1. When my boss said we should touch base tomorrow did she literally mean “let’s touch base” or did she mean “I’m going to list everything you’ve done wrong at this company since you’ve been here and then I’m going to fire you in front of everyone”?
2. What if the apocalypse is really upon us and I end up like a character in one of those young adult dystopian novels?
3. Alright, I need to put my laptop away and go to bed. *closes laptop, grabs phone, and questions the stupidity of every text message sent within the last four months*
4. What if I have a disease right now but the symptoms just haven’t manifested themselves yet?
5. My best friend used a period instead of an exclamation point in the text they sent me yesterday so I’m assuming they’re mad at me.
6. I still can’t believe that embarrassing thing I said to the check-out person at Kroger three years ago.
7. I wonder how the producers would try to portray me if I ever made it onto The Bachelor. Probably the person who gets too drunk in the first episode and goes home.
8. Why did I agree to go to happy hour tomorrow night with my office buddy? He’s gonna figure out that I’m actually super boring.
9. What if every single person I’ve ever known or loved in my life secretly hates me?
10. *checks clock* Even if I fall asleep right now I’ll only get five hours and forty-two minutes of sleep.
11. *checks clock six minutes later* Now I’m down to five hours and thirty-six minutes. Sleeping tonight is probably pointless.
12. Remember that time I was texting my friend and complaining about my coworker but then I accidentally sent the text to my coworker? Let’s reflect on that ordeal and how awkward it was for the next forty minutes instead of sleeping.
13. I wonder if someone at Snapchat headquarters has a copy of every horrible, embarrassing Snap I’ve sent in my life.
14. Did I sound genuine enough in the Christmas gift thank-you card I sent to my aunt last year?
15. There’s probably a group of people sitting in a dark corner of a bar right now, laughing together at my online dating profile.
16. Let’s make a to-do list right now of all the things I need to get done in the next fourteen months.
17. I really don’t go to the dentist nearly as often as I should.
18. Who won the fourth season of American Idol?
19. Let’s try meditating to calm my mind. Focus…. focus… focus… Justin Bieber’s album was surprisingly good has anyone ever thrown me a surprise party I wonder if I’m a boring person to talk to at parties when was the last time I Swiffered my apartment do I have any outstanding medical bills what if my identity gets stolen whatever happened to Dashboard Confessional?
20. Remember that time I posted something that only got three likes so I took it down? SO EMBARRASSING.
21. Do people think I’m trash because I don’t have a Spotify Premium account?
22. When my coworker signs off her emails to me with “Have a great weekend!” is she really just trying to tell me that she hates me?
23. What if I’ve accidentally done my taxes wrong for the past three years and I have to go to jail?