1. Go to your local drugstore after work and buy a bottle of wine. Pick one that says “I have twelve dollars in my checking account.” Think Sutter Home or Barefoot.
2. Place it confidently on the checkout counter. Then bend down and grab a chocolate bar. Act as if the thought of buying it just occurred to you and you rarely treat yourself to sweets. Hand it to the cashier and say “Why not?” with a fake laugh. Do not tell the cashier that this has been part of your plan since before you entered the store. She knows.
3. Go home and open the bottle of wine immediately. It shouldn’t take that long, because you can only afford one with a twist-off cap.
4. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Stare at it and decide it’s not enough. Pour it to the top. Think to yourself, “I am nothing.”
5. Take off your pants before even getting to your room.
6. Change into Fat Pants.
7. Sit on your couch with the glass of wine and open up your laptop. Type “Halloween costumes” into Google. Feel immediately bored and lazy.
8. Type in “sexy Halloween costumes” into Google. Feel immediately fat.
9. Comfort yourself over your poor body image issues by placing an online pizza order from Papa John’s. Pay nothing for it because you’ve ordered so many pizzas in the past
3 weeks 6 months that you earned a free pizza.
10. Debate whether you have enough time to lose 26 pounds in the next 7 days so that you can wear the Princess Leia slave costume. Decide that no, you don’t have enough time, because right now you’re eating a large pizza on your couch alone and you look like Jabba the Hutt.
11. Take a large, ladylike swig of wine and go back to searching for the Halloween costume that’s going to solve your problems, pay all of your debt, find you a boyfriend, and get you a new job.
12. Decide to abandon Google and head to Pinterest instead.
13. Type in “easy Halloween costumes” on Pinterest. Feel hatred for the amount of girls that look adorable as Minnie Mouse.
14. Click on some of the DIY options. Wonder how people have so much time on their hands.
15. Get distracted by clicking on a random article about celebrities who have gotten secret nose jobs. Decide you’re being extremely judgmental while clicking through the pictures, and then notice that a third of your wine is gone.
16. Go back to looking at Halloween ideas on Pinterest that will never actually get you anywhere, unless you want to be Rosie the Riveter.
17. Begin to feel discouraged. But then picture having the cutest/sexiest/most adorable Halloween costume idea in the world, and having everyone fawn over you the second you post a pic of yourself on Instagram. Ignore the fact that the You in this fantasy looks like Emma Watson and not You.
18. Pick every single piece of pepperoni off of one of the pieces of pizza until you decide that fine, you might as well eat that slice too.
19. Give up on
metaphorically getting your life together finding a Halloween costume.
20. Be a slutty-looking cat.