18 Things That Happen When Your Life Is Both Successful And A Total Clusterf*ck At The Same Time


1. You have a decent job, and you’re good at it. You work hard every day, and you always feel a sense of accomplishment when you leave the office.

2. But in addition to your sense of accomplishment, you also leave the office with a coffee stain somewhere on your outfit, papers spilling out of your bag, a phone that’s at 3% because you left your charger at home, and your coworker shouting at you because you left your ID badge on your desk again.

3. You’ve mastered the art of showing up to work looking put-together, but it’s only because you usually skip breakfast, you own dry shampoo, you put your clothes on while you’re still half-wet from a shower, and traffic has been on your side lately.

4. Your wardrobe would have a fighting chance, if half the crucial pieces weren’t missing at all times – under the bed, in a bag you still haven’t unpacked, in the dryer from when you did laundry two days ago, at your friend’s house, etc.

5. Even though you arrive to most places on time, you’re usually sweating profusely. This is because you’re always moving at a hundred miles an hour to make up for the fact that you always leave 10 minutes later than you should have.

6. You love doing your grocery shopping every Sunday and planning out all your meals for the week. But by the time you get home you’re usually tired, and half the time you end up ordering food for delivery and postponing your cooking until Monday.

7. Most of the time, you’re a highly productive person. But sometimes being highly productive means watching an entire season of a new Netflix release in a single weekend. In your eyes, this is a professional move because it gives you something to talk about at work on Monday.

8. People have told you before that your life isn’t real, and you’re pretty sure it has never been a compliment.

9. You’re great at taking time to yourself when you need to, and turning down a night out with your friends when you know you have a lot of stuff to get done. The only problem is that you never actually end up doing the stuff you planned to do. You’re usually so proud of yourself for staying in that you forget there was actually a reason for doing so in the first place.

10. You set really ridiculous, impossible goals for yourself. Which is why your desk tends to be piled up at all times with fifteen books that you’re half-reading simultaneously.

11. You love having a clean living space, but usually you can only give 50% of yourself to this noble cause. So if your kitchen and family room are spotless, your room is probably destroyed. And if your room is spick and span, your kitchen and living area could probably be classified as one big hazard zone.

12. On more than one occasion, a friend has texted or g-chatted you that they’re “bored” and that they’re contacting you because they know you can entertain them with a story of something embarrassing that’s happened to you recently.

13. Regardless of how well you pack your suitcase, you have at least one trip a year in which you forget to bring underwear. Or deodorant. Or everything.

14. Whenever you’re out with friends and someone needs something – ibuprofen, gum, deodorant, chapstick, tissues, whatever – you’re always the one that has it. But only because your bag is a black hole where convenience store items go to die.

15. You’re very diligent about saving coupons and awesome retail offers.

16. …But you never have them on you when you actually go to buy something at the store.

17. You have tons of Spotify playlists that you’ve curated for pretty much every single mood you could ever be in. But each playlist only has like five songs on it because you always get impatient and excited and end up moving onto the next one before you’re done.

18. You wish there was a word to sum up your existence of being consistently disheveled and levelheaded at the same time. “Hot mess” is the only phrase that has ever come close. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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