I Wish I Could Have Been Enough For You

girl alone
Diogo Sousa

I was enough for a while. I don’t know what made me enough, but you had made your decision. And then all at once, I wasn’t. I wasn’t enough for you. I wasn’t enough for your heart.

I wish I could have been enough for you. Was I too sensitive? Was I too much? Did I make you feel small? Was I too opinionated? Was I too loud for you? Or was I too big to fit inside your tiny heart?

The thing is, I was enough. I am enough. I always was. Maybe you just couldn’t open up all the way to me. Maybe you were blind to my brightness. Blind to my light and deaf to my music.

The hard part is all the questions I still have in my mind. The hard part is dissecting at what point you decided that you needed something more. Something different. The hard part is always wondering why why why.

Why?

You said it wasn’t me. That it was just you and your mind wanting to explore. Wanting to search for someone new. Wanting new lips to kiss. New bodies to lay next to. New hands to hold. You said it wasn’t me. But I’m still here wondering, what the heck I did to make you run.

I’m still here writing about what or why or when. I’m still here not sleeping, my brain constantly on overdrive.  What the hell did I do wrong? You said you loved me. So why was that not enough? Why was my heart not beautiful enough for you?

I could’ve given you the world. I could have given you my heart. I could have given you a better life. A life that wasn’t lonely or dark or scary. I could have held you when life got to be too much. I could have been your shelter. Your safe haven.

I could have been your home.

But all you did was turn away. All you did was step in and out, over and over again. All you did was ignore my questions and ignore my heart that was so close to being yours.

All you did was run from the one thing that could have been your forever.

I know I’m enough. I know my worth. I know that I deserved someone who actually wanted me. Who actually wanted to give me what I wanted to give them. I know what I deserved. I know what I could have had.

Instead I chose you.

And still. I was never enough. I was never enough for you.

And I can’t stop asking myself….why? TC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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