Sweet Girl, You Are Whole Without Him


Maybe he broke your heart, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he wanted you, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he’s still yours, maybe he’s long gone. Maybe he was jerk, maybe he is the greatest guy you’ve ever met. Maybe you’re married, maybe you’re single. Maybe you’re in the healthiest relationship you’ve ever been in, or maybe you’ve never been more confused in your life.

The situation doesn’t matter. Your heart could be full or broken, steady or shaken. Pieced back together, or shattered all across the memories of him you’ve been forced to leave behind. No matter what happened to you then, no matter what’s happening to you now. No matter how happy or how sad you are, or how confident or how lost you feel – you are whole without him. You are a being all on your own, a light, a presence, an existence. You are a strong soul, no matter how broken you may feel. You are you, completely, regardless of where he fits or used to fit into your life. You are a combination of all the lessons you’ve learned, all the feelings you’ve felt, all the choices you’ve made, all the things you’ve said, all of the battles you’ve fought, all the love you’ve given and received.

And being with him, or not being with him, will never take any of that away from you.

You are whole without him, you are person outside of his existence. You always have been and you always will be. Maybe it doesn’t always feel that way. Maybe sometimes you feel like you’ve lost yourself because of him, or you’ve lost yourself within him. But you haven’t. You’re always there, you’re always you. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to pull yourself out, especially if you’ve been shattered before. The instinct can be to hide, to close in on yourself in order to survive. To allow yourself to camouflage into your surroundings, in order to protect your heart – even if you’re with someone who you know will take care of it. But regardless of how far away your true self feels to you, you’re always there, somewhere. You just have to remember to look, to remember you are whole and that you can find yourself on your own.

Knowing that you are whole – and that you are whole without him – doesn’t make you hard, or callous, or too rough around the edges. It doesn’t make you a man-hater, a bitch, a cold-hearted ice queen. It doesn’t mean you view all men as evil and wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re stubborn or trying to prove anything. There is nothing here to apologize for. There is nothing weird about wanting to be, and believing that you are, a full and complete person outside of him. He can or could have been part of you – part of the things you’ve felt and experienced and learned. It doesn’t invalidate who he was or who he still is to you. It just means that even without him, still, there is so much to you. That outside of your relationship with him or your breakup with him or whatever else he is to you, that you are still your own person, your own self – with a history, a point of view, a set of beliefs and a set of values, things you want, goals for the future, things you’ve accomplished and things you’ve failed at, people you love and people who love you.

You are your own protagonist, not a supporting character in someone else’s story.

Some people might make you feel weird, for being so self-assured. They might accuse you of just being angry, bitter, scorned. But figuring out, or wanting to figure out, who you are outside of another person does not make you hate-filled or resentful. If your heart was broken, then sure, you’re probably holding onto some anger and sadness. But overall, making the choice to get to know yourself really has nothing to do with him. It could mean that you’re working through some pain, but it’s just as normal to be in a happy, healthy relationship and still have a strong desire to solidify who you are outside of him.

It is not about hate, resentment, revenge. It’s not about him at all. It’s about the empowerment of you, the joy of getting to know yourself, the wonder of setting yourself free – and discovering that, in the process, all it does it make your heart even bigger, and even more open to love. You’re out there, somewhere, you just have to look. Do it for you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Kim Quindlen

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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