This will never be easy to admit. And I wish it wasn’t true, I wish I could do more, but maybe I really am not good enough for you. You deserve someone better. I am sorry I am not that someone.
I hurt you. Our story was something so beautiful when it started. We were both two souls who were perfectly broken.
I’m not even sure the both of us were looking for love, but we did find each other. It will never cease to amaze me how our paths crossed and how we found love in the most unexpected way.
And I thought I was ready for anything. I thought I could finally accept love in its most glorious form.
But I didn’t know that there were still things I needed to heal myself from, like my insecurities, and my self-doubt.
Honestly, I thought that every hurt I went through taught me how to take care of myself more, or to love myself more. I was getting there, but I didn’t realize, I wasn’t there yet.
For a moment there, you made me feel like I was worthy of everything.
And then I got scared, there it goes again. The familiar feeling creeping in, the idea that I was not good enough. Yes you loved me, yes you did. But it was never about that, it was about my lack of love towards myself.
And there were a lot of things to consider too. My prince, you were so brave. But I’m sorry, I wasn’t.
And I really wanted to be the one to have your name. And I still want to be that woman for you. But I had my chance, and I didn’t claim it.
I wish I could go back in time to tell my old self that it was all happening because I deserve that kind of love you gave me. I wish I could go back to help myself realize that it’s okay, if I take the little courage I have, it will work out good.
I wish I could tell myself that I didn’t have to be scared, because if I fought, I would be fighting with you by my side.
But in the end I was defeated by my own demons and hurt you in the worst possible way, despite all your efforts.
So I tried. I really did. I fought as hard as I could to make you stay, and to fix things the only way I knew how. But in my desperate attempt to make you stay, you became weary of me. I became selfish, and refused to let you go, even when you asked that of me.
Everything between us became so unsteady, it felt like walking on eggshells. We had our highs, but then sure enough, the lows followed.
I thought I was doing enough. I let go of everything I had, I reformed, reshaped myself in every way I could think of. I was more critical of myself. I didn’t know what to do, but I was frantically doing all that I could to make you stay.
I thought somehow I was getting through you. But all the hurt I caused somehow poisoned the both of us.
As I tried with all my might to pull you closer to me, you tried with all your might as well, to go further away from me.
Things got ugly, we were hurting each other. We weren’t one anymore. And I ceased to be your peace.
What I couldn’t understand was why it was so hard for me to be there every time you need me. It was always hit or miss. And most of the time, I missed.
I tried and I tried but you were so hurt, you couldn’t see that anymore. It seemed like all the love we once had to give was nowhere to be found anymore.
As I continued to battle with my desperation, I did more things that would drive you away. And that was where I became successful. Driving you away.
I sit here, conceding. I sit here under the skies, with tears, finally having the courage to admit to myself that maybe I really am the problem. Maybe I really am not good enough for you.
I sit here, crushed with my own selfishness. Time is something you’re already lacking, and yet I wasted it.
I don’t know what to do but cry anymore. I don’t know any other way to let you know that I love you, but to admit that you deserve better. To let you go, because I’m not good for your heart anymore.
And it hurts, but nothing hurts more than watching you go down in flames I set. For once maybe I could do something good.
As painful as it may be, my love, you are free. I could love you forever, but sometimes love isn’t enough. You deserve the best. You deserve someone better.
And that isn’t me.