7 Ways To Avoid Going Out Without Pissing Off Your Friends
1. Make Sure Your Excuse Isn’t Too Complicated
The biggest downfall of contemporary excuse-making is that we’ve become comically elaborate. I.e., when we can’t go somewhere in 2013, it’s generally because we have to pick up our great aunt from the train station that’s 5 hours away, which is something we only have to do because the cousin that usually does this just got swallowed by his pet sea lion.
Rule number one, never put more than 3 things in your excuse. Rule number two, picking up an obscure relative at a train station or airport has only happened approximately 3 times in human history.
2. Treat The Big Excuses Like Fats, Oils, And Sweets
If you rarely cancel plans due to sickness, the fact that you “came down with a stomach bug and are really #struggling” is significantly more believable. The go-to’s are best when used sparingly.
3. Lay The Groundwork Well In Advance
Next time you’re out with someone, spend the majority of your allotted conversational time discussing how you’ve embraced being a misanthrope. Make sure to go full Larry David–this will ensure that your dickishness doesn’t merely apply to this situation, but to all social situations.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgCWB-O0pL0&w=584&h=390]
Most conveniently, this will enable you to build a personal brand predicated on not responding to texts. This day and age, there are few things more valuable.
4. Bluff Hard
“I’d love to come to dinner, but I promised I’d meet up with a group of people that I know you hate. Want to come to this fictional dinner, that I created solely to avoid having to go to dinner with you? Of course you don’t.”
Note: This is very difficult to execute if you have a habit of instagramming your food. Poetic justice in action.
5. Be Temporarily Incoherent
There’s a part in Catcher In The Rye where Holden “16 Phoniest Things About Being 16” Caulfield convinces an apartment doorman into letting him go straight upstairs because he has a weird condition with his leg and blah blah blah. Says Holden, “All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.”
Translation: Respond to a text with like 40 typos. They’ll think you’re drunk, and since it’s 6pm you’re off scot-free.
6. Suddenly Get Really Into Something That They Think They’re Awesome For Knowing About
Conversation is a weapon that goes both ways. If a friend wastes 45 minutes of your time by talking about how awesome r/pajamasthatareactuallytattoos is, store that info in the vault and use it for a rainy day.
Next time he invites you to go to a bar all the way across town, you’ve got a built-in, completely rebuttal-proof excuse. Practically liberating.
7. Find Them A Significant Other
If you’re looking for something more permanent, by far the best solution. Not only will they never want to hang out with you, but they’ll become a significantly worse friend now that they’re locked down. When it comes to permanent leverage, there is really nothing better. 
