It’s not that you don’t love spending time with your person. There’s just something about having that fact congratulated via bouquets of roses that makes your inner Grinch want to throw those roses right across the room. To celebrate the new season of FXX’s You’re The Worst, commiserate over these 10 tedious, inevitable struggles of being in a so-called ‘romantic relationship’:
1. Fending off people’s fawning questions about you two.
Every time someone asks how you’re doing (wink wink), and if there are any wedding bells in your future, you would greatly prefer to hit them over the head with these much-anticipated bells and get the f away from that conversation.
2. Attending weddings together.
There’s really nothing more mind-numbing that attending someone else’s celebration of love and happiness with your partner. Everyone expects you to look like some sappy couple because love is in the air and you have to sit there and gag on this poison gas for hours. And if they start reciting Corinthians? More like Love is patient, love is kind, love can kiss my ass. Preferably french it.
3. Deciding on social media statuses.
Are we “Facebook Official?” Who gives a sh*t. You honestly only tolerate four of your ‘Friends’ and the rest you keep around to hate-stalk when you’re hungover. You’d rather ignore the status altogether and avoid the maddening OMG I’M SO HAPPY 4 UUUU!!! comments that everyone insists on posting.
4. Celebrating ‘romantic’ holidays.
Valentine’s Day. New Year’s Eve. WE GET IT. Some people like to have mandatory romance scheduled on the calendar with their teeth cleanings. Just let the rest of us live in peace. They wouldn’t like it if you made a national holiday for your foot fetish, so they should keep their flowers-and-chocolate cheesiness to themselves.
5. Celebrating anniversaries.
Congrats! You tolerated each other for an extended period of time! Gold stars all around. You would much prefer to ignore the day and just hang on the couch with a fancier bottle of wine than usual.
6. Going on double dates.
What’s more insufferable than hanging out with your friend and her boyfriend? Having to go out and do “Couples Activities” with them. Hard pass.
You really do enjoy their company. Really. But cuddling is just a terrible purgatory between sex and sleep. Either have some real fun or go to sleep. You’re not thirteen anymore, you don’t spend your days looking forward to some chaste embrace.
8. Public displays of affection.
Is it really necessary to run around holding sweaty hands and sneaking kisses along the street? You’re secure enough in your relationship that you don’t need to run around calling dibs on one another and acting like you just leapt out of a sappy movie.
9. Getting unsolicited relationship advice.
Just because you don’t ooze enough cheese to be mistaken for a mozzarella stick, doesn’t mean you aren’t in a successful relationship. So all those people who think they’re helping by telling you ways to spice up the bedroom can go find someone else to annoy. That newly married couple that recited Corinthians might need it.
10. Posting photos to social media.
You’re not posting this photo of you and your partner to brag to everyone that This person changed my life. Big effing deal. You’re going to make this picture your profile, hide the update from your timeline, and people are going to deal. with. it.