I miss our memories, I miss our days of impromptu road trips, I miss laughing so hard our faces hurt. I miss the heart-to-hearts and being able to talk about everything. I miss those days of being best friends.
The truth is that I miss you.
The truth is that I’m sorry.
The truth is that neither of those things changes anything.
In the time that has passed, so much has happened, and I feel like a whole new person, but I know that I’m not. And although things have happened and you may have been changed by some of those experiences, you’re not either. And I know you aren’t looking for it, but I’m just going to give us both permission to say that it’s really okay that we are who we are.
The thing is that I’m just not great at letting go. I really struggle saying goodbye and letting things just be. I’ve read that the hardest thing is mourning the loss of someone who is still there, and I can say with certainty that it’s entirely true.
I know you think I’m the one in the wrong. I heard your voice in my head telling me all the things I’ve done to wrong you over the span of years. The thing is… you’re not wrong. But you’re not right, either. I think the thing that hurt me most was that you were keeping score. I didn’t know that was happening, and I didn’t know that everything I did or didn’t do or every word I said or didn’t say was going to be held against me or thrown back in my face later. Maybe that was my mistake?
You want me to own it, take responsibility for all of it? I’m sorry, but I can’t—no, won’t—do that. I just won’t. That’s not how it works. I’m more than willing to say that I could have been a better friend. I’m more than willing to say that the sensitivity and tact I should have possessed wasn’t there when it needed to be. I’m more than willing to say that I pushed harder than I should have and that I was unwilling to hear a contrary opinion about some things sometimes. I’m more than willing to say that I should have been kinder than necessary and used a more empathetic lens when looking at our friendship and the differences between us.
I won’t make excuses. I won’t say that we’ve had a lifetime of history together and that sometimes blurred the line on where kindness and understanding were. I won’t say that the fact that I felt like I was losing you long before you were gone scared me and made it harder to connect. I won’t say that life was moving along and it just felt like we were farther and farther apart. I won’t say those things because although they’re true, it doesn’t take away the truth.
And the truth is that I am sorry. I’m sorry for my side of the street; I’m sorry for the things I did and didn’t do, that I wasn’t the friend you needed or wanted me to be. I’m sorry that things got to a point where you felt like you had to take that step to officially sever the friendship, and I’m sorry that going back isn’t really an option anymore.
I miss you. I miss the friendship we used to have and our shared history. I miss our memories and our days of impromptu road trips. I miss laughing so hard our faces hurt. I miss the heart-to-hearts and being able to talk about everything. I miss those days of being best friends. And that’s the truth.