like to be in a relationship one day, but I’m not sure if I could.”

“I was in the same boat until a couple of years ago. I went to college and suddenly started noticing hot people. I found myself asking “Why are there so many more hot guys than hot gir—ooooooh…’”


“I’ve noticed a lot of gay men I know are very very sexual when it comes to relationships and mainly just find a lot of hookups, or if they’re starting a relationship, they won’t even wait a while before sex. I’ve always wondered if this was a defense mechanism because they’re afraid of what it’ll be like to put themselves out there emotionally?”

In my personal experience, it’s because a lot of us don’t know how to date. Straight teenagers learn in high school and figure out the whole dating process, while gay men remain closeted. As a result, discreet hookups are the norm and then when you’re an adult you keep doing that because it’s how sex/dating/hookups work for you.”


“I don’t understand why anyone decides to make sexual preference the primary way they identify themselves. I’m a heterosexual male, but I don’t broadcast that. I just am. I might say that I’m a mountain climber, a hiker, a nerd, a runner, a father, an outside sales guy, or any number of other definitions. Why is sexual identification so primary for the LGBT community—or am I being swayed only by what I see in the media?”

Not everyone does. Like, being a lesbian is so far down on the list of things that make me who I am. Don’t get me wrong—I have no problems with the label and I am certainly proud to be out, but being gay is not what defines me. Like you, I would rank a lot of other features above my sexuality in what makes me who I am. I can’t speak for anyone else in the LGBT community. For some, it simply just might be a more defining aspect of their life.”


“Less about understanding, but one of my best friends recently started hormone replacement therapy, and changing pronouns after a decade+ of friendship is tricky to do. It feels wrong at first, like you’re using the wrong word. And even beyond that, it’s a little tricky to get your brain to change tracks and use the correct language when you’re used to referring to someone in a specific way.”

Just have to keep practicing at it, friendo. Slip-ups happen and hopefully they’re understanding of the situation. If they aren’t, then I’ll thank you right now instead.”


“I’m so lost when someone says they’re cismale. Like…what? From my understanding, that means he’s identifying by the sex he was born with, right? So why not just say you’re a guy? Does this even fall into the LGBT thing? I don’t know…”

‘Cis’ is literally just a word describing someone who is not trans. You do not have to call yourself cis all the time, just like trans people don’t have to tell everybody they are trans. Man or woman is fine, or whatever you identify with. The word cis is just meant for those times when you have to be specific. Instead of saying ‘normal,’ which implies that trans people are not normal. It’s just a word to describe something, that’s it. Most people don’t consider ‘cis’ to be a slur or a bad thing (example: cis scum) but obviously, some trans people are dicks, just like some cis people are.”


“My roommate is gay, and I have a lot of gay friends/acquaintances. Gay guys are 90% of the time pretty chill. But why when I meet a lesbian girl she is anti-man to the max? Like, gay guys love girls!!! Why do gay women have to be so hateful towards me? It almost seems like they are choosing to be gay as a protest. (Not my belief, but it just seems so much extra.)”

I’m only one person and I’m bi not lesbian so I don’t know if my answer counts, but from what I’ve seen I could understand some frustration with guys. I feel as though some men don’t always respect a woman’s sexuality. Often when a guy finds out a lady is into women it’s all ‘can I watch?,’ ‘you only think you like girls because you haven’t tried my dick,’ etc. It’s frustrating not being taken seriously. Also, a lot of guys are deceptive. Tried out an all-female online dating service and the majority of the users were guys trying to get a lesbian. Went to a lesbian club last week, multiple guys were there grabbing on girls that didn’t want to be grabbed and taking pictures of the girls dancing together. It weirds me out personally and I could see why lesbians are frustrated or apprehensive around men who act like that.”


“What’s the deal with Broadway and show tunes and Barbara Streisand and all that stuff?”

Goes back to Judy Garland. One of the codes folks used to use to identify each other in casual conversation was ‘friend of Dorothy’: ‘Oh, are you a friend of Dorothy’s? Me, too! I thought I recognized you.’ It was a way of asking are you gay, because I’m gay, and I don’t want to out you, or myself, in front of all these straight people. Anyway, it sorta grew from there.”


“How can I be a better ally? I support my LGBT friends and family but am a white cis woman. There are certain issues I know I will never quite ‘get.’ How can I help? Why do some individuals get upset when that question is asked?”

IMHO, the best thing a true ally could do is to treat us as normal when at all possible. Yes, I am gay. I don’t need people in my face reminding me of it and parading me around as their token gay friend. I also happen to be into sports, and I much prefer to talk about that than my sexuality all the time. I just want friends who see me as their friend who happens to be into other guys. Fortunately, I have a lot of friends who get this, so I don’t need to waste my time with those who don’t.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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