Yoga. You successfully avoid it for years: it’s not a real workout, yogis act morally superior in their lack-of-judgment-on-all-things (just say something bitchy already!) and you’re not skinny enough anyway. Green juice is for assholes, nobody can possibly really be that chill, and yoga pants are HOW MUCH?!
But then, the bug strikes and you’re hooked. A whole new world opens, and you’re powerless to its charms. The scariest thing? You wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re a committed #YogaWanker, now.
1. Poop. Your poop is so good.
Nothing holds a person back from enjoying day-to-day life than a whack digestive tract. Real talk. The most miserable, sluggish, resistant-to-life people are FOR SURE the ones not taking a regular dump. Productive poopers are productive people! Yoga stimulates the digestive tract through internal massage to the organs, and oh baby it feels so good. Now you’re not literally carrying around shit, you don’t metaphorically carry around shit. It’s a revelation.
2. But… Poop needs to be scheduled
That second cup of coffee you had right before class? That was a mistake. And it’s a mistake you’ll make more than once. A well-timed poop is an art, and you’ll get there. You will. Oh God, you spend so much time thinking about, discussing, and planning your poop now. Your real life friends just do not understand. And that’s why you’ve got:
3. Yoga Buddies a.k.a.The Life Force
Friends from yoga do not judge when you accidentally say in conversation: I just really need to focus on my energy realignment today, you know? They’re the first ones to follow up on your poop schedule, and the quickest to high-five you when you finally open up your hips wide enough to do a full leg stretch in bird of paradise. They have time for days to dissect the emotional journey a great plough pose can take you on, and never judge you for the $100 you just spent on getting your birth chart read by the instructor you just gets you. Also, there’s always the yoga buddy just’s that little bit more #YogaWanker than you are, thus proving to the regular, non-yogic world that you’re not that bad. Not compared to Sara.
4. Workout clothes are hot
When you yoga, it becomes a ~lifestyle~ and in that lifestyle, there are patterned full-length cotton leggings that make your ass look better than any Spanx, and cute spaghetti-strapped sports bras that peak out just right from off-the-shoulder t-shirts and man-sized tank tops that beautifully skim your curves. Other clothes can cease to exist now, thanks, because yoga gear just feels good. Sexy. You’re good to throw up a messy bun and do nothing but fill out your eyebrows a little til the end of all time – it takes five minutes to get ready, now, and somehow you look better than when you try to get fancy. Go figure.
5. THE SEX.
Okay, so yes: yoga can make you more flexible. That’s a given, and a lot of fun to play with. But beyond that: yoga makes us wet. Women, the Journal of Sexual Medicine reports that chicks who practice yoga tend to get enhanced lubrication, with a more powerful orgasm because of our strengthened pelvic floor, too. WHY DON’T THEY PUT THIS ON THE FLYERS???
6. Your definition of sexy changes
Did you see the way the sweat ran down his back in reverse warrior? Holy shit. Yoga isn’t about the most Instagram-able poses and fastest movement: the best yogi is the one who has mastered their breath. Yoga becomes about control and intention – purposeful, deliberate movement. When you’re beside the guy or girl absolutely devoted to their practice, breathing in unison with the teacher’s instruction and really focused on not only reaching the pose, but everything leading up to the pose? You know you’re onto somebody who’s figured out foreplay. That’s basically what yoga is: intentional, slow, measured warm-up that climaxes in a pose. Find the one who demonstrates that and you’ve got the one who will not only fuck, but use their body and their mind to seduce you. Oh mama.
7. You become a total #YogaWanker, but are absolutely okay with that
What happens on the mat impacts your whole life: you adopt Ujjayi breath in moments of pressure or anxiety, meditate on your daily intention before you even get out of bed in the morning, and find yourself saying things like, it’s just like figuring out tripod headstand, you know? at brunch with friends. The deeper you get into your practice, the more of your boy drama and work woe starts to slip away, because baby: none of it matters. Your trust yourself, now.
8. You sweat from places you never knew it was possible to sweat from
Was that… did the bead of sweat actually just come from your armpit crease? Wait. Can knees sweat too? Don’t even get started on the ass-crack sweat.
9. You live to fall on your face
In yoga, you can’t slither into Scorpion pose without first collapsing onto your face about 3,000 times. Falling over means you’re trying, and the sound of you thudding onto your mat is the sound of you living your best life. That makes you braver, and off the mat, too: suddenly, you’re not as afraid of yourself anymore. If you fall over, you’ll just pick yourself back up. As in yoga, as in life.
10. You’re zen as fuck
Yoga activates the parasympathetic nervous system, causing a deep relaxation. Yoga reduces levels of cortisol, too – the stress hormone. Most of us have too much cortisol in our system, and this can cause high blood pressure, low immunity, heighten inflammation and decrease muscle tissue. You don’t have to worry about any of that anymore, though, because you’re zen as fuck and it feels so good. So good, that…
11. You want to get certified
It gets to a point – three days or three weeks or three years in – where that’s it. You’re moving to Bali to get your 200-hour teaching training certificate. You can’t not. You have to spread the yogic word, you guys. This is like, your purpose. Yoga could save the world. Namaste.