I don’t check my phone anymore as soon as I wake up, excited for your text. My heart doesn’t skip a beat when I see you, and I don’t get butterflies anymore when I hear your voice. I don’t crave your lips on mine, or your touch. Who knew that all the little things that once caused me joy and made me feel so loved, were the same little things that also made me feel so used and alone?
I finally got over you.
I got over being just an option, got over being second to someone else. I was never okay with the way things were, but I loved you too much to leave. You came on so strong, you chased me so hard, but you false advertised. And by the time I realized that there was someone else, I was so deeply involved with you I struggled to walk away. But you only wanted me on your own terms, never making me a priority. You were your only priority. That, and keeping me a secret.
In loving you, my standards for what I would and wouldn’t accept disappeared, and I completely lost myself.
You said you wanted me, that you loved me. Shit, you told me you loved me up until the end. You said you would change your situation and choose me. Thank God you didn’t.
It took time to heal my heart, time to understand that it wasn’t that I was unlovable or unworthy of being chosen. It’s that God was sparing me from further pain. The pain I endured was one of the greatest lessons of my life, and I used it to heal and help me move forward in setting expectations for relationships and the next man I bring into my life. In a way, you taught me every warning sign to look for.
When I thought of the tender moments, they were accompanied by painful memories. How you were there to show some support during my health struggles, but not there to visit me in the hospital. Whenever I broke down because I missed you so much, I kept remembering that hospital room, and how you disappeared for a month after the biggest operation of my life.
You don’t cross my mind much anymore, but if someone brings you up or we run into each other, I think of how miserable you are in the life you chose. How you got married because you felt it was expected after so much time…how romantic. But to be honest, in some twisted way, your misery helped me heal, because I knew I would’ve been going through that same misery had you chosen me.
I will never apologize for loving you and staying involved when I should’ve walked. I will continue to love unapologetically and whole heartedly. I will take everything I learned with you and never allow myself to be an option. Because it was you who made me realize that I deserve to be a priority. And I will never judge myself for the mistakes I made with you. I was spared from a life with you and you were my biggest lesson…so thank you for that.