Thought Catalog

25 Things You Can Do With An Erect Penis Besides Hanging A Towel On It

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Mike Dorner

1. “Walk sideways at the supermarket and knock all the soups off the shelf.”

2. “Pretend you’re flying a fighter jet.”

3. “I like to yell ‘pull the lever, Kronk!’ Then grasp it firmly and pull it like a lever.”

4. “Play a C Major scale with it on the piano. It never fails to impress company.”

5. “Bop my wife on the forehead.”

6. “Destroy a board game when it’s not going your way.”

7. “Put a variety of donuts on it then eat your way to the bottom.”

8. “I like to flip marshmallows at my face and try to catch them in my mouth. You pull the erect Penis downward, set the marshmallow on top and let it fly! Like a catapult.”

9. “Stir a jar of peanut butter.”

10. “Fold your balls over your dick and make this weird thingy.”

11. “Come up with new and fun ways to simulate the touch of a female because you’ve never experienced love before and you’re fucking close to ending your life do someone please help.”

12. “Play jousting with your friends.”

13. “I remember when I was little (think 5 years old), me and my friend would have ‘weenie fights’ where we take off our pants and swing them at each other while screaming ‘WEENIE FIGHT! WEENIE FIGHT!’ laughing the whole time. Since we were little we didn’t know the implications of any of it, so we treated it like a casual game. It’d be like nerf gun battle, video games, and if we still have time, weenie fight.”

Then my mom walked in on us during one of our weenie fights and she banned weenie fights and we were really sad.

14. “Whenever my bro runs out of toilet paper I’m always there with an erect penis and a fresh roll on my dong.”

15. “You can hang pretty things from it. Like jewelry and Christmas tree ornaments. Just make sure to say no homo. Unless you’re gay, in which case go nuts.”

16. “Put a condom on it, dip it different colors, and tap it lightly on a piece of canvas, Boom Dick Art.”

17. “You can use it to write on a foggy shower door.”

18. “Warming cold hands.”

19. “I like to cup my hand under my balls and use a repeated upward motion to slap my erection on my stomach several times in a row. It makes a satisfyingly helicopter-esque sound.”

20. “Brush my teeth. Every time it swings side to side in just the funniest way.”

21. “Glow in the dark condoms, lightsaber fights!”

22. “My ex once had one if those coosh ball things, and she out it over the head of my dick. It looked like a palm tree or something, just without the bark. We both laughed out asses off about that.”

23. “I open the head and pretend it is talking to my gf. She finds it hilarious.”

24. “Put a tissue on it and pretend it’s a ghost.”

25. “Don’t know what time it is? Just lay down face up on the ground and use your dick as a sundial.” TC mark

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