Getting over an ex can really drive you crazy. On some days you want nothing more than to be disassociated with that jerk; on others, you close your eyes and scream to the high heavens, wishing you could have him back.

But what’s all your confusion really about? Think about it. He broke your heart, stomped on it for good measure, flaunted his new love in your face and to top it all off, he probably deleted all your lovey-dovey couple selfies from his Facebook. Voila! It’s as if you never existed, like you didn’t spend the last few years joined at the hip (or is it lip?).

So why are you still thinking about him? Was it his obscenely huge muscles? Was it the sparkling eyes, or the naturally awesome hair? Or was he a Prince Charming of sorts, opening doors for you all the time and quoting Shakespeare at you like they were actually best of friends?

Well, if he was perfect enough for you to want to get back into that relationship, then the problem was probably with you. So suck it up princess, if you want another Prince Charming, you have to change some things about you.

But if you remember him being the bad guy, remind yourself again why you want to get back on that rickety roller coaster. Is it worth it? All those tears, all those late nights questioning your sanity, those belly-bloating drinks… Really, that guy?

Which brings me to my point: do you really miss him, or do you just miss being in love?

Yes, you can miss him. After all, you made a lot of vivid memories in the years you were together. Maybe some part of you is desperately thinking that “I did not invest in someone for all those years, trying to build a future with him, only to find out it was all for nothing?!”

We’ve probably all been there, done that. The thing is, when you’re the one who gets left behind, you go down three ways: 1) You eat your weight in junk food; 2) You take diet and working out to a whole new level; and 3) You’re lost. You want to replace him but you’re scared that every other man in the world will break your heart, too. You try to be an “independent woman,” but you miss the feeling of being in love, especially when it seems like the moment you became single, every single friend of yours got a new boyfriend.

So here’s the 411: yes, what you probably has was love. But the operative word is “was.” I do believe that if you still loved each other, then you’d still be together. The fact is, you’re not anymore, and that’s mainly because one of you fell out of love. Or the level of feelings for one of you isn’t worth fighting for the relationship anymore. But what you miss right now, months or even years after the break-up, isn’t him. It’s the feeling of having someone hold your hand and tell you that everything’s going to be okay after a long shitty day. It’s the two-hour car rides into oblivion, singing your heart out to some cheesy 90’s music. It’s the security that someone knows everything about you, and loves you regardless.

You can have that kind of love again, if you want it. Fall in love with yourself. Invest in a good career, treat yourself to a couple of traveling or shopping trips, spend some time alone. It isn’t all that bad. Make yourself the kind of person that you would fall in love with, and eventually, you’ll be ready to let someone else in again. Someone who would fall in love with you the way you deserve to be loved. Excuse the cliché, you’re probably sick of hearing about all this from your own friends, but you will be okay. Someday you will look back on all this and be thankful that you had your time alone, when you learned to fall in love with yourself.