1. Middle of sex this girl goes, ‘I can’t believe I’m cheating on my boyfriend for this.’
“One night stand in college. Middle of sex this girl goes, ‘I can’t believe I’m cheating on my boyfriend for this.’ That put a damper on things.”
2. She looks up and says ‘Have I ever told you how much you remind me of my brother?
“She’s in the middle of giving me head, pauses for a second, looks up and says ‘Have I ever told you how much you remind me of my brother?’ She proceeded to get very upset that I lost my boner.”
3. As I was climaxing, her Rottweiler licked my butthole.
“I was having sex with my ex-girlfriend on her parents kitchen counter and as I was climaxing, her Rottweiler licked my butthole. Buckets.”
4. She said, ‘Mmmm….I’ve always wanted to fuck a black dick….’ as she was on top of me. I’m a pale redhead with a red beard.
“She said, ‘Mmmm….I’ve always wanted to fuck a black dick….’ as she was on top of me.
I’m a pale redhead with a red beard.
She just apparently figured that moment was the perfectly right time to let me know she’s always wanted to have sex with a black guy.”
5. He ended up yawning during his orgasm.
“A previous partner of mine was really tired while we were doing it but wasn’t really showing it until he ended up yawning during his orgasm. Never once before did I think someone would do their best Chewbacca impression to me while ejaculating.”
6. Screamed, ‘make me a baby!’ This was gay sex.
“Screamed, ‘make me a baby!’ This was gay sex.”
7. ‘You want a taste of this pepperoni?’ No. No, I don’t.
“Old FWB liked to dirty talk (so do I ), but in one of our sessions, he kept referring to his penis as his ‘pepperoni.’
‘You want a taste of this pepperoni?’ No. No, I don’t.
Dried me up like the Sahara Desert.”
8. At the moment of mutual climax she moans out her ex’s name.
“Had to be at the moment of mutual climax she moans out her ex’s name. God, that’s a memory I wish had stayed buried.
There were tons of ‘I’m sorrys’ and ‘I feel so bads,’ etc. etc. etc. but for me it was like pulling the sword out after having not meant to run me through with it.”
9. She interrupted sex to see of the old lady she was caretaking was still alive.
“One-night stand. She just stops in the middle of the act, goes to the adjacent room naked and starts yelling “Mrs X, helloo… Are you alive? Are you breathing?”. Returns promptly and continues as if nothing happened.
Turns out, she was hired to take care of an elderly woman so she could live with her rent-free.
The old lady was found dead a day or two after that.”
10. He screamed as loud as he could into my butthole.
“My husband spread my ass cheeks…and got face real close to my butthole and just screamed. Like screamed as loud as he could. It was so violating for a second and then i died laughing.”
11. I once dated a guy who giggled when he…finished.
“I once dated a guy who giggled when he…finished. That was definitely unexpected the first time we had sex.”
12. It was like having sex with an auctioneer.
“My girlfriend is a talker. However, at one point, mid gasping orgasm, ‘I always assumed I’d have a wide variety of sexual partners but if this is what you do then I don’t see it as a high priority!’ It was like having sex with an auctioneer.”
13. She just broke down crying.
“She just broke down crying. And it wasn’t just a few tears, but a full-blown crying. I held her tight telling her if everything was alright but she still cried for the next ten minutes. This was during fairly vanilla sex and we’ve done a lot rougher BDSM stuff before so it was confusing. I asked her if she forgot her safe word: ‘No.’ Did I hurt you? ‘No.’ What made you cry? ‘I don’t know.’ It’s a mystery to this day and she can’t figure it out either.”
14. She was on top and we were having a really good time when she says, ‘I think we’re better apart.’
“She was drunk and we had just gotten back from a party. She was on top and we were having a really good time when she says, ‘I think we’re better apart.’
I completely froze and asked what she meant. She then explained why we ‘work better apart’ while riding my completely still and rapidly deflating penis.”
15. Her mom called mid-sex.
“Her mom called mid-sex. She was expecting the call because of some family issue so when the phone rang while she was riding me, she looked at the caller ID, got off me and just said ‘I have to take this, wait’ (she explained after the fact who it was and why she was expecting it, on the moment it was really unexpected for me).
The call lasted around 30 minutes and we were both sitting naked on the bed, her talking about something serious to her mom and me just awkwardly there with my now flaccid penis hidden in a cold and wet condom.
After she was done, it was clear for both of us that the mood was gone but she told me ‘you should have finished without me.’ Yeah, I would have felt really weird jerking off right next to her while she was on the phone with her mom…”
16. My tooth goes through my lip and I’m pouring blood all over us.
“I met a girl on Tinder, and we went out a few times, she was honestly amazing and I fell for her pretty hard.
The last time we saw each other, it was late, like 3 or 4AM, and we were having sex in her room. She tells me she has a fighting fetish, and asks if I’m comfortable with it. I agree and we start getting a little rough, slapping and what not.
Out of fucking no where she winds up and punches me directly in the mouth. My tooth goes through my lip and I’m pouring blood all over us.
I freak out and run into the bathroom naked and covered in blood, and run into her roommate in the hall.
They start fighting and I grab my shit and slip out. Once I get to my car she calls me saying shit like ‘I thought you could handle it’ and ‘don’t be a pussy.’
Haven’t talked to her since.
Edit: She saw this and messaged me. Fuck.”
17. She said to me, ‘Pretend like you love me.’
“My first time with her (I had known her for all of two days), she tried to finger my butt hole, bit my dick rather hard, and said to me (as we were having sex) ‘Pretend like you love me’ and ‘I just want to pretend like someone cares about me.’
Absolutely none of those things were turn-ons.”
18. She came really hard and then sharted.
“She came really hard as I did too, her vagina clenched really hard (that felt like heaven) which then pushed my penis out and she sharted.”
19. I told my girlfriend I love her dick.
“Well it was something that I did… Was having sex with my girlfriend and I had an extreme head cold I kept saying the wrong thing all day and sneezing and all that gross shit.
But during sex she kept talking about how good my dick feels, that dirty talk kind of stuff I got close to her ear and just said in the most absolute serious tone ‘I love your dick.’…She just stopped and looked at me and started bursting out laughing almost crying from how funny and serious I sounded. I sat there in disappointment of myself she just kept saying dick so the word dick came out of my mouth instead of vajayjay.
Not proud of myself.
TL;DR Told my girlfriend I love her dick.
Edit: My first majorly up voted comment thanks Reddit. And P.S. I did laugh along with her I was just dying inside as well. But it’s all good now.”
20. One of my first girlfriends screamed ‘harder daddy’ in the middle of sex once. We were both women.
“One of my first girlfriends screamed ‘harder daddy’ in the middle of sex once.
We were both women.”
21. I managed to smash her mouth off the headboard.
“When I got together with my (now ex) girlfriend we went back to hers quite drunk. In an attempt to show off my strength and sexual prowess I hoisted her up onto my face so I could eat her out and managed to smash her mouth off the headboard. Still finished tho, thank you drink.”
22. Mid-fucking, she said ‘I fucked Chris yesterday, too,’ with a huge grin.
“Mid-fucking, she said ‘I fucked Chris yesterday, too,’ with a huge grin. I don’t think I’ve ever exited a bed that fast. She forgot that it was her /previous/ bf who was ok with her fucking other men, women etc. How one forgets that you’re not with the same person, I will never know. She seemed to remember Chris from yesterday lunchtime well enough though. Epic unamused face.”
23. The most ridiculously thunderous QUEEF you could imagine lazily spat my previous cum back into my own mouth.
“Me and my ex had been going at it for a while, I was nearly ready for round two so I thought I’d buy myself some time and go down on her quickly. As soon as my face was fucking aligned with her fanny, the most ridiculously thunderous QUEEF you could imagine lazily spat my previous cum back into my own mouth, my nose and in my eyes. Was NOT in the mood for round 2.”
24. A fly, out of nowhere, swooped into my mouth.
“One time my fiancée was going down on me when a fly, out of nowhere, swooped into my mouth. I coughed loudly but didn’t want to ruin the mood. She looked up and saw… that I had coughed up the fly. There it was. On the side of my face, a dead fly covered in my saliva.
She started ‘Wait is that a fl-‘ I told her ‘No’ and pushed her head back down.
Later, I would tell her the truth, and she found it hilarious.”
25. While I was in the bathroom, he had gone to the kitchen and rubbed salmon on his dick.
“He had initiated things and I took a moment to get ready in the bathroom. He wanted to start things off with a blowjob, so I get down on my knees and pull my hair back and lean in, and it hits me. This pungent smell. I’m like ‘wtf is that?’ but I’m a trooper and I try to go for it anyway. But it reeks, it’s like the worst fish ever. Literally fish. Salmon. So I lean back and I’m like ‘I don’t know what’s going on, but something’s wrong.’ He fucking bursts out laughing and yells ‘GOT YOU!!!!’
While I was in the bathroom, he had gone to the kitchen and rubbed salmon on his dick.
I still can’t even fathom why he thought that would be a good idea.”
26. She started choking me and telling me she hates me right after telling me she loves me.
“My GF started choking me before she came and started getting angry saying ‘you fucking piece of shit, I fucking hate you.’ Immediately after she told me how much she loved me. This basically became our form of conflict resolution for about a year until it got a little out of hand…”
27. He pulled out a razor kid and wanted to do bloodletting during the middle of sex.
“I was having a one night stand with this guy from the bar. Everything was fantastic until he pulled out a razor kit and wanted to cut/do bloodletting during the middle of sex. I noped the fuck out of there.”
28. She cuts one of the smelliest farts I’ve ever experienced
“First date. She’s kinda drunk. I am going down, just chowing her box. She cuts one of the smelliest farts I’ve ever experienced. With my nose so close to her sphincter, the ‘pure vinegar’ of it went straight up. It was like smelling salts, but worse. For a minute, I thought I was going to puke in a pussy. It was tough, but I powered through. Got laid.”
29. Mid-thrust he turns to the screen and points out a continuity error on Friends.
“He and I love background noise, so we put on Friends. Something easy to ignore, or so I thought. He loves friends, can quote the show. Mid-thrust he turns to the screen and points out a continuity error. 😡”
30. I whispered the word ‘squirrel’ in her ear.
“Alright, this is what I did to my wife, so she did not expect it. Hope that’s OK, because it’s been years, and she is still a little pissed.
So, we are in the middle of things. Nothing crazy, missionary position, but having a good time. She’s about to orgasm, and it’s obvious. So, I get an idea, because I’m a special kind of asshole.
I keep going, and when I can tell she is just on the verge, I lean in like I’m going to kiss her neck, and whisper directly in her ear, ‘squirrel.’
She is immediately ‘WHAT THE FUCK?!’ and pushes me off of her. Apparently, the surprise and awkward nature of the situation completely killed her ‘progress,’ as well as her mood. No orgasm, just confused anger.
I fully admit, I laughed my ass off, and I am a horrible person for it.
I have never done it sense. She is still a little peeved.”
31. I have never gone soft quicker in my life.
“About 8 or so years back I was a party hosted by a couple of good friends of mine. The wife of the couple tells me she wants to introduce me to her sister and heavily implies that a one night stand thing is probably on the table, so I bite and chat her up. She’s pretty cool, definitely into the one night stand thing and that’s where the night heads. We are both pretty drunk in one of the spare rooms when I realize I don’t have a condom. Fuck. Her response was ‘Don’t worry I’m a good mother’ and tries to get on top and mount me. I have never gone soft quicker in my life. I went and slept on the floor in the living room while she passed out on a princess single bed in my shirt.”
32. The sex was going well and then the Ambien kicked in.
“My ex used to get very horny on Ambien. I would always take it as well. One time the sex was going well and then the Ambien kicked in and I forgot what we were doing while I was inside her and couldn’t make sense of what was going on and she started talking about Mickey Mouse and orange ice cream trucks. Needless to say things went from good to weird very quickly. After that first wild experience, we used to play a game where we both take like 5 and see how far we could get before everything fell apart. Had some interesting nights with her doing that.”
33. ‘Oh shit my wife is home.’..I’m a guy and the chick turned out to be a lesbian.
“’Oh shit my wife is home.’..I’m a guy and the chick turned out to be a lesbian….this was years ago…definitely an experience.”
34. We both immediately realized she had also lost bowel control in the peak of the experience.
“One of my exes, years ago, was on top and REALLY feeling it. Way more than usual and usual was always impressive. She started like, spasmodically wearing it out and I watched someone literally have an eye roll back and show the whites orgasm…I was like ‘I am a God’ until we both immediately realized she had also lost bowel control in the peak of the experience…
So, that was an awkward shower… there was no talking. I was ready to laugh my brains out, but if I did I knew she would cry for days. Poor thing.”
35. She takes the full water bottle and pushes it deep up my butt.
“I met up for a one night stand with a girl from Tinder; we were doing some pre-sex foreplay when she stopped completely to tell me that she likes to use strap-ons. I thought OK maybe I’d like it and why not give this thing a try, I tell her I’ve never done it before. She says I’ll need to work more up to it before we try this, so in order to see if I can handle it she takes a water bottle that was nearby and instructs me to turn around. She takes the full water bottle and pushes it deep up my butt, crunching and spreading its way up there. I will never look Aquafina the same ever again.”