This Is Me Choosing Myself Over Your Almost Love

woman standing in park
God & Man

This is me choosing myself over you.

I decided that I am done. After months of your misleading actions and mixed signals, I realized I no longer want to partake in this game that I am doomed to lose. I realized that I have fallen in love with you during those stolen moments we spent together when you fooled me into thinking we were something more. I realized that as much as I wanted to believe that you liked me, the truth is you don’t.

I thought you liked me because friends don’t text each other every single day. Friends don’t look at each other the way I caught you looking at me countless times. Friends don’t behave the way you do, holding me so intimately and kissing me senseless. Friends don’t sleep next to each other and pretend nothing happen the next day.

I would have respected you more if you could have been clearer with me. If you want to be just platonic friends, don’t act as if you’re my boyfriend. If you’re not ready to be with me, then you shouldn’t do confusing actions that give me false hope. If you’re unable to reciprocate my feelings, then please let me go instead of stringing me along for so long.

This is me knowing what I want in love and realizing that I should never have to settle for someone who isn’t certain about me.

I want someone who never keeps me guessing about his intentions and imagining the person he is. I want someone who goes beyond the superficial level and reveals his deepest thoughts. I want someone who gives me consistency, 100 percent effort, and nothing but his absolute best. I want someone who isn’t afraid to show that he cares for me and willingly shares his life with me. I want someone to choose me to be his girlfriend because I’m the only one he wants. I want someone who holds my hand reassuringly and introduces me to his family and friends proudly. I want someone who accepts me wholeheartedly without judgment and condition because true love is supposed to conquer all. I want to be taken away by his intensity and the magnitude of his love, and I will love him back with nothing less.

I want someone who is not you.

This is me deciding to stop playing your game because I am worth more than this almost relationship that we’re entangled in.

When I love, I love passionately and don’t hold myself back. I’m not afraid to show you how much you mean to me and if that causes you to run away then so be it. Because I’m at this stage when I’m ready to settle down with someone I love. I want labels and I want to know the exact direction we’re going. I want familiarity and comfort and I want to find a home in someone. I want a best friend, a partner, and a companion who accepts and loves me for the person I am. I want a love that is certain, enduring, and that never stops trying for me.

This is me knowing that you almost loved me and it’s not enough for me. It will never be enough for me.

I’m not sorry that you’re not the person for me. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to realize this. TC mark

Liane White

Liane is a 20-something girl living in sunny Singapore. She writes about falling in love, falling out of love, and everything in-between.

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