1. Someone punched me… in the neck. I’m in a very specific type of Fight Club. The first rule is “we punch people in the neck.” The second rule is “we can’t talk about it.” Shit, we should really switch those rules around.
3. Yes, it is a hickey, but I just got it to protest the way hickeys are treated. It’s less of a hickey and more of a “politicky.” Um hello, it’s called visibility. Don’t be an ass.
4. It’s not a hickey, it’s a tattoo… of a hickey.
5. It’s a wayafterbirthmark.
6. It just means my neck is cold in that one spot. My body is the basis for Freaky Freezies.
7. The snake that lives in my ceiling bit me. He bit me in the leg after he fell out of the ceiling onto the floor. Then I tried to hit him with my desk lamp, but I missed and hit my roommate who was playing with a baby doll at the time. I know, don’t ask. My roommate was furious and brandished the baby doll at me, as a weapon. Holding the baby doll by her head, he harnessed all of his anger—both from being hit with a lamp AND from being disturbed during his baby doll playtime—into one giant swing at me. He missed me because he has terrible aim, but I tripped on a small orange (NOT A CLEMENTINE! THOSE ARE OUT OF SEASON) from the bowl I knocked over earlier in the day, but refused to pick up at the time. Then I fell on the floor. I hit my neck on the snake on the way down.
8. It’s not a hickey; I spilled wine on myself doing wine shots. Oh no, wine shots are DEFINITELY a real thing. Ask literally anyone who has done too many wine shots and ended up with a hickey. Wait, no!
9. It’s viral marketing for that new Twilight book/movie/television series/Broadway musical/video game/theme park ride/screensaver/feminine hygiene line.
10. It’s viral marketing for that new virus. It’s pretty benign aside from a lot of embarrassing neck bruising.
11. It’s not a hickey; it’s the new iPhone. Oh, you don’t believe me? You are so behind on the hottest phone news. What kind of iPhone do you even have, a 4? My brain can now do everything the iPhone 5 can do, but it does it just by pressing this button on my neck. Yes, I KNOW it’s amazing. Yes, Google Maps is still fucked up.
12. There is nothing on my neck. Here is my good friend, Dick Cheney, to explain to you how there is nothing on my neck. You can take his word for it. And if you don’t, don’t blame me if he shoots you in the face.
13. Is this a hickey? What? Wait, hold on I think you have something on your eye. Was someone sucking on your cornea? Did you get a hickey on your eye? Oh yes, I think you did! Yeah, “eye hickey,” that’s your new nickname, Eye Hickey.
14. Yes, it is a hickey and it’s from your mom. “So tell your gay mom I said ‘thanks’.” Oh, you’re mom IS actually gay? Oh, sorry, well I mean not “sorry.” I mean great. I mean I’m gay too. I mean, I have to go my car’s on fire! Oh, your mom is a firewoman? Ugh, yes, fine it’s a hickey.
15. It’s a stamp from this really amazing club I went to last night. You probably haven’t heard about it. It’s very cool. It’s the back of an abandoned warehouse museum in the Abandon Warehouse District of Brooklyn. Candace Cameron performs guest sets there all the time as D.J. D.J. Tanner.
16. It’s probably just newsprint. You might not have heard, but I’ve started an artisanal newspaper-making business. I write all the columns myself, cite sources, investigate actual news items, you know? Like people used to do. They are for sale at Whole Foods for $500 an issue.
17. It’s a bruise from my neckball league. Yeah, I play recreational neckball. You’ve haven’t heard of neckball? Oh that’s right, you’ve never been to Europe. Well, neckball is kind of like a mix between what YOU would call “soccer” and cricket. And chess. But with your neck.
18. Yes, it’s a hickey, but it’s actually covering up an even more embarrassing hickey, so there.
19. What hickey? I don’t even HAVE a neck. This is artificial. Thanks for bringing that up though, dick.
20. Stop trying to ask me about my sex life! Who do you think you are, my mom? Jeez, do the other medical professionals at this OBGYN practice call you “Dr. Nosey?” Because they should!