Woman in Black and Brown Long Sleeve Shirt Holding Pink and White Plastic Cup

300+ Funny Birthday Wishes for Friends and Family of All Ages [2020]

Figuring out the right birthday message for a loved one’s birthday can be tricky. The birthday greeting must be personal, sweet, and fun all at the same time. For any loved one with a sense of humor, these funny wishes and funny birthday sayings make for a great way to say happy birthday because nothing will make them smile more than a funny birthday message. Use them as a line in a funny birthday card, to design a unique humorous birthday card, as a happy birthday message on a cake, or as a funny birthday meme for decorations. Whatever these funny happy birthday messages are used for, they are bound to make the birthday person laugh, smile, and kick off their birthday in a wonderful way.

Funny Birthday Wishes for Older Friends and Family

  • We tried to put the correct number of candles on your cake but ran out of space. Happy birthday old fart!
  • Happy birthday old friend! I hope thousands of birthday wishes come true for you today— it will match your age!
  • Happy birthday buddy! You don’t look a day over 100!
  • You know you’re old when children see your belly and white beard and mistake you for Santa Claus. Ho ho ho, happy birthday!
  • Don’t let your old age get you down, then you’ll have a hard time getting back up! Happy birthday.
  • A new year, a new wrinkle, and a new gray hair! Happy birthday old fart.
  • You’re not 65, you’re 20 with 45 extra years of experience! Happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday! I wish you have a lifetime of smiles… granted you still have teeth.
  • Another year, another ache on your body! Happy birthday old fart.
  • From living with dinosaurs to becoming one yourself… happy birthday old man!
  • Forget a lighter, we need a flamethrower to light all of these candles! Happy birthday!
  • Ever wonder what it’s like to have a child’s mind in an older person’s body? I don’t because I’m friends with you! Here’s to staying young old friend!
  • They say with age, comes wisdom, if we could only remember the things we’re supposed to be wise about. Happy birthday old pal!
  • Don’t worry, you’re not getting old… that ship sailed long ago friend, you’ve been old! Happy birthday!
  • Here’s to another year of barely being able to hear everyone else sing happy birthday! Enjoy!
  • You know you’re old when the color of this paper matches the color of your hair. Enjoy your birthday!
  • I smell old people… oh wait, it’s just you! Happy birthday old fart!
  • They say age is but a number and in your case, it’s a really high one! Happy birthday!
  • I was trying to think of a funny way to say happy birthday but then I realized that at your age, bladder control can be a problem while laughing, so happy birthday!
  • Did you know that it’s scientifically proven that those who have more birthdays live longer? Who would’ve guessed! Happy birthday!
  • Y.O.Y.O. friend! Do you know what that means? You’re only young once; too bad that ship has sailed! Happy birthday!
  • In dog years you’d be dead by now. Happy birthday!
  • I don’t want to call you old yet but if you were milk, I would definitely sniff you before pouring you on my cereal. Happy birthday old poot!
  • Congratulations on turning an age where you wake up at the time you used to party til on a Saturday. Enjoy your day!
  • Happy birthday! At least you’re not as old as you will be next year.
  • Enjoy celebrating that you haven’t died in the past year! Happy B-day!
  • Congrats on making it another lap around the sun old fart! 
  • Dang, one more candle on that cake, and we would start a house fire! Happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday, and just to let you know, you’re not old, you’re classic!
  • Happy birthday to someone who’s old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
  • Forget how old you’re turning. As long as you can still blow out the candles and make a birthday wish, you’ve got your youth! Happy birthday.
  • Don’t mind those flashing lights outside. The fire department just decided to come after we told them how many candles are going on your cake. Happy birthday!
  • Age is a number but life is your calculator. Happy birthday!
  • Just in case you can’t see it, this greeting card measures 6×6 and inside it reads “Happy Birthday”. Enjoy this day with loved ones!

Funny Birthday Wishes for Siblings

  • Oh, sisters, they’re your shoulder to cry on, unless they were the one that made you cry. Thanks for all the crazy memories and happy birthday, sis!
  • Dear sister, here’s to another year of me stealing your clothes without permission. Happy birthday!
  • Being related to me is already a great birthday gift, so happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday big sister! You may be older but I’m still cuter.
  • You wanted it so here it is… nothing. Happy birthday!
  • Apparently, as we get older we’re supposed to get wiser… I guess we missed that memo. Happy birthday, brother!
  • Happy birthday to a handsome, intelligent, hilarious brother… that reminds me a lot of myself. 
  • Not entirely sure why we’re celebrating you when mom did all of the hard work but happy birthday!
  • Old enough to know better but young enough to do it anyways— happy birthday!
  • You might be getting older but you’ll always be my annoying, stupid little brother. Happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday from the sister that let you live long enough to see this day! Love you, sis.
  • To help with life’s seriousness, you always need one person to be completely stupid with. So glad you can be that person for me! Happy B-day.
  • Happy birthday to our parent’s second-best kid. Love ya!
  • Thinking through all of the mistakes our parents made, I’d have to say you’re my favorite.
  • Happy birthday to the girl that witnessed the majority of my childhood injuries, and caused quite a few of them. Love you, sis!
  • Thanks for keeping me sane when you’re not driving me crazy. Happy birthday, sis!
  • I’m only nice to you so you don’t spill my childhood secrets… just kidding! Happy birthday sweet sister.
  • Happy birthday to a great sister. My gift this year is not sharing your childhood photos on Facebook as a birthday reminder. Love you!
  • Remember when you bragged about being older than me? Karma’s a bitch! Love you, sis.
  • Even though I was pissed about your birth at the time, I’m happy now to see you make it another year around the sun! Love you sister.

Funny Birthday Wishes for Parents

  • Happy birthday from your favorite wild child.
  • Congratulations on the 40th anniversary of your 18th birthday dad! What a day to celebrate!
  • Mom, the older you get, the more you start to sound like grandma. Happy Birthday!
  • Dad, eat your heart out this birthday because, before you know it, you won’t have any teeth to chew with! Happy birthday old fart.
  • To my old man, thanks for years of shelling out money to me. Keep it coming and happy birthday!
  • Dad, when I was younger I used to think you were a superhero… I seriously doubt those superhuman capabilities now. Happy birthday old fart!
  • Happy birthday from your favorite child (don’t worry, I won’t tell the others)!
  • Behind every great parent, is a great child… just saying! Happy birthday!
  • Mom, I love you loads! Speaking of loads, would you mind doing my laundry? Happy birthday!
  • Wishing you a birthday that’s as unforgettable as I am. Happy birthday!
  • Hey dad, thanks for all those years of killing spiders for me. Here’s to another one! Happy B-Day!
  • Happy birthday, dad! I hope you have a crazy, wild night… or at least until it’s your bedtime.
  • Happy birthday dad, Yoda best!
  • Happy birthday, dad, I’ll let you keep control of the TV remote today. 
  • Happy birthday mom! Thanks for pretending to be impressed by every crappy gift I made you as a child. Enjoy your day!
  • I know you always say the best gift of all is hearing your children say “happy birthday”, which is great because I’m broke as usual! Enjoy your day mom!
  • Happy birthday to my mom who is entirely perfect. Well, other than the cooking skills, but we’ll let that slide today. Happy birthday mom!
  • Dear mom, I hope you have a wonderful birthday full of wining and dining as opposed to the whining and dining you dealt with years ago. Love you!
  • I remembered your birthday! Aren’t you proud? Now, let’s keep that in mind while I explain your gift…
  • Happy birthday mom! I guess raising me didn’t send you to an early grave after all.
  • I never worry about growing older thanks to you. I just look and think, damn, I got those genes! Happy birthday (mom/dad)!
  • Happy birthday (mom/dad). I can’t believe how many birthdays we’ve spent together… the exact amount is nobody else’s business. Enjoy your day!
  • Hey mom, happy birthday to one bad bitch from one lucky son of a bitch.
  • Happy birthday mom! Just this one day, maybe try to stop worrying and relax a little?
  • After all the years of putting up with obnoxious behavior, I wanted to make sure you got a nice birthday card… but enough about dad, happy birthday mom!
  • Congratulations on being one year closer to the senior citizen’s discount at our favorite restaurant! Love you (mom/dad).
  • Growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional. Thanks for having the best sense of humor (mom/dad)! Enjoy your day.
  • Be careful, I hear too many birthdays can kill you! Happy birthday (mom/dad).
  • What happens when dad chugs 8 sodas at his birthday party? He burps 7-Up! Happy birthday to a cool dad, love you.
  • Don’t worry, I won’t tell mom when I catch you eating leftover cake at midnight. Love you, dad, have a great birthday!

Funny Birthday Wishes for Children

  • Happy birthday to an ape-solutley amazing kid!
  • How does a rabbit say happy birthday? Hoppy birthday little one! I love you.
  • What does the tiger say to a cub on their birthday? It’s roar birthday kid!
  • Why did the good student decide to eat their homework? The teacher told them it was a piece of cake!
  • What do clams do to have fun on their birthday? They shell-ebrate! Enjoy your day little one!
  • When it’s a snowman’s birthday, what do you sing for them? “Freeze a jolly good fellow…” Happy birthday!
  • What does cake say to ice cream? You’re cool. Happy birthday cool cat! I love you.
  • How does a turtle spend their birthday? Shell-ebrating! Have a great birthday!
  • Why can’t most kids remember their past birthdays? They were too focused on the present. Enjoy your day little one!
  • How does a kangaroo say happy birthday? Hoppy birthday little one! Sending you my love.
  • What’s it called when a bunch of balloons head to the bathroom? A birthday potty. Happy birthday little stinker!
  • What’s a frog’s favorite drink to have with birthday cake? Diet croak. Happy birthday, kid!
  • What did the cake say to the fork? Do you want a piece of me?
  • Happy birthday kid, tonight I’ll give you a free pass on not doing the dishes.
  • I can’t believe you’re eight already; it seems like yesterday you were only seven! Happy birthday little one.
  • How does a cow wish you a happy birthday? Happy birthday to moo! Love you.
  • What does an elephant get for their birthday? A trunk-ful of gifts! Enjoy your day.
  • What did the crab say on its birthday? Time to shell-ebrate! Happy birthday to the greatest birthday boy.
  • What’s more fun than breaking your toys? Your birthday silly! Happy birthday crazy kiddo.
  • How do snakes say happy birthday? Have a sssssuper day kiddo!
  • Hap-pea birthday little one! Thanks for always being the other pea in my pod.

Funny Birthday Wishes for Teenagers

  • I’m sorry, did you think I said car? Nope, I said card. Hope you’re not too disappointed! Happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday kid, you grow up so fast but you move out so slow! Just kidding, enjoy your day.
  • Congrats on making it to your teenage years! You only get seven of them so use them wisely. Happy birthday!
  • These years are the interlude before becoming a full adult… enjoy it while you can. Happy birthday!
  • You can no longer be called a baby or a child; happy teen years!
  • Moving on up from the children’s clothing section to the teen section… congrats! Happy birthday sweet teen!
  • Smile, because you’ll never look this young again in your life! Happy birthday to an awesome teenager.
  • From tweenager to a teenager; moving up in the world. Enjoy your day!

Funny Birthday Wishes for Friends

  • Thanks for being born, it’s a great excuse for the rest of us to get drunk and eat lots of cake. Happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday, friend! Today is all about YOU (attention whore). Enjoy!
  • Go shawty, it’s sherbert day! Enjoy your day friend!
  • Life’s what you bake it so enjoy your cake and live it up this birthday friend!
  • Happy birthday to a friend I care enough about to not ignore their birthday Facebook reminder. Love ya!
  • Happy birthday, friend! I hope the only things that blow at this party are the candles and balloons!
  • You make life so fun-fetti… thanks for being an awesome friend. Enjoy your day!
  • Don’t worry, if no one comes to your birthday party then you can really have your cake and eat it too!
  • Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the birthday present, I didn’t get one. Happy B-day!
  • What does every good birthday end with? The letter Y… gotcha! Enjoy your day friend.
  • Lettuce celebrate your birthday you crazy vegan! I love ya, enjoy your day.
  • Happy birthday to an awesome friend that isn’t showing their age or acting it! Have a fun day.
  • A good friend always remembers your birthday but never your age. Enjoy your special day!
  • I hope your birthday brings as much happiness as unmoderated alcohol can provide! Happy B-day!
  • I’m just here for the cake but, happy birthday bud!
  • Cheers to the only person I’d want as my getaway driver! Here’s to many more adventures friend, happy birthday.
  • A great friend is like the perfect pair of underwear; comfortable, you’ve had them for a while, and they boost your confidence. Happy birthday, friend!
  • Happy birthday to my best pal. I hope that when our future children put us into a nursing home that we may at least be across the hall from each other!
  • Happy birthday to my BFF! Without you, my therapy bills would be through the roof.
  • We’re so old, I can no longer remember which one of us was considered the “bad influence”. Happy birthday to my best friend!
  • Of everyone I know, I hate you the least. Thanks for being a great friend, happy birthday!
  • You know I’m a true friend because I didn’t even have to log onto Facebook to know it was your birthday. Enjoy your day!
  • Happy birthday to my best friend! Can you believe we used to think people our age were adults and had their shit together? Who were we kidding!
  • Aging is the worst symptom of birthdays but, enjoy your day friend!
  • To my best friend… if anyone heard our private conversations, they would probably think we escaped a mental institution. Love you and happy birthday!
  • Hey BFF, can I come shopping in your closet? I heard vintage is totally in this year! Happy birthday old poot!
  • To my best friend, always know that I appreciate you a great deal… almost as much as the Kardashians love themselves. Happy birthday!
  • I only surround myself with people I find fabulous, guess you’re one of them. Happy birthday, friend!
  • May we grow to be the hottest cougars in history! Love you best friend, happy birthday!
  • Happy birthday to my best friend; you are as old as you are dear to me. Love you!
  • Happy birthday to a great friend. I hope your hair dye and mascara never runs. Love you old lady!
  • For your birthday, I bought you an iron. I heard as you age, you get a few creases so I wanted to make sure you were prepared. Enjoy!
  • Happy birthday to a special friend. I hope you enjoy your birthday as much as my dog enjoys chasing his tail. Love you!

Age-Specific Funny Birthday Wishes

Happy 13th

  • It’s official, you’re not just a drama queen anymore… you’re a teenage drama queen. Happy 13th to the birthday girl!
  • You are the youngest teen I know. Happy 13th birthday kid!
  • Congrats, you’ve gained a new ability— the ability to have a badass teenage attitude. Happy 13th!
  • Welcome to being a teenager where drama and pimples spontaneously pop up 24/7. Enjoy!

Happy 16th

  • I license you to have an awesome day today! Happy 16th.
  • Congrats! You are now every driver’s biggest fear; enjoy your 16th and drive safe.
  • I no longer have you be your chauffeur, happy 16th kid!
  • Instead of driving your parents nuts, you can now drive a car! Happy birthday you crazy 16-year-old.
  • Even though you’re about as sour as can be, happy sweet 16th!
  • You auto be old enough to drive now! Happy 16th birthday.

Happy 18th

  • Happy 18th birthday! Just remember that everything you do now is a potential felony and prison sentence… enjoy!
  • 18 today huh? Welcome to adulthood, or as I like to call it, where fun goes to die. Enjoy your day!
  • I regret to tell you that your childhood has now expired… happy 18th birthday!
  • Wow. Your childhood is now behind you. In front of you lies debt, divorce, and death, enjoy 18-year-old!
  • Happy 18th! How does it feel to be responsible for all of your actions now?
  • Welcome to the legal world of voting, getting tattoos, and wasting money on lottery tickets. Good luck, 18-year-old!
  • You can now legally buy tobacco but I always thought you were smokin’. Happy 18th!
  • I thought about putting some money in the car but then I remembered… you’re an adult now! Happy 18th birthday.
  • Happy 18th! The year where you think like a teenager but are legally seen as an adult— good luck!
  • Well, time to work your life away kid! Welcome to adulthood, 18-year-old!

Happy 20th

  • Congratulations on not becoming a teen mom. Happy 20th!
  • From teen to a queen! Happy 20th.
  • Wow, two decades of your life are over. Welcome to your 20s kid!
  • Congratulations! You’ve reached the age where your home is now referred to as “your parents’ house”. Happy 20th birthday!
  • Now you have two great reasons for being referred to as older and wiser: you’re no longer a teenager and you’re not old enough to drink yet! Happy 20th.
  • Welcome to the third decade of your life! Happy 20th birthday.
  • You’ve moved on from being a “teenager” to being a “young adult”… you’re almost there! Happy 20th.

Happy 21st

  • Happy 21st! Now all those things you’ve been doing since 16 are legal! Enjoy.
  • Happy 7,665 days old birthday! Live it up!
  • If you wanna nail your 21st, then it’s time to get hammered! Happy 21st.
  • Enjoy this last milestone until you qualify for Medicare! Happy 21st birthday.
  • Happy beer-thday you crazy 21-year-old.
  • Drinking doesn’t necessarily mean your 21st will be great but it’s worth a shot! Happy birthday.
  • Time to throw out that fake ID! Happy 21st.
  • Good news: you can legally drink now! Bad news: legal drinking is not as much fun! Enjoy your special day!
  • Twenty-one? More like twenty-fun! Enjoy your day!
  • Cheers and beers to twenty-one years!
  • Cheers to a night you’ll never remember! Happy 21st.
  • Today, we mourn the loss of a loyal friend… your fake ID. Happy 21st!
  • Turning 21 is nothing to wine over! Enjoy your special day.
  • Tonight, my gift is not taking any photos of you. Happy 21st!
  • The regrettable decisions begin NOW. Happy 21st birthday!
  • If you find your new age hard to swallow, just add some tequila! Happy 21st!

Happy 30th

  • Just because you’re 30 doesn’t mean you can’t party. Actually, it means you’ve gotten really good at it! Happy 30th.
  • When high schoolers begin looking like preschoolers, you know you’re turning 30! Happy birthday.
  • One decade close to middle-age… happy 30th!
  • Too bad you can’t blame your irresponsibility on being in your 20s anymore. Cheers to true adulthood, 30-year-old!
  • When the real wrinkles start creeping in… welcome to 30!
  • Thirty, flirty, and downright “perrrty”. Happy thirtieth birthday!
  • At least you’re done with zits, now welcome to wrinkles! Happy 30th.

Happy 40th

  • Bet you were hoping no one knew you turned 40… too bad! Happy 40th.
  • Look at you, now you’re just as sexy as two 20-year-olds. Happy 40th!
  • Woke up feeling like crap? You’re not hungover, you’re just old now. Happy 40th!
  • I don’t often like to use the F word but… my gosh you’re forty! Happy birthday.
  • Happy 20th anniversary of your 20th birthday you crazy 40-year-old!
  • Enjoy life while you still can because, from this point forward, your body starts to go. Happy 40th birthday!

Happy 50th

  • Wow, you made it half a century! Happy 50th old-timer.
  • You’re now halfway to 100 but who knows if you’ll live that long. Happy 50th birthday!
  • Congrats! Only five more years until you reach the senior citizen discount.
  • If you can blow up your birthday balloons then you are considered young for 50. Happy birthday!
  • Remember how exciting your birthday was when you turned 5? Now you get to be 10 times as excited! Happy 50th birthday.
  • Fifty and nifty baby! Happy birthday.

Happy 60th

  • You’re so old now, you walked into an antique shop and they put a price tag on you. Happy 60th birthday!
  • Welcome to the age of walking past a bathroom and thinking, “Well, I may as well pee while I’m here.” Happy 60th old-timer!
  • You know you’re 60 when pulling an “all-nighter” means getting a full night of sleep without getting up to pee.
  • Welcome to 60! You can now call your mistakes “senior moments” and practically get away with anything.
  • The greatest part about turning 60 now is that you know all of the stupid stuff you did was before the internet was around.
  • Welcome to 60! Now let’s talk about how great your multitasking has become. You get to pee, fart, sneeze, laugh, and cough all at the same time!
  • Happy 60th birthday! Don’t worry about your failing eyesight… you’ll be grateful when it spares you a glance in the mirror.
  • Happy 60th! Don’t worry about your failing memory; just means you get to laugh at the same jokes multiple times.
  • Welcome to 60, where your train of thought often leaves the station without you!
  • Happy 60th birthday! Your favorite songs are now considered elevator music. Enjoy!
  • Welcome to 60! The age where your back goes out more often than you do.
  • Happy 60th birthday! Those are gray hairs, they’re wisdom highlights. Enjoy your day!

Happy 75th

  • Happy 7th birthday! All your old toys have now turned into collectibles.
  • Happy 75th! I heard that blowing out a birthday candle on your birthday cake is a great lung exercise.
  • Bad News: You turn 75 today. Good News: I don’t. Happy birthday old guy!
  • Congrats! One year closer to owning velcro shoes and smelling of wee. Happy 75th birthday old fart!
  • You know you’re 75 when you and your teeth no longer sleep in the same bed at night. Happy birthday!

Funny Birthday Wishes for a Partner

  • Babe, in whiskey years, you just got more delicious. Happy birthday!
  • Like a fine wine, you get better with age. Happy birthday, honey!
  • Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me and then I realize I put up with you too— we’re even! Here’s to another great year dear, happy birthday!
  • You already have me in your life— what more could you wish for? Enjoy your awesome birthday!
  • No candles on your cake anymore— your wishes already came true when you met me silly! Happy birthday though!
  • Happy birthday to the one person I actually want to get old and cranky with!
  • You’re the one reason I get up in the morning… just kidding, it’s because I have to pee. Still happy you were born though! Happy birthday!
  • Loving you is a piece of cake! Happy birthday, darling.
  • Most of the time you spoil me, but now it’s time for payback! Happy birthday my love!
  • Happy birthday to the love of my life and the largest pain in my ass! Love you!
  • So happy we get to grow old together… especially since you have a head start on me. Enjoy your day!
  • You may not have hero strength or endurance but you’re #1 at taking out the trash! Happy birthday, dear, love you!
  • Here’s to the love of my life that really knows how to bring out their badass self… without ever getting up from the couch. Happy birthday!
  • To my hubby— you’re like mac n’ cheese, cheesy but also comforting. Enjoy your birthday cheeseball!
  • Just like red pepper, you get spicier every year! Ow, happy birthday hot stuff.
  • Your birthdays are always so expensive as it seems I find more gifts for me while shopping than for you. Happy birthday dear!
  • You thought I would forget your birthday but here we are! Happy birthday my love.
  • The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… boy am I happy we’re past that. Happy birthday!
  • You are the smartest ever, with wonderful taste too. I know this because you picked me to be your partner. Happy birthday, honey!
  • I’ll still love you even when your birthday suit is old and saggy. Happy birthday person I love most!
  • Happy birthday to the one person I would risk my life for in a zombie apocalypse!

Funny Birthday Puns for All Ages

  • What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music!
  • What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out the candles on his birthday cake? No cake for me… I’m stuffed.
  • Do pickles celebrate their birthdays? No, they relish them!
  • Why do popcorn pieces always enjoy their birthdays? They’re always popping!
  • I like big bundts and I cannot lie.
  • My birthday cake brings all the boys to the yard.
  • Some people only dream of cake while others bake it happen.
  • Why did the cupcake go see the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
  • What’s a ghost’s cake of choice? I-scream cake!
  • Have a gouda birthday!
  • How are cakes and baseball teams similar? They both require a good batter. 
  • Why did the person hit their cake with a hammer? It was a pound cake.
  • Why would a robber break into a bakery? They heard the cakes were so rich!
  • Did you hear how the tree’s birthday celebration went? I heard it was really sappy.
  • What’s the cleanest party joke you can make? One that’s a soap-prise!
  • What did one candle say to the other? Birthdays just burn me out.
  • What did the cake say to the donut? You’re looking kind of glazed over.
  • I heard the sale on birthday candles was a major blowout.

Funny Birthday Quotes for All Ages

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”

-Mitch Hedberg

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

-Bob Hope

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

-Lucille Ball

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”

-Charles Schulz

“Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”

-Bob Hope

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”

-H. V. Prochnow

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

-Robert Frost

“Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.”

-John Glenn

“As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

-Norman Wisdom

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

-Woody Allen

“The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.”

-Oscar Wilde

“Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?”

-Bobby Kelton

“Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.”

-Jim Gaffigan

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

-Groucho Marx

“Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.”

-Booth Tarkington

“There is still no cure for the common birthday.”

-John Glenn

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’”

-Jerry Seinfeld

“When life hands you lemons, grab the nearest bottle of vodka, and make yourself a cocktail.”

-Brandi Glanville

birthday message

“When someone asks if you’d like cake or pie, why not say you want cake and pie?”

-Lisa Loeb

“My policy on cake is pro having it and pro-eating it.”

-Boris Johnson

“Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.”

-Mary Schmich

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

-Larry Lorenzoni

“You are getting kind of old, but I still like you anyway.”

-Unknown

“I feel a very unusual sensation—if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.”

-Benjamin Disraeli

“Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!”

-Kate Summers

“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”

-Joan Rivers

“All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.”

-George Harrison

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.”

-Steven Wright

“The older you get the better you get, unless you are a banana.”

-Betty White

“When the candles on your cake burn down before they are all lit you know you are getting up there.”

-Catherine Pulsifer

“Birthdays are a great time to stop and appreciate gravity. Sure, it makes things sag as you get older, but it also keeps your cake from flying all over the room, so you don’t have to chase it.”

-Greg Tamblyn

“God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.”

-Ethel Watts Mumford

“I thought that the older I got, that partying would change – and it has – in the way that now I know how to party.”

-Brendon Urie 

“Friends will always be there for the party. REAL friends will be there after the party.”

-Bray Love

“Every time a champagne bottle pops, a party angel gets its wings.”

-Terri Guillemets

“I work hard and I party hard. When I go to work, I know what I am doing, and I do it to the best of my abilities. When I party, I take exactly the same rule book with me.”

-Rhys Ifans

“Life is short, wear your party pants.”

-Loretta LaRoche

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”

-Frank Sinatra

About the author
Katee is a lover of language and is in awe of the power it holds. Read more articles from Katee on Thought Catalog.

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