I’ve spent a good portion of the past 18 months standing in overcrowded rooms, observing the various ways us guys fail to lock down girls. Here are a few of the wondrous eligible bachelors you’ll meet as a young professional:
1. The Mathematician
With enough notches under his belt to maintain a truly impressive level of sexual detachment and emotional disengagement, the mathematician approaches hooking up as a purely pragmatic activity. He believes monogamy is unsustainable, and has considered expounding upon his formulaic hookup approach by way of an e-book.
While the mathematician will ultimately surrender to undying love and devotion in a fashion that will inevitably be described as “laughably romcom-esque,” his current Condometrics phase will take at least a decade to outgrow.
2. The Cynical Bookworm
An aspiring Ray from Girls-type, the cynical bookworm is way too into being complicated to be capable of a reciprocal relationship.
In reality, this 25 year-old denouncer of “real jobs” is basically the same thing as a 14 year-old who worships mid 2000’s punk–something made clear via his innermost thoughts, which I have republished below:
Nobody gets me! Angst! I act like I’m too good for girls, because the truth is way too scary!
3. Larry “The Lifestyle” Long Island Iced Tea
The My New Haircut Guy, adjusted for 2013. A lot of selfies, unintentionally hilarious hashtags, and a remarkable lack of self-awareness.
At this stage of life, he wants nothing more but to ball out with his boyz. Grind all week, get after it all weekend. No time to settle down, especially with that “fuhcken uuuge” trip to AC coming up.
4. Barry Balsamic
#Postgradlife has hit Barry hard–his job is nothing more than a salaried time drain, his social life has taken a big hit, and it’s all culminated in a perpetual, seemingly endless rut.
After reading some article at the internet that manipulated his emotions rather than actually making an argument, Barry decided it was time to take life back. He’s gone on a self-improvement tear ever since; between spending entire evenings at the gym, watching TED Talks, and eating things exclusively made of balsamic dressing, Barry has regained control of his life. Now, if he could only lock down that girl…
5. Apprehensive Abe
He recently broke up with a long-time girlfriend, and, even if he’s ready to finally get back in the game he doesn’t exactly know how. Think Jason Segel’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
6. Jeremy The Joker
Jeremy is very funny–too funny, actually. Every conversation is an opportunity to wow the world with his unbridled comedic flair. Enthralling initially, but keeping up becomes way too exhausting way too quickly.
Of course, Jeremy’s biggest pitfall isn’t that he’s too funny. It’s that he can’t get out of his own way.
7. Mr. Unapproachable
There’s been this thing going around saying that Bar Rafaeli can’t get a date. The story seems to have been blown out of proportion by the trusty group of 9 year-olds playing telephone that we call the media, but the “story” brings up an interesting point–when people are too above the norm, are they just as prone to difficulties in the dating game?
Mr. Unapproachable isn’t too attractive; rather, he’s so nice and pure-hearted that he’s simply too intimidating to date. There’s also a good chance that when you really get to know him, he’s obnoxiously boring.
8. The Online Dating Bro
This is the guy who’s a little insecure about “settling” for online dating, so therefore qualifies his recent foray by telling his boys that online dating makes it really easy to get laid.
He will follow through on his promise, but will end up falling for a girl that ultimately doesn’t want him. My how the tables have turned.
9. Drugs McGhee
Drugs McGhee does drugs. He would date you, but he cares more about doing drugs than doing boyfriend things. Unless those boyfriend things involve doing drugs. Drugs.
10. Self-Discovery Simon
He’s adamant about the fact that now is his time, and in the words of a song written by Jason DeRulo and/or the people who write Jason DeRulo songs, he really needs to just do him right now.
In other words, he used to be awesome until he turned into a douche.
11. Guy Who Ruins His Chances With His Brutal Social Media Game
The greatest mystery of all. Seemingly normal, until you realize his internet persona embodies everything you despise about what life in 2013 has turned into. What is going on in this guy’s head?
12. The Fish Out Of Water
He’s not from here. Meaning that he’s at once endearing, but his lack of being “in the know” re: essential shit makes him wholly undateable.
This might make you a terrible person, but whatever.
13. Guy Who Can’t Get Over The Fact That College Is Over
There is a girl version of this, and both of them are wonderfully summed up via the twitter account/now website PostGradProblems.
Sometimes, these two find love in a Keystone-less place. Usually, that place is a music festival. Or more specifically, the ride home from the music festival, in which both parties get nauseatingly nostalgic about statements like I’m definitely not going to class tomorrow, or last year it rained during crawfish broil…hopefully it won’t this year.
14. First-Move Scaredy Cat
On paper, he is everything you want, everything you need, everything inside of you that you wish you could be. But in practice, he’s that guy posted up against the bar wall with his friend who’s in a relationship. What a waste.