Okay, you know those cheesy sayings, “Oh, just be yourself,” or like “Stop looking for love, It will find you when you least expect it!”? Forget about them. We live in the real world. This is not how it works. Maybe in some fantasy land, the man or woman of your dreams will appear when you least expect it, but in the real world when we are programmed to procreate, we can’t just sit here and wait. So I will show you how to get someone to like you from my 21 years of living and observing.
1. The first step is you gotta look the part.
Come on, no one sits on a bench and people watch and think “Damn, that girl must have a great personality!”
So if you want the goods, you gotta look like you want it. This by all means does not mean show skin, wear form fitting clothes, and slut up your life, but you do need to fix your hair, have clear skin, and wear clothes that compliment your looks. Come on men, shave if you need to and women, put on that floral dress once in a while instead of dressing like you just came back from a funeral or just rolled out of bed.
2. You have to have good hygiene
Please, brush your teeth. Shower. Wash your face. Poop daily. Just you know. I mean I tell people all the time I haven’t showered today, to lighten the mood, but honestly, I’ve really only gotten disgusted looks. But if you think about it, it’s basically like saying “Would you rather date an ogre that lives in a swamp or a nicely groomed race horse who lives in a well maintained stable?” I know that Shrek got some and ended up getting married and there are a whole bunch of exceptions but not everyone can be Shrek.
3. You have to be friendly and nice
Fake it till you make it. You have to. It’s the only way. You have to be nice to everyone. You have to show empathy, compassion, be open minded, and you absolutely under no circumstances can you judge. For example, if someone asks you for $10 and you don’t have it, say you don’t have it but offer up the $2 that you have. Absolutely do not lie and make an empty offer like I do sometimes. Lying breaks trusts and once trust is broken, it’s broken. You can’t just go to the store and pick up another trust because the world does not work that way, just like you can not go to the store and just buy a friend.
4. You have to be open…
…to sex and anything else associated with it. I know this is a taboo topic but in this world where premarital sex just seems like the it thing, but it is programmed in our system to procreate. You need to be open to other things too like the other person’s views and desires and hopes and dreams but this is the it thing. If you’re still innocent, please stay innocent. Please never do anything unless you are ready. And believe me, you will know when you are.
5. You need to be well versed in conversation
Okay, now is the tricky part. What to talk about. Do not, under no circumstances, share too much or any gruesome details. You can share them later once you get to know the person, but you can’t just start the conversation like “Yo today I took a dump and it was nasty as hell and we had no Febreze so I just left it”. It’s okay. I learned that the hard way too.
But you also can not be like “Yo I did nothing today”. There needs to be a medium, a middle. Something like “Hi, how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun? I went to the beach” would be appropriate.
6. Do not sleep with everyone to get them to like you
They will not like you. People like to gossip and gossip is bad.
7. You need to answer your phone
If they text or call you, don’t purposely wait two hours to answer. Answer as soon as you see it. It signifies that you care enough to answer. Come on. In this technological world we live in, nearly everyone has a phone they carry around 24/7. My 90 year old grandpa has an iphone 5. He checks it hourly and responds in a timely manner. You can too.
8. And lastly, you have to keep it going
Yes, you were faking it until you made it in the beginning but after a while, it needs to be routine. You need to develop genuine feelings and care for the person. If you do not after you tried all the steps, please leave. Please do not hang on to the relationship hoping it will work. It will not work. Please don’t hold on and then go commit infidelity. It will not work and the person will find out. You should enjoy spending time with the person and never try to change them. If you are upset and it is not working , please just say it and leave. Hurt feelings can heal with time, but the time you spend with someone, you can not just take it back.
So there you have it.
Now let’s all go find someone and get them to like us back because chronic singleness is seriously the worst illness I have ever suffered.