I spent a big part of my life trying to forget you.
Wanting to move on from you. To heal my broken heart. To truly let you go. To put you in the past. To forgive and forget about all the ways you did me wrong. To release all the bitterness and resentment that you left me with.
It seems that all I did was try. I tried pretending that you didn’t exist. Tried to hate you out of my system. Tried to meditate away the chaos you brought to my mind. Tried to forgive how you ruined my life.
And trust me, I know all about moving on and healing.
When it comes to letting go, it is second nature to me. I have honestly never see any point in continuing a relationship that is beyond saving. I have been too realistic when I should have been emotional. I never feel that there is a need to miss someone who is toxic to my well being. I usually won’t feel depressed for a long period of time.
Because I always bounce back. I always manage to find a silver lining in the most trying days. Despite how difficult my current reality is, I always believe that there will be better days ahead. That as long as I never lose hope and my drive to continue living, I will be okay.
However, when it comes to dealing with the loss you left me with, I simply cannot find any positivity in losing you. I just cannot let go of the fact that you get to live out the rest of your life happily after the way you treated me. I struggle to pick up the pieces of my life and heal the wreckage of what is left of it.
No matter what I do, it seems that you are a step ahead of me. You have moved on effortlessly from me and forgotten cleanly about me. You have found the love of your life straight away after you ended things with me. You have continued on with your life better than ever without me by your side.
And that makes me feel worse.
I know healing is not a competition but I cannot help but compare how vastly our lives are. I cannot help feeling stung by unfairness and wondering why this is happening to me. I cannot help but miss you more as each day passes me by.
But slowly, I am starting to learn that healing is a continuous stage. There is no sense in trying to rush it or compare my own process to someone else. There is no point in harping over the past and obsessing over finding closure. There is no need to be preoccupied with wanting to forget.
I may think I’m over you yet out of the blue, I hear an old favorite song and get reminded of you. I may have moved on yet seeing you with another person unsettled me. I may miss you at times yet I know for a fact that I’m better off without you.
That doesn’t mean I want to relive the past and go back to you. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be okay by myself. It may simply mean that I’m only human and that I need more time to heal.
Maybe I don’t have to forget about you. Maybe all I need to do is to continue on in spite of you. And as far as I’m concerned, I know I have come a long way since then. I’m slowly healing and I know I’m going to be okay.