1. Hate on lists that generalize/stereotype having one’s period.
2. Mull over evolution and wonder why this is even necessary anymore. Also consider the fact that you wouldn’t mind not having ovaries. Reconsider when you realize that would mean never having kids. Realize they’re probably overrated and childbirth hurts worse than this. Go back to your original complaint.
3. Throw a party because you’re not pregnant.
4. Throw a shit storm because you’re in a lesbian relationship and though pregnancy isn’t a concern your period has synced up with your girl’s and your lives together are resembling the eighth circle of hell.
5. Shamelessly ask a friend to check you while you walk a few steps in front of them, wait to hear “you’re good, you’re good.”
6. Think about sex a lot. Too much actually. Wonder why you never want it as much as when you can’t have it. Lol jk, you can. Throw a towel down and go to town babes.
7. Fall asleep essentially wearing a diaper because if one more set of sheets gets stained you’re going to throw yourself out the window while holding your heating pad then nearly overdose on Advil but not care because nothing could be worse than feeling like two knives are searing through your lower abdomen.
8. Keep thinking you’ll write down the day it started so you’ll know for next month but never do because we like to make things more difficult for ourselves.
9. “Omg, THAT’S why I was so bloated!” you say to yourself as you gleefully shove another Nacho Bel Grande down your throat feeling at ease over the fact that you’re not just fatter for no reason.
10. Finally take advantage of that tampon/chocolate delivery service because my GOD. Who is the beautiful goddess angel who thought this up? Who. I want her number. I also want to marry her. I’m assuming it’s a her. That is a person who knows what women want.
11. Question all your life choices up until now, particularly regarding being the sperm that had the damn x chromosome, buying white pants, thinking any underwear will last more than a month, etc.
12. Seethe over the fact that men will never know what it’s like to bleed for days out of their genitals.
13. Go to the store and buy the cool new tampons that have back wrappers and pretty squiggles and feel cool and awesome and then watch the commercials for said tampons and want to hand deliver those girls a big whopping FUCK YOU for dancing around and doing yoga in white pants whilst you’re busy trying to not let Niagara Falls run down from your crotch.